I Don’t Think I Believe Oscar Mayer’s Reason For Changing The Name Of The Wienermobile

I’m assuming by now you’ve heard the news. If you’re like me, you heard it being screamed on nearly every channel of your Citizen’s Band radio while driving, and, if you’re like me, you had to pull over to let it all just sort of sink in. It’s just one of those things the human mind is simply not capable of predicting. The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, arguably the world’s most important sausage-themed motor vehicle, easily eclipsing Hebrew National’s SalaMiata or Jimmy Dean’s Patty Wagon, had changed its name. It is now, bafflingly, the Oscar Mayer Frankmobile. What? Why? This doesn’t make sense, and Oscar Mayer’s stated reason for the name change stinks like rancid hot dog water, if you ask me. Something is up.

Everyone knows this glorious bun-length vehicle as the Wienermobile; what do they stand to gain by changing the name? I mean, it’s not like Oscar Mayer has ever attempted to really push the term “frank” or “frankfurter” for their products – generally, they’ve focused more on “wiener” or “hot dog”:

Sure, they sometimes use the term “franks,” but as you can see from the packaging, it tends to not get the same attention and focus as the term “wiener”:

And, of course, we can’t ignore the song! The lyrics are about one wishing they were transformed from a human into a bit of intestine stuffed with meats, an Oscar Mayer wiener, not an Oscar Mayer frank:

Plus, if we’re going to be really technical about this, frankfurters, from Frankfurt, are traditionally just pork, while Viennese-developed wieners can be a blend of any number of animal meats, like beef or chicken or otter. So, if we’re going to be sticklers, those “Beef Franks” up there are an impossibility.

CNN reached out to their sources embedded deep within the Oscar Mayer organization, who suggested that the name change was related to their first major change to their hot dog recipe since 2017, when they stopped using synthetic rubber as a filler and pledged to use only natural latex. I kid! I’m kidding, Oscar, don’t sue us! There is zero rubber in Oscar Mayer products! Let’s all just calm down.

Oscar Mayer spokespeople told CNN a bit about the new sausages:

“While some competitors focused on having strong flavors on a few aromatics like garlic and/or onion, our team worked to balance these out while still keeping strong beef brothy notes throughout the dog,…more balanced flavor profile and iconic beefy taste that is more delicious than ever.”

Again, if we’re being technical here, all this talk of beef should be discounting the frankfurter name, period, but you know, usage dictates language, especially when it comes to hot dogs.

So, even with the recipe change, I still don’t think this warrants a name change to the Wienermobile. I’ve ridden in a Wienermobile, people, and I take this shit seriously. My very own child spent time with me in the Wienermobile, and where I come from, that name is sacred.

Remember, the Wienermobile name goes all the way back to 1936! Look!

Prior to that date, Earth scientists weren’t even sure it was possible to construct a sausage-shaped car; Neils Bohr himself felt the very concept was “impossible, a mountaintop that man’s engineering prowess will never crest,” according to an unpublished letter to the American Novelty Meats Consortium. But Oscar’s cousin Carl Mayer proved everyone wrong with his original Wienermobile, and since then the Wienermobile project has gone through at least 10 generations, using chassis ranging from Willys Jeeps to Chevrolet vans to RAM 1500s to GMC W-series.

It’s the Wienermobile. Now, it’s possible, perhaps even likely, that the Frankmobile name will not be permanent, which is good, because it makes no sense. The only possible reason I can think of is that perhaps Oscar Mayer is finally caving into the fears that a wiener-focused name will have too many penile associations, ones they feel they can better avoid with a frank-based name, as “frank” is far less commonly used as a slang term for a penis when compared to “wiener.”

They may have looked at similar failures in the past, such as the debacle caused by Wang Computers and their ill-fated Wang Wagon, made from a Jaguar E-Type and featuring a large CRT display in the rear window that was a fully-functional Wang VT100-standard terminal:

Wang never fully recovered from the PR nightmare that the Wang Wagon inspired, and maybe Oscar Mayer is getting very belated nerves about the whole wiener business?

Be brave, Oscar. It’s the Wienermobile. It always will be. Just own it.