There’s a lot of things I don’t currently have at this very moment: a reliably-running car, hair in a small yarmulke-sized patch on the crown of my head, and any non-embarrassing clothes to wear when I head out to Pebble Beach to cover all the rich-people cars there next week, for example. But that last one I’m solving thanks to something important I do have: a wonderful friend I’ve known since I was five years old who has great clothes and is about my size. This friend also finds himself in a position where he needs a car, so I figured I’d try to return his clothes-lending favor by asking the best crew of car-selectors in the known universe. That’s you.
My friend is named Jeremy, and unlike all of us, Jeremy is a successful, well-adjusted person with a real job and a wife who went to 9th grade prom with me and dogs and a house and no painful obsession with cars. He’s a huge F1 fan, sure, but when it comes to cars he’s very much a normie, in that his needs are rational: safe, reliable, all that. Oh, but he does play a double-bass, so he needs something that can haul around an instrument the size of a corpse.
He had a 2013 Subaru Impreza Wagon that was just wrecked and totaled, which is why he’s in this position. Insurance gave him about $11,000 for the car and he’d like to spend up to about $20,000 total, which is actually a good number, because here at The Autopian we’ve informally decided that if we ever do regular Help-Me-Pick-A-Car posts, we’d like to make it so they have a $20,000 cap. It just feels right that way.
So, what can we find for Jeremy here? He wasn’t that attached to his old Subaru, so don’t worry about brand loyalty. My fear is that his set of requirements will mercilessly shove him into the arms of that safe, reliable, but boring triumvirate of the Toyota RAV4, Honda CR-V, or Nissan Rogue. Maybe that’s fine, but I’ve never been crazy about the Rogue’s CVT, and, dammit, I just want more for him. But it can’t happen at the expense of usability or reliability or just overall ease, so my dream of him shoving that bass into the back of a Citroën DS Break probably isn’t realistic.
We were considering a pickup like the Ford Maverick, but the bed is just too small for a bass, and most other pickups aren’t what he wants, either, because a bass isn’t just a bunch of lumber or bags of peat moss. You can’t just fling it into a truck bed, so he’s not really interested in the truck route.
With this in mind, I’m going to ask Team Autopian to come up with three choices for him: a safe one, a bold one, and, yes, a bonkers one, because I’m here to entertain, too, dammit. And you can vote on the best ones!
And, then, of course, I desperately want your choices in the comments! Because you’ll likely have ideas we didn’t consider! So let’s get to it!
Torch’s Picks
Safe: Mazda5
The Mazda5 is a rational, useful reliable car that happens to be a blurry mix of SUV and minivan. I always liked the swoopy character lines, and the side sliding doors should be great for getting Jeremy’s dogs in and out. Seats folded, there’s plenty of double bass room. Maybe even triple bass room. You can find good ones of these for less than $20,000 still.
Bold: 1990s Buick Roadmaster Wagon
I have a bit of inside information here because Jeremy told me that he kinda wanted a big car for a change. And, if nothing else, a Roadmaster is a big car. Plenty of double-bass room, ideally that wood paneling, and, really, it’s not hard to keep going. Parts are common and relatively cheap, and sure, it’ll drink gas, but that’s a small price to pay for living-room luxury and class out the ass. You can find these in great shape for between $10-$15,000 or so, too.
Bonkers: Nissan Rasheen!
I’ve always thought these were cool. This JDM little SUV has all kinds of boxy charm, should be able to fit that bass fine with the rear seat folded, and has gobs of right-hand-drive weirdo charm. If it’s anything like my Pao, it’ll be a reliable daily driver, too. Duncan Imports has these for a very reasonable $6,900!
Matt’s Picks
Safe: The Honda Element is likely spacious enough for large stringed instruments and is efficient to boot, with an interior that can be washed if your dog makes a mess.
Bold: A Ford Transit Connect has enough room to hold both a double bass and the longing regret your significant other feels at not locking down Jason after junior prom.
Bonkers: I still think the 1st gen Subaru (GF) WRX wagon was the best looking WRX and it’s a shame we never got it here, but this one from Oishii Imports is half your budget and not Concours-clean so you can actually use it without fear of harming a future classic.
Mercedes’ Picks
Safe: Toyota Prius
The Toyota Prius is not a car that will excite you with its driving dynamics. Instead, it’s meant to do one thing and one thing only: Reliably pass fuel station after fuel station. The one in my shared fleet has been a reliable workhorse and even fits a surprising amount of crap in it.
Bold: AMC Rambler
The good thing about not having kids is that you don’t have to worry about if your daily driver is safe or not. So why not get a classic? An AMC Rambler has solid classic style and you can find them for cheap all day long. Plus, they can be found in a variety of body styles.
Bonkers: Volkswagen Touareg V10 TDI
Look, you aren’t spending money on feeding, clothing, educating, or otherwise keeping children alive. That means that you can spend more money on cars! Why not spend it on one of the wildest SUVs to ever grace the planet. Yes, the Volkswagen Touareg V10 TDI requires you to drop the engine to do any repair, but the second you hear the sound of that engine (like a Lamborghini mixed with a shaking can of bolts) and the thrust of the torque you’ll fall in love. Then you’ll fall out of love when your mechanic buys a yacht with your repair bills.
Thomas’ Picks
Safe: Prius V
Everyone knows about Toyota’s archetypal hybrid, and the Prius V is an immensely practical MPV variant of the popular battery-augmented fuel-sipper. It’s about as exciting as unbuttered toast but its deeply pragmatic nature is exactly what most people want in a daily driver.
Bold: Audi A7 TDI
An economical and wonderfully-appointed diesel luxury sedan that just happens to be a cavernous hatchback. The first-generation A7 may be getting older, but it still looks and feels like an $80,000 car. You’ll have to look really hard to find one within budget, but wallet-friendly examples are out there.
Bonkers: BMW x5 M
Why not throw sensibility out of a fifth floor window and pick up a fire-breathing 555-horsepower super SUV with a manufacturer-claimed zero to 60 mph time of 4.5 seconds? It may be rated at 14 mpg combined, but it’s less catastrophically unreliable than its N63 V8-powered little brother, so that has to count for something, right?
[Editor’s Note: Thomas has assured me all of these can be found for under $20K, if you’re willing to look. – JT]
The Bishop’s Picks
Safe: Subaru Crosstrek
The reliable Japanese choice (now that the head gaskets in these aren’t made of wax paper anymore), you can at least get it in REAL COLORS, like bright orange and the not-grey-not-blue like a Fiat Strada, so you can’t lose it in a parking lot
Bold: Audi Allroad
I think that twenty grand could get you one at the bottom of the depreciation curve but not in full meltdown mode just yet…maybe
Bonkers: LaForza
A handbuilt off roader with an American V8, but Italian electrics, in a constant fight…and you can guess who’s gonna win THAT one.
Okay! David’s being interviewed for an AMC documentary, so you’ll just have to imagine his rust-saturated selection of Jeeps. Now, let’s see what you like best from each category.
First, which Safe choice do you prefer?
Okay, now pick your Bold choice:
And finally, the Bonkers:
And, of course, comment! Give us better ideas! Jeremy needs a car!
Please tell me this week be a regular feature!!! I am in desperate need of help finding a bonkers car right now. I usually keep my cars 1-2 years, but got hit and need a new one after only 6 months. I have no idea what to get and you’re all weird enough that you would likely have awesome suggestions!
Oooh, this is a good game. Here are my picks:
Safe: Volvo V79 Cross Country
Bold: AMC Eagle
Bonkers: Ural w/specially-modified sidecar
V70 Cross Country, dammit. Where’s that edit button?
Staff picks leave a lot to be desired, very little actual practical wagons and mostly cuv garbage. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
As has been mentioned golf sportwagen (tdi or gasser) with three pedals because dsg is garbage. Regal tourx or caddy ctsv wagon if you wanna buy American. Volvo wagon if you want to have more ride height.
The only person I know who plays upright bass mainly transports it in a converted Ford Econoline ambulance, so, that’s an option, I guess
Safe: Minivan of almost any flavor
Bold: P80 Volvo V70R
Bonkers: Hearse!
The answer is a Mk11a 110 Land rover safari, as a sometime itinerant bass fiddler, the two are inextricably linked. Indeed, when I sold my big fiddle the car went with it.
The sort of Jazz and or folk venues that require an ancient and bombproof leaky Land Rover to reach are the best venues. Or, just possibly, they might be the only places that allow rubbish bass players, Still, I would recommend one.
This given that Mr. Torchinsky has, inadvertently, ruled out the real solution, a Tissier Load Runner.
Thanks for this, I really like the older Citroens. My father was a mechanic and had several customers who owned them, plus a few with Peugeots and he had a mechanic friend who owned a fleet of DS’s. But I have never heard of the Tissier Load Runner until now.
Safe: As much as I adore the Mazda 5, and I do, it’s a wonderful car but it also hasn’t been in production for some time. Therefore, I had to break down and go with the newer, safer choice of the Prius V. I get the sense this driver is looking for more of a practical, reliable appliance and despite my personal antipathy I think it’s the best choice in this category.
Bold: Likewise, I think the best and most practical choice in the category is the Transit Connect. Look, I love the Roadmaster (especially examples with a built LT1) but again, my personal choice is not necessarily the best for the individual involved.
Bonkers: Given that I have no confidence of getting good examples for most of them under $20k I’m just going to go with my personal favorite, the LaForza. This is in no small part due to the fact that I live in the San Diego area, where roughly 75% of all the LaForzas imported seemed to reside. There were enough of them around here that it was not unusual to see one and I always thought they were rather handsome.
And… I may have just found out why there were so many LaForzas around here. Per an article in Motor Trend, “LaForza Automobiles now imports new vehicles to the U.S., sans drivetrains and front fascias, and finishes them in its San Diego area facility.” It looks like the importer was local. The full article can be found at:
https://www.motortrend.com/reviews/163-0005-1989-to-1990-laforza/
The problem with the Transit Connect is that it’s only a bold choice if cosplaying as a deliveryperson for a local florist is what gets your blood pumping. They are incredibly boring vehicles, made to do the most boring and anonymous commercial duties out there. They’re only bold if you live in a white-collar world, otherwise they’re just what shows up when your POS system is acting up and the service company sends out a tech, or alternatively, what you drive to the grocery store that called your employer to tell them their POS system is acting up.
I have yet to meet anyone who owns a passenger Transit Connect. I’m very curious how their higher-trim interiors are. But with no other information, I’d definitely narrow the Bold choice to that or the Roadmaster.
Safe:
Acura TSX wagon
Bold:
Lincoln MKT
Bonkers:
Jaguar X-Type Sportwagon
Safe: Honda Civic hatchback
Bold: The same but holding out for a good color and manual
Bonkers; Any of the “bonkers” choices above.
I feel like a critical piece of information is missing — what kind of music does he play on that bass? Is he part of a symphony orchestra or a rockabilly trio? Knowing that would yield essential insight into his personality and help determine the optimal ride (i.e., RAV4 vs. hearse).
Hey, Liaka. This is Jeremy, the guy lucky enough to have a friend who can tap a world of creative car enthusiasts to help him accomplish the intimidating task of finding the right car for himself and his double bass. The answer to your question is: symphony orchestra. So…I guess the RAV4 over the hearse? Or…maybe you mean the hearse over the RAV4. Could cut both ways.
C’mon, symphony orchestra is just calling out for a Volvo wagon. Nothing is more suitably dignified under 20k.
Safe: I’m liking that Volvo V70 suggestion. Might be a bit too boring tho, so…
Bold: 2015 ish Chevy Suburban. In this age of fuel pricing nothing says “go big or go home” like a Suburban.
Bonkers: NC Miata. Just strap the Bass into the passenger seat and make music before you make music.
“Miata. Just strap the Bass into the passenger seat ” How was this not the first idea.
Also just guessing based on what a full road bike with both tires fits in, Porsche 944 or any BMW Gran Coupe.
I have always felt that the Roadmaster resembles an engorged tick.
Well, here’s mine:
Safe: Chevrolet Suburban. Probably has room for the double bass, multiple dogs and much of the other band members.
Bold: 2012 Ford Falcon Wagon. There are still heaps of these around in Australia, unsure of total price landed and complianced in LA but you get a vehicle you won’t see anywhere else and the trusty 4.0L ‘Barra’ is proven to run to the moon and back.
Bonkers: Toyota Crown Hearse. I don’t know what band this mate is playing in, but an old Crown has that formal look that could suit blues, jazz, rockabillly or even some punk bands.
Unfortunately for other aspiring double bass playing punk/rockabilly bands, the name The Living End is already taken: https://youtu.be/xaXKiyKwaOU
Subaru Outback?
(Doesn’t Jeremy realize that you are known by the company you keep? 🙂 )
I’ll play!
Sensible: Toyota Highlander, Swiss Army knife of cars especially the 2nd gen one. Also that V6 has plenty of power.
Bold: Dodge Magnum SRT wagon
Bonkers: VW Passat W8 wagon
I don’t know that *anyone* wants a highlander that is selling for under $20k, at least not if the ones around me are anything to go by
How about safe and bonkers for under 20K?
Find a clean low mileage Mazda6 wagon (Pre 2009 not the post 2018 sexy beast we didn’t get in America) and use the cash you save to also get a motorcycle with a side car for the bass.
Safe: Used Volvo V70. Haven’t yet hit the used market appreciation curve. Very DIYable since the engines are usually built like tractors and there’s good engine bay space to work with.
Bold: Mercedes Metris, why not roll around in a European version of a Ford Transit?
Bonkers: Mercedes E class wagon, new or used most repair shops will see money walking in the door. So while very nice and practical, cost of ownership will be bonkers.
Wonder if you could carry a double-bass in the trunk of an e46 coupe by using the little ski bag pass-thru? Assuming it works, I’d suggest an e46 330Ci with a stick. Less flashy and cheaper to maintain than an M3, but still a heck of a lot of fun.
Safe: Nissan Murano Cross Cabriolet
Bold: Nissan Murano Cross Cabriolet
Bonkers: Nissan Murano Cross Cabriolet
Does he play in an orchestra, jazz band or rock band?
My take of a prototypical double bass player (fatherly, staid, refined, etc.) drives me to recommend the following:
Safe – grey minivan
Bold – blue minivan
Bonkers – red minivan with pin striping
Ok, the safe/responsible choice here is a minivan: any minivan. Chrysler, Toyota — whatever you can get for the price. Flex is also an excellent option here.
I would also suggest a Passat wagon. It should be big enough. Should.
Bolder, I would say Dodge Magnum R/T. Don’t worry about Hemi issues.
Bonkers: one word — Dageban!
Mmmm. Ford Flex is so underrated. Excellent choices across the board.
Buick Regal TourX. AWD, LOADS of space, well-equipped, rides wonderfully.
We need to think out of the box here, so hear me out.
Replace the bass with one of those pocket sized samplers then get a Miata.
or, if you absolutely need to transport the bass,
Get a stepvan or something tall enough inside that you can actually transport the bass upright (like god intended). Bonus, it can double as a practice space. Get it – double…
I’ll see my self out.
1.) ZJ
2.) XJ
3.) JKU
Just buy the effing minivan. Hauling big/lots of stuff with ease in an enclosed space and maintaining decent fuel economy it just can’t be beat. A Volvo V70/XC70 would also be a good choice.