How To Destroy A Porsche In Three Laps Or Less

Track days are a rite of passage for us gearheads. You get to take your own special car out on track and give it the beans, learning what it’s truly capable of. The smart ones tread carefully at first, probing the limits and driving well within themselves while they’re still new to track driving. The silly ones go ham and trash their vehicles in short order.

Today’s video showcases the latter situation. The title, Cayman S Death Lap, tells you everything you need to know going in. It was uploaded by one F4DDB, who appears to be an Audi TT owner like me. They use their channel to upload a variety of track day videos, the most recent of which was taken at Snetterton Circuit in Norfolk, England on November 16.

From the drop, you can tell you’re witnessing a certain kind of magic in action. Wearing a black helmet, the driver blares out on to the track with one hand slung casually over the steering wheel at 12 o’clock. Soon enough, he’s completely botching a downshift into second. The tires chirp as the compression locks the rear wheels under engine braking. It’s an inauspicious start, and it gets so much worse from here.

If you were looking for a Dos and Don’ts video for driving on the track, this is pretty much it. The driver (heretofore referred to as Black Helmet) has some fundamental misunderstandings about how to drive a vehicle at speed. Less than a minute in, we see him miss a corner entirely. He forces the manual transmission through a vicious downshift without rev-matching. As the tachometer soars, the car is plowing straight on under some degree of braking. He winds the steering to full lock as he understeers straight off the track and into the grass. “You’re a f*****-up asshole,” his friend in the passenger seat remarks, laughing his ass off. We’ll call him White Helmet.

These antics continue as the duo lap the poor first-generation Porsche Cayman S around the British circuit. The Porsche understeers time and again as the driver seemingly lacks the knowledge of when to brake, how much to brake, or when to turn the steering wheel.

Despite hemorrhaging time to these mistakes, the pair eventually close up to a Hyundai, which is making its way around competently, if slowly. “Fuckin’ ell, mate!” exclaims Black Helmet, as White Helmet throws up his hands in exasperation. The Hyundai wisely gets out of the way, giving them all the space they need. The Porsche driver celebrates by passing the Hyundai, fumbles another shift, over-revvs the engine, and tumbles into the grass on the next corner. As he veers back onto the circuit, he’s swiftly passed by a gaggle of cars, including a very cheap and well-driven Renault Clio.

As you’ll remember from my intro, this video isn’t called Fun Day Out or Porsche Track Day In Norfolk. It’s called Cayman S Death Lap, and it’s called that for a reason. As our helmeted hereos keep lapping, Black Helmet keeps up the good work. He’s downshifting the Cayman, hard, like he hates Porsche and everyone who ever worked there.

Just after six minutes in, it happens. Black Helmet grabs the shifter, slamming the ‘box from fifth down to second like a gorilla trying to rip a branch off a tree. The gearbox complies, the rear tires chirp once more in protest. He once again luridly flings the Porsche into the corner one-handed, and calls for more power via his right foot. Only, now, there’s really something wrong.

“Oooh, what’s that noise?” asks White Helmet. Graunching. The 360-degree camera is panning around to show us the view out the back. “The engine’s gone!” exclaims Black Helmet in a dulcet East London accent. We see a puff of white smoke out the rear window. Barely discernable under the grey British sky, it tells you all you need to know.

The duo continues to roll down the circuit, looking for a safe place to stop. “Oh shit,” responds White Helmet. “Look at the smoke!” exclaims Black Helmet. Thick clouds pour from the rear-engined Cayman, covering the track in a thin layer of slippery oil. “Glad you brought your car!” says Black Helmet, perhaps already realizing the Cayman won’t be driving home.

As the Porsche comes to rest, our heroes give the ignition one more hopeful turn. More clouds of smoke, thicker than ever, blanket the car and the cabin. “Oh no, look at it!” exclaims Black Helmet in an accent thick enough to approach parody. It becomes clear to all in attendance. This Porsche is very dead.

I don’t know who the car actually belongs to, but I kind of hope Black Helmet owns the Cayman. I’d hate to think he’d trashed someone else’s car.

If you’re a little green on cars and manual transmissions, I’ll spell it all out for you. The driver was repeatedly downshifting from a high gear to a lower gear that was too low for the current speed of the vehicle. Under these conditions, the wheels of the car are effectively spinning the transmission much faster than the engine’s redline. When you drop the clutch to reconnect the transmission and the engine, the engine “over revs” and is typically damaged or destroyed. That’s why it’s called a “money shift.”

The jury’s out on exactly when the death blow happened. To my eyes, it’s the driver pulling a money shift at just after the 6:30 mark. He goes from fifth to second, and we hear the tires chirp as the engine compression locks from the over-rev. However, some in the comments on YouTube suggest the damage was done earlier during a similar shift at the 5:50 mark. Speculate at will in the comments.

As an aside, there’s another video on the same YouTube channel from earlier in the day. This time, it’s White Helmet behind the wheel. He’s actually a lot more controlled behind the wheel. While he’s still driving largely one-handed, he’s much smoother on the shifts and on the brakes, and doesn’t understeer nearly as badly. He’s actually pretty good at keeping it on the circuit, unlike his black-helmetted mate, The Engine Killer. 

If you’re wondering, your first track day should look a lot more like the above. Smooth, steady, less squeals, less grass adventures, less blown engines. 

As for the blown engine? Experienced drivers at the track probably saw this coming a mile away. This thing was going to end up blown up or in the wall thanks to that driving style. Real talk, I’ve been to the circuit a good few times. Marshalls at your local circuit will get very tense—even angry—if you drive like this. They’re not being jerks, either—they’re responsible for everybody’s safety out there. Running out of control repeatedly throughout a lap like that puts both you and other vehicles at risk. As for blowing an engine, that scatters debris and oil everywhere. It spoils the track, requires a lot of cleanup, and can see other cars ending up in the wall if you make a big mess, too.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wanna beat up on anybody. At the same time, driving like this needs to be called out. It’s dangerous, simple as that. Honestly, a blown engine was probably the better result here. We’d all rather see that then the Porsche ending up in the wall and somebody getting injured.

If you see one of your friends driving like this, have a chat with them. Tell them to get some professional instruction before they get thrown out of the session. If you recognize yourself in this driving style, do the same! There’s no shame in learning! Plus, you just might save an expensive car from an untimely death, and you and your buddy from some online embarrassment.

Image credits: via YouTube screenshot

[Thanks to Jeremy from Oppositelock for the tip! You rock!]