I Live In The Only Place In The World That Needs Square Cupholders

The cupholder is a key invention that keeps our economies moving. We don’t have time to sit down for meals anymore. We need to heft great chunks of industrially produced meat into our gaping maws as we tear down the highway at 70 mph. While we’re doing that, it’s nice to have somewhere to put a drink where it won’t tip over.

Now, most cups are round, and so it makes sense that the cupholders themselves would be round in turn. Indeed, that’s the case in the vast majority of cars. A round cupholder will happily accept travel mugs, fast food cups, bottles, and cans with no problem whatsoever.

And yet, one place in the world cries out for a square cupholder instead. It’s my hometown of Adelaide, Australia, and it all comes down to one unique quirk in local beverage habits.

Land of Milk And Coffees

Australia loves coffee. We take a great deal of pride in its quality and preparation. But it’s just one state that is obsessed with iced coffee, and that’s South Australia. The beverage known as Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee is a local legend. The cartons of flavored milk are a staple for the local tradies, and they’re stocked in every bakery, chip shop, and servo across the land.

Indeed, local folklore has it that South Australia was the only market in the world where a milk beverage outsold Coca-Cola. It’s said that FUIC, as it’s sometimes known, was outselling Coke by 3:1 in 2008, while figures of a 2:1 advantage were bandied around in 2017.

I’ve thrown those numbers into boring conversations at weddings more than most, perhaps out of a sense of pride in my hometown. Today, I don’t think they’re necessarily that grounded in reality, as nobody seems to have the raw numbers to confirm the fact. The reality is Coca-Cola is sold over the bar at every pub and restaurant, and Farmer’s Union simply isn’t. To say nothing of the fact that soft drinks take up far greater shelf space in virtually every servo [Short for service station. It’s an Australian thing. –PV] and supermarket in the city.

I suspect that Farmer’s Union managed to outsell Coke in one specific category of drink-it-now beverages in a given period, and that’s where the popular line came from. Regardless of the precise figures, Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee is insanely popular. Australians drink over 27 million liters of the stuff each year, and it’s popularity has begun to spread beyond its heartland in SA.

Square Peg In A Round Hole

There’s just one problem. As a milk product, Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee is sold in rectangular cartons, not round bottles. The iconic 600 mL carton (20.2 fluid ounces) is beloved by the locals.

This is a confounding problem for milk-thirsty motorists. The chunky cartons simply don’t fit in typical round cupholders.

Most cupholders are designed to hold the common “12 oz” beverage can of roughly 2.6 inches in diameter. These days, many will also accept a larger round vessel with the aid of spring-loaded tabs for additional support.

Cartons of Iced Coffee are simply too large to fit in any but the biggest round cupholders. They measure 2.87 inches on a side, which doesn’t sound that much larger than a regular can of Coke. However, because they’re square, their largest dimension is actually the diagonal. Using Pythagoras’s theorem, we can actually calculate this length.

You’d need a round cupholder over 4.1 inches in diameter to fit a carton of Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee, or any of the brand’s other delicious flavored milks. Even then, you’d suffer from a poor fit, particularly if you had to align the carton to avoid any plastic support tabs in the device.

Some Are Lucky

The proper solution is a square cupholder. Farmer’s Union realized this years ago, teaming up with a South Australian Audi dealership to work on this very concept. The result was a single prototype, and a hilarious April Fool’s Day ad. Volkswagen could learn a thing or two from this.

Despite being a joke, the ad struck a deep chord with the local population. In a city with just 1 million residents, the ad racked up 365,000 views, and had fans laughing and crying that it wasn’t a real thing.

Nevertheless, some cars over the years have come with square cupholders. The most notable is perhaps the Mitsubishi 380. It was the company’s last gasp at developing a car to keep its Australian manufacturing arm alive, and would you know it? It was designed by Mitsubishi Australia and built in Adelaide! As was the Magna before it.

The Holden Cruze is also known for having a square cubby for drinks. It’s often said that this was a result of the Adelaide influence, given that it was manufactured in Holden’s Elizabeth plant for several years before its demise. However, the J300 Cruze was very much a global design so it’s difficult to say whether there was a real engineering decision to ensure Farmer’s Union compatibility for the model.

Toyota, too, offers a model that suits the Farmer’s Union drinker perfectly. The second-generation Toyota Yaris has pop-out cupholders on either side of the dash. The deep bins hold a can rather nicely, but they’ll also snugly accept a carton of Iced Coffee without complaint.

Aftermarket Solutions

Despite some outliers, most cars still come with round cupholders. Thankfully, Farmer’s Union was able to come up with a solution of its own in this regard. It developed an adapter to fit a square carton in a round hole.

The company releases these “car caddies” as promotional items now and then. They have a round base that slots into a regular cupholder, and a square tub to hold the carton.

They’re not a perfect solution, as the resulting contraption ends up being quite top-heavy. You wouldn’t want to test one under heavy braking, particularly if you’ve left the spout of your carton open for easy sipping.

The company also came up with an alternative solution that was altogether more straightforward. They started selling the milky fluid in bottles in 500 mL and 750 mL sizes. They were specifically touted as “Cup Holder Compatible” for drivers on the road.

However, these bottles aren’t always available. Plus, they don’t have the same appeal as the stock standard carton. Just as Coca-Cola is better out of a glass bottle, Farmer’s Union is best savored from a paper carton.

Thus, the dedicated Farmer’s Union drinker is best served by purchasing an automobile that can accept a square carton from the factory. Alternatively, handy individuals could consider 3D-printing their own square cupholder inserts; Jason and I have talked about doing as much ourselves.

As it stands, though, it seems the round cupholder will remain supreme. It’s unlikely that flavored milk drinks will ever take over the world. Energy drinks and traditional soft drinks have superior market share in almost every market the world over. They’re also less perishable and cheaper to transport to boot.

Today, Farmer’s Union remains a local favorite, rather than a global one. My country no longer has much sway in the automotive design world, either. Where once we had multiple car factories in Adelaide, now we have none. We no longer have the political means to shape cup holders to our will.

Aussie cows will keep pumping out the good stuff, and Farmer’s Union will keep stirring in the beans, that much is true. We’ll just have to make to with driving one-handed as we tilt the famous white carton to our lips. Stay milky out there, friends. Stay milky.

Image credits: Lewin Day, Farmer’s Union, eBay