Finally, after literally years of toil at the face of the coal mine for you, dear readers, the hustle is paying off. After countless instances of dropping names like Hardigree, Torchinsky, and Tracy resulted in hung-up phones, unanswered emails, and doors being shut in my face the automotive media yahoo gravy train has at last rolled into Adrian town.
I’m in Munich at the Car Design Event, being held at the super fancy Ameron Hotel, which is part of Motor World (the same one David recently gushed about). And let me tell you, it’s quite the place. I was picked up from the airport in a Bentley Bentayga, and my hotel room is a special suite with motorbike parking. Although I have a motorbike license I don’t currently own one, but there is both an Indian and a Triumph dealer here and I’ve plenty of credit so god knows what might happen if I indulge in too much complimentary beer later. Anyway, the important thing is I am now being looked after in a manner to which I could become extremely accustomed to, although lest you think I’ve gotten soft and coddled I did manage to (temporarily, the head fell off) break the shower this morning. Probably best to keep such rock and roll antics to ourselves for now.
Before I show you some of the wheeled delights I’ve seen, I should try and explain what Motor World is. Situated in a draughty, shabby corner of Munich (basically Europe’s equivalent of Detroit such is the concentration of the automotive industry here) it’s a huge flat building containing high-end car dealers, classic car specialists, classic car storage, and various enthusiast boutiques. If you want a beer while thinking about buying a McLaren in between perusing automotive-themed memorabilia and gawping at some really rare and interesting cars, Motor World has you covered. I suppose the marketing description would be an automotive destination and experience, but really it’s just a place for people like us to look at some really cool shit.
What you have to understand, and hopefully you’ve gathered from my writing, is that car designers are mostly to a man, complete and utter wankers. I mean fully paid up bell-ends. The most unbearable tosspots to ever walk the earth. It comes with the territory. We can’t help it. So when you gather a load of car designers in one place you might expect a smug explosion of douchbaggery, wrist watch one-upmanship (yes I did wear my Moon Swatch), and an extremely considered car park, as they all try to out-do one another. Let’s have a look.
The Parking Lot is Insane
Alfa Romeo SZ. Correct color (i.e. not fucking yellow) but I can live without the stripes and the wrong wheels. Let’s see what else my peers have turned up in.
Well hello there beautiful. Fiat Barchetta in absolutely minty condition. Possibly the best steel wheels ever made. Car designers driving Italian cars is a total cliche, so if you don’t drive a Ferrari Mondial QV how do you stand out in the crowd?
That’s how. A DeTomaso Longchamp, or as Hardigree called it: an evil Ford Granada. Whenever a bunch of turtleneck-wearing, car-drawing toffs turn up in one place another thing you can guarantee is there will be a bloody 911 somewhere. Look, I don’t make the rules.
I’m not sure what restomod of the week this is, I’m sure one of the 911 bores will tell me. Enough of car designers’ dubious choices, what else have we got?
Ok, I’ve had currywurst and a beer for lunch and I’m still not sure I understand what’s going on here. Maybe this is the famed German sense of humor. I presume this wasn’t driven here by a car designer.
Mercedes-Benz definitely had been on the laughing gas when they came up with this, the X-Class. Or to you and me, a Nissan Navarra in an expensive dress. Not trucky enough for you?
This is parked the approach road to the hotel, just to let you know what you’re in for. Alright, it’s bloody cold out here let’s see what’s inside.
The Cars Inside
Motor World is the perfect backdrop for this event because it already has quite a collection of cars on display. I think this VW is what Torch uses to dress himself in the morning. On those occasions when he actually puts clothes on.
Because I haven’t really written a piece unless I give David a heart attack, here’s the best Wrangler.
Despite my fancy leanings, I’m not a huge Rolls Royce person. I have started to warm to these though. This one belonged to Muhammad Ali.
Another, rather large engined Rolls Royce. This looks dangerous. Maybe one for Miss Mercedes? She likes German stuff with ridiculous engines that is simultaneously both over and under-engineered. As you’ve gathered I’m trying to accommodate all my Autopian family here. This one is for Thomas:
Great, I think that’s something for everyone. I think I will reward myself for knocking out this quick update with a beer, as I am in the land of free beer after all. You know what’s funny though, Germany is also the other birthplace of fast European Fords, and I’ve not seen any of those.
I can’t think of anyone I know who likes those.
[Ed note: Find a Cossie or don’t come back – MH]
I’m all in on the longchamp. Looks like a fox body, Australian xd falcon and a fiat x1/9 walked into a bar and all kinds of kinky shite went down.
BRB, gonna go see if Rule 34 applies to this. Please god, my Rule 34 apply to this…
I prefer Mercedes grab bag of cars weekly column. This shows why there are far more designers than car models. Most have no taste. Not one of those eschewed a showing of class you would think designers would promote. Much like actors wearing clothes on the red carpet the Oscar’s are the goal these car designers are the Mr Black fails.
You’re seriously bagging on Alfa SZs? Cmon man…
The SZ is ugly-beautiful which is extremely hard to pull off. That slab of body, that delicate glass house, those tiny wheel and all the square headlights.
I absolutely love them.
Then underneath that amazing styling you have a great driver’s car: brilliant chassis and one of the greatest engines ever.
The only thing stopping this from being the perfect car is that Alfa built it. Even that fact with its weird combination of attraction and repulsion mirrors the ugly-beautiful styling.
Completely agree, although it seems the owner of this one doesn’t understand this with the stripes and awful wheels. Imagine having an SZ and inflicting those on it. ????♂️
This is what happens when you sniff too many crayons.
High end 3 piece wheels are awful?
Doesn’t matter how expensive they are, they don’t match the style of the SZ, they’re far too intricate and deep dished, which doesn’t work with the slab sided brutalism.
They’re period correct wheels….. they definitely fit the style of an exotic, italian car. Too intricate? The face is a simple 5 spoke. Too deep? Go look at a stock SZ. These look to be about the same spec, lip size looks about the same.
1st time I saw an SZ was in Scilly in 94. I was instantly smitten with how nutty unique it looked. Ugly-beautiful indeed
If you wanna bring up the actors wearing clothes on the red carpet, car designers are more like the fashion designers that put together the classy outfits, and most of them wear pretty funky stuff when they’re out to impress.
True a much better comparison
All this time I thought this was the evil Ford Granada;
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0a/Ford_Granada_%28North-America%29.jpg
That made me shudder.
A guy near my parents was recently selling a 2 door of that. My mom almost bought it, heaven only knows why she wanted it.
My brain just melted trying to make sense of that Spirit of Ecstasy on Muhmmad Ali’s Drophead Coupé, only to realise it’s actually just a vent from the Porsche in the background.
Before anyone asks, yes, I am stoned. High as a kite.
Looks like it stuck a feather in its cap and called it macaroni. Ummm, macaroni and cheese, that’s good munchie.
Googling that Porsche FAT Snowcat leads into a beautiful rabbit hole: European classic car ice races. Testarossas and Aston Mart Bulldogs and Meyer Manxes on studded tires!! https://www.classicdriver.com/en/article/cars/fat-ice-races-sunny-atmosphere-mightve-melted-snow-we-couldnt-care-less
YES for the Alfa.
Well, of course. I mean, how many chances do you get?
The sticker bothers me, though: it absolutely looks photoshopped over the picture
Adrian, if the line’s not too long, can you please get me Frank Stephenson’s autograph?
Thanks
Impressed you don’t want my autograph tbh.
That LMP(?) Porsche on fake tracks makes SEMA builds look practical.
Is the last photo the new BMW Dark Horse?
If that’s an evil Ford Granada, then take me to the evil timeline. I’ll slap on a fake mustache and everything.
Good evening Taargus. I’ve been expecting you.
I’m going to assume this is Blofeld direct inspiration versus once-removed Dr. Evil inspired. But I could be wrong.
Any chance you happen to own a Persian cat?
And now halfway through responding I’ve gone down a rabbit hole to discover that Blofeld isn’t responsible for this quote (though he like many Bond villians greets 007 in a similar fashion) but rather, it was Stromberg in The Spy Who Loved Me.
Oh god I need to get some work done.
I have a Maine Coon called Fifi. She is a bigger princess than me.
Nice! Maine Coons are sweet.
Adrian has a Maine coon!?! I did not have that on my bingo card
Rescued her about a year ago, just before my special little buddy Mr Tigg crossed the rainbow bridge.
The red Alfa’s paint job is extra-sweet. When I was 16 and getting ready to paint my first “real” car, an ’85 Duster I had pulled from the boneyard and partially rebuilt, I sketched out something quite similar to those side-stripes.
My boss talked me out of it saying “two-tones are a pain in the ass”. In retrospect I’m pretty sure he was really saying “You’re being a pain in the ass, now hurry up and get some cheap-ass enamel squirted over the shit bondo-job you did so we can get that heap out of the shop”.
Vittorio Strosek, whose workshop is near Munich, has a long history of modifying Porsches. His style is clearly influenced by Luigi Colani, for whom he seems to have worked at the beginning of his career (in the early 1970s):
https://www.elferspot.com/de/magazin/strosek-is-back-strosek-mega-30-speedster-praesentiert/
I was being a twat for effect, but that is a Strosek 911.
I love Luigi Colani. In a world of exuberant designers Colani’s designs stood out
There is nothing dangerous about a well built Merlin ( or one it’s many variant) engined Rolls Royce. After all that work, the terrible truth becomes clear. 3mpg.
Many a Messerschmitt pilot would disagree about a Merlin-engined vehicle not being dangerous. If they were still around that is.
(I know you specified Rolls Royce, not Supermarine)
They work much better at altitude!
Oh my, that DeTomaso Longchamp is something I never knew existed but now want to own really badly.
I’m intrigued by it, too…but the front end bugs me. It’s like an afterthought…unfinished.
From other angles the front looks. . . better? Still not the most congruous but not terrible, the rest of the car looks nice though.
No kidding. I didn’t know that thing existed until today, but I feel like I need one in my life.
Admit it: “Evil Ford Granada” is the reason you love it.
Is it weird that I envision Adrian emerging from the back seat of a black Cadillac Sixteen, wearing a floor length black sable coat and carrying a crystal topped, ebony wood cane?
Drive himself? That’s for hoi polloi…
So in other words, he’s kinda like Samuel L. Jackson in Kingsmen the Secret Service.
Sounds more like goth fancy Kristen
Adriana. Some of this stuff is words and phrases not familiar to the usual suspects present here. Like WTF is a “fully paid up ball end?” Not sure that is something safe to Google in my present location…but I do agree that you are truly a wanker in a pool of wankers today.
Appreciate the pics. Please follow up with more. And some hot chicks too, you don’t have to talk to them, just take the shot man.
Because the calendar is broken on my watch it’s still Thanksgiving. (here, not there you wank.) You submit some really good stuff here, and I am thankful for it, despite my general contempt for you British car designer twats overall…
Enjoy the trip you biscuit eating fart.
Thanks for the look in on the event – some nice machines there, love the Barchetta, the Porsche Ice Racer is kooky, VW cherry-picker and that amazing old Rolls!
The 911 looks like someone wanted their 964 to look more like a 996/993 mix, but also wanted to pay a “specialty” shop hundreds of thousands for it. I bet it makes too much power, is too loud, too stiff and has the limit handling behavior of a rodeo bull.
The Barchetta, on the other hand, is a beauty.
I was being facetious its a Strosek 911. I still have no idea what that means.
German for jelly mold?
Close its German for jelly bean 😉
How do you feel about restomods in general, Adrian?
I find most of them a bit boring, both from a design and engineering perspective.
The challenge of making a great car for production under a budget with practical and legal considerations forces designers to get clever, but this one in particular seems like they just de-featured the bumper, removing a good bit of the cleverness, then put that egg-shaped hole in the fender and called it a day. I know there’s probably a lot of performance work into it, but at that point it’s just a hot rod, not really a design brief.
This applies to the engineering as well, there were many challenges in making these things work with the technology of the time, simply updating it with modern tech doesn’t strike me as impressive, and once again lands in the hot-rodding category.
I feel like I’m ranting now but I’d like to make it clear I have nothing against hot rods and customs, it just strikes me as pretentions when companies that build them start acting like they’re producing vehicles that one buys and sells as a Strosek, Singer, Alfaholics, Eccentrica, Icon, Hennessey or whatever instead of just a modified 911/105/Diablo/Bronco/Camaro.
I may be barking up the wrong tree, but now it’s too late to delete all this.
Largely unrelated, but now I gotta know – which MoonSwatch?
I’m guessing Mission to the Moon, but willing to be surprised by Mission to Mars or something…
Of course Mission to the Moon. I’m not going to have on of the easy to find ones the proles wear am I?
I’m going to be nice…
Ahem… “Everyone”?
Hi do I know you?
You, Lewin, SWG, Hubert, The Bishop, Lawrence, and the weekend guy of the month can commiserate.
SWG was my old wingman. Lewin is still dangerous but can be my wingman anytime.
Cue Top Gun Anthem.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCTJmXrgsFg
That must be the ugliest Alfa Romeo ever.
Not a fan of the Porsche/Tank, or the Nisscedes Truck either.
Ugly but also attractive, like an A10 Warthog. Either that or I’ve got a problem similar to the one that affects people who really, really like feet and can’t see it’s a horribly stretched hand with too many stumpy fingers, no thumb and a lumpy broken wrist.
If you’re really trying to crown the ugliest Alfa you have to look at the Arna, with styling by 80’s Nissan.
Or the 1983 Alfa 33.
Or the Alfa Castagna Vittoria.
As someone else wrote the SZ is ugly-beautiful, much like the Mercedes Red Pig, both just make me smile
The Arna is just a Nissan Sunny with a different grille.
The 33 is not a bad little boxy sedan – very much of it’s era.
The last one – Oh, that’s offensive.
Somehow, I like the 911. Sorry mate.
To me it looks as though it was inflated to put in someone’s pool.
Or stung by a bee.
It’s okay. Not everyone has taste like me.
That is the ugliest 911 I have seen. The color of wet cement doesn’t do it any favors, either.
It almost feels like it came out of Compton, and the owner is waiting for his paint guy to be released on probation…no offense intended here to anyone btw.
If at the end of a comment you think to yourself “no offense intended here to anyone”, don’t post the damn comment.
Thanks Dad. I needed your very kind reminder…JFC. Lighten up man.
Just trying to describe what this piece looks like. And you have to get a case of menstrual cramps? Get a life. For real.
Or perhaps a sense of humor, my comment was sincere and intended not to offend anyone.
Most of your comments do not usually indicate a stick up the butt, but you do you, ok.
Chill please.
To clarify this. As a person of both color and someone who has spent a good bit of time in Compton, I do not need your input. Especially when it’s based on obvious ignorance, and a knee jerk mentality. And also is based on a very common joke there. Ask Snoop you about this you turd.
Obviously you neither understand humor, nor the realities of the area.
Go home and take your clear ignorance with you.
Loved the Fiat Barchetta. What a classic design.
In my mind, the Rush connection doesn’t hurt either.
reading opening paragraphs: “wanker”, “bell end”, “toss pot”. . . This had to be written by Adrian. Yep, it is! I’m going to enjoy this.
You utter meat wand.
Monty Python and Doctor Who have apparently not fully educated me in the ways of British insults.
Ah, so you like Monty Python and Doctor Who. Do you enjoy any other children’s programs? Please tell Mrs/Mr Data I send my best wishes.
Well, I did enjoy Danger Mouse back in the day. Does Blake’s 7 fall under the children’s heading? For the record, while I do watch NuWho, I prefer Classic Who, with Tom Baker and Jon Pertwee being my favorites. Jelly Baby?
I was insulting you not engaging, god forbid, in a conversation.
Getting roasted by Adrian should be a subscriber benefit.
I have suggested it.
Perhaps it is time to hurl some regionally obscure US based thinly veiled insults back at him? (I love a good culturally based Internet fire.)
Well bless his heart.
Exactly. Appreciate the grin.
You need to be educated in the ways of The Young Ones to get a better understanding of Adrian.
That’s really heavy, man
If you, like me, have limited access to more adult britishness, my go to tends to be blackadder. That will give you some more perspective for at least some insults. Plus Atkinson is a car guy too so, bonus.
That Longchamp is very much to my taste. I love that slight forward lean to the front grill, and the overhang over the headlights is delightful.
It does look very purposeful. The color is great, and so are the fender flares.