Last weekend, I finally ended the last chapter of a nightmare that has dominated much of the past nearly three years of my life. Two men stopped by my parents’ house, pushed my 2002 Audi TT Quattro down the driveway, then dragged it away with a truck and a tow strap. That Audi was my dream car, yet seeing it roll away made me smile. In fact, the last time I was this happy to see a car go away was when a tow truck hauled away my old diesel Ford Econoline van, and the sales of both vehicles relate to the same nightmare.
I first started collecting cars back in 2016. My car collection started almost entirely by chance after my 2012 Smart Fortwo caught fire. I leveraged my connections at Smart USA to score a brand new 2016 Smart Fortwo Edition #1. The dealership was supposed to take my 2012 Smart as a trade, but gave me the trade-in value and just let me keep the car, anyway. Suddenly, I had two cars despite having only planned on having one. Since then, I have purchased over cheap 30 motorcycles and over cheap 25 cars. Basically, I have dirt cheap rent and spend all of my money on cars. I would sell most of these vehicles later on, only keeping my favorites. As of today, that means 15 cars, 4 motorcycles, 1 bus, and 1 fiberglass camper.
A Short-Lived Dream
One of my favorite purchases was this 2002 Audi TT Quattro. I picked it up in late 2020 and this car was another piece of physical proof that dreams can come true. I’ve loved the first-generation Audi TT ever since I drove one in Gran Turismo 3 some 22 years ago. And yes, this one was in a sort of weird configuration of having the 180 HP engine and Quattro. Countless people have called me stupid saying that such a configuration doesn’t exist, but they’re wrong. I love the TT so much that I bought a ZipZaps version of it.
Remember RadioShack’s ZipZaps? My enjoyment with this car would be short-lived and the vast majority of my near three-year ownership of the car was like an albatross around my neck.
When the pandemic hit in 2020, I got laid off and suddenly found myself with tons of free time. I decided that instead of moping around my tiny apartment, I’d make my automotive desires come true. I picked up that Audi TT, a Buell Lightning, a Volkswagen Jetta SportWagen TDI, another Smart Fortwo, and even a Harley-Davidson Sportster. Of course, 2020 is when I met my wife, Sheryl. Our second real date (or what we call our second real date) was a 5,000-mile road trip across the country in a little four-cylinder Ford Ranger.
Against the odds, 2020 was looking great. I even picked up a beat-up Volkswagen Passat W8 with a manual transmission as a restoration project. And my off-road rig? A 2006 Ford E-350 Power Stroke van.
I loved that van. It was one of the seemingly few 6.0-liter Power Strokes that worked well and its limited-slip differential made it unexpectedly decent when the going got rough. Sheryl and I took it on a Gambler 500 run, but not before giving it a parody NASA theme complete with “Free 10mm Sockets” spray-painted on the side. Little did I know that this van would kick off a series of unfortunate events.
My Nightmare
My problems started when I brought the van home with its new livery. The apartment complex that I live in does have an association, but the rules here are bizarre for what’s more or less an HOA.
There’s no rule about how your car has to look, but the association says that it has to run and drive. You also cannot have a vehicle with more than four doors. What qualifies as a door? Minivans technically have five doors if you count the tailgate. A Chevy Astro or any van with double doors also has five doors. This rule has never been explained. Another rule is that the vehicle parked at the complex cannot have business markings.
Knowing the bylaws, I figured I’d be just fine parking my rally van at home. After all, there are no rules against having an ugly car! My neighbor disagreed and was apparently offended by “Free 10mm Sockets” joke painted on the van, thinking it was some ploy to draw in children. At any rate, this neighbor also calls me “it” so her complaint about the van was likely a cover for what she really doesn’t like about me.
Anyway, she called up her friend at property management, who called up a tow company. That tow company dragged away three of my cars and tried to take a fourth.
Every reason given didn’t make sense. The association said that the van had graffiti on it, my Passat W8 supposedly didn’t have a parking pass, and my Passat TDI wasn’t even given a reason. In doing these tows, the association also broke its own rules, which state that a vehicle’s owner is to be contacted and warned before a tow. I only discovered that my cars were disappearing when I went outside to take pictures of the W8.
Retrieving the vehicles was another hassle. All of the cars were towed either in park or in gear. The W8’s clutch was seemingly fused engaged. I tried a bunch of troubleshooting, including an on-the-spot fluid flush, but the clutch just wouldn’t let go. And the other Passat wouldn’t engage drive. Only the van moved under its own power.
My wife (then my fiancee), the attorney that she is, saw all of this to be too suspicious and recommended that I take legal action. After all, the reasons given by the condo association didn’t make sense and the tow company seemed super sketchy.
To illustrate how crazy this was, up above are my three cars in the “tow yard.” Yes, that’s a residential backyard. There were no fences, gates, or signs. There was even nothing stopping me from just hopping into any car and driving off. Heck, there weren’t even any cameras.
Through the case, we learned that the tow company didn’t have a yard (that part was obvious), a license for the truck, or a business license, and the guy who performed the tow wasn’t even an employee. Its insurance documents weren’t legitimate, either. In other words, some guy essentially winched my cars across a parking lot and took them to his mom’s backyard.
The cases raged on for over a year and I learned more interesting things. We identified at least 50 vehicles breaking the bylaws, but curiously, they’ve never been towed. To this day, there’s a van with plates four years expired, four flat tires, and a family of creatures living under it. It’s never so much gotten a warning.
How My Audi Became Illegal
Eventually, I settled my cases, collected my payout, and bought more dream cars. The litigation wasn’t fun. Lawsuits are never as quick and simple as they seem on television.
While the suits were ongoing, I received death threats from friends of the tow company and my cars got vandalized multiple times. A quartet of meth heads also stole all of my tools, a brand new set of mud tires, and that Power Stroke van. And they did it all in -20 degree temps in the middle of winter. When the van got stolen, the meth enthusiasts spray-painted the wheels a different color and then parked it just 200 feet away from where they stole it. They then turned it into a rolling meth lab and tried upgrading it like a discount version of Overhaulin’.
When the van was recovered, the police couldn’t believe that anyone would be so stupid to steal such a crappy vehicle. That night, I found myself in an interrogation room for over an hour while officers told variations of the story that I told them, with critical facts wrong. Sheryl tells me that they were trying to catch me in a lie about the theft. I didn’t lie, some jerks really did steal my shitbox! After that night, I ran a FOIA request on my city and learned that the meth heads told the police that I gave them the van. Police thought that the van theft was so dumb that I had to be a part of the meth ring somehow.
Anyway, while all of that was happening, these fiends tried stealing my Audi TT.
They pried out one of the windows, stole all of the vehicle’s documents, stole my Gambler 500 ring, and tried to make off with the car. Thankfully, my laziness paid off because the car had a bad starter that I hadn’t gotten around to replacing. Doubly thankfully, the goofs didn’t know that bump-starting is a thing that you can do with a manual transmission.
On their way out, the thieves also made off with one windshield wiper and the car’s battery.
Stealing the car’s documents put me in a tough spot. I don’t remember why, but for some really dumb reason, I had the car’s title in the glovebox. Yes, leaving the title to your vehicle in the vehicle is some smooth-brain stuff. I know, I learned the lesson the hard way. Anyway, they made off with the title, but not the car. The local police said that they would report the vehicle as stolen so that the thieves couldn’t transfer the title. At the time, this seemed like the best plan.
Not long later, one of the thieves set his girlfriend’s car on fire. Police found him living in the rafters of a nearby garage that he broke into. His buddies were also caught and all of them are still in prison today. My tools and tires were found in that garage and I bet my title was there, too, but none of it was ever returned to me.
Just to twist the knife in a little further, the meth heads had destroyed the van’s ignition so badly that it no longer started. When my court cases concluded I scrapped it for $400. The Illinois Secretary of State (our DMV) was no help in making the Audi legal again. Every DMV bureaucrat that Sheryl and I talked to said that the car is still stolen and I cannot get another title for it. Sheryl spent a year trying to lawyer the car into legality again.
Eventually, she found a path to make the TT legal again, but it would have taken tons of time and around $2,000. I’d get a registration, but I’d have a TT with a damaged A-pillar, a branded title, and I’d have to deal with the deterioration caused by the car sitting for two years. Oh, and it was time for a new timing belt. I decided it wasn’t worth it and had her list the car for sale.
What’s Wrong With People?
Somehow, the misery with this car still wasn’t over. As I said before, I’ve bought and sold over 50 vehicles; most of those purchases and sales happened on Facebook. If you’ve never sold a vehicle on Facebook or Craigslist before, consider yourself lucky. Sometimes, things have gotten downright toxic. In early 2019, I listed a project Suzuki GSX1100G for $500. One prospective buyer asked to come over to take a look. I gave him my address, but he decided to offer me $200 before even leaving. I declined and told him that my price was firm. In response, he threatened to kill me. Thankfully, I wasn’t murdered! The motorcycle was sold to someone else for my asking price.
That kind of stuff I’m used to. I’ve gotten enough death threats that I try to do all sales at a place I don’t live. People, even readers of Jalopnik, have sent me enough threats that I don’t even use my real city on Facebook. So, I thought I’ve seen it all, but things have gotten really weird lately.
This is what happened last month when my wife tried to buy a cheap set of 5×112 wheels for one of my Jettas. There’s a whole conversation there, but the seller said things that I will not show here. Just know that it was disheartening:
Some Facebook stalking revealed that this wasn’t a troll, this guy actually believed what he was spitting out. This wasn’t our first rodeo with messages like these online, but it was new to find it when trying to buy something. I chalked it up to a fluke. You know, we just so happened to find the weirdo who doesn’t want money for very little effort.
Then I got a weird insult about my identity when I tried buying a Smart Fortwo Cabriolet. And the messages we got about the TT? They were so bad that Sheryl deleted most of them and blocked the people. One of the blocked people went as far as to use a fake account to spam my Facebook and Instagram. Apparently, he then spent quite a bit of time messaging similar messages to my friends.
Honestly, it dragged me down from my normally bubbly state. Over the past year, I’ve felt like people in my local area have been getting a bit more hostile towards trans people, but I’ve been thinking maybe I’m just imagining things. Well, maybe not. I just wanted to sell my own stolen car! Buy the car or don’t, there’s no need to write thousand-word screeds about what’s in my pants.
A Happy Ending
At one point, I was getting ready to call up my favorite scrapper. I would have gotten something like $250 and the car would have seen the business end of a crusher, but at least I would have been rid of the car. But, I wanted to see the car live on, somehow, so we put up with it a little longer.
Thankfully, a buyer showed up with a great idea. He has a Volkswagen Squareback at home with a rotted-out floor. Instead of replacing the floor, he wants to cut the floor out, cut everything off from above the floor of my TT, and mate the Squareback body with the TT’s pan, thus making a 180 HP Quattro Squareback. [Editor’s Note: Hot damn! – JT] This is sort of what I was thinking. The TT may never be road legal again, so I was hoping it would become a racecar or a project. The buyer showed up, gave me a wad of cash, and dragged away his loot. He was even able to get it started and drive it home. Hopefully, the car will serve him well.
I’d long thought that I’d be sad to see the Audi drive away, but I was really happy. Finally, after over two years, I’m finally done with this stupid saga. I feel like I can finally move on from this dark time in my life and not have a daily reminder of the past. Even better, the car’s going to live on as a crazy build. The Audi TT remains one of my dream cars, so I will be getting another. If I’m lucky, my next one will be a convertible with the baseball glove seats, and it won’t be stored anywhere near my neighbors.
Support our mission of championing car culture by becoming an Official Autopian Member.
-
I Bought This Stately BMW E39 5 Series From Our Secret Designer For $1500 And It’s A Heck Of A Deal
-
Acura NSX, Studebaker President State, Mitsubishi Legnum VR-4: Mercedes’ Marketplace Madness
-
Why This BMW Wagon Is The Best Car I’ve Ever Purchased For Just $3,000
-
Ford Econoline SuperVan, Chrysler Executive Limousine, Lambretta LI 150 Series II: Mercedes’ Marketplace Madness
Jeez Mercedes, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to tolerate so much idiocy. I don’t know that I’d have managed to survive even half as much as I imagine you’ve dealt with. I’m misquoting and can’t recall who said it originally, but you can’t really overestimate the human potential for stupidity.
Congrats on saying goodbye to your TT. I’ve always wanted an early TT, ever since first laying eyes on one at Rusnak Audi in Pasadena (where I bought a used ’88 Audi 90 that I enjoyed for years, despite it stranding me on an almost monthly basis). They’re just so appealing, especially in that non-metallic battleship grey (a cliché now decades later, but back then very unusual) and with the baseball glove seats. A four-cylinder quattro hardtop would still be hard for me to walk away from… thankfully, by now it’s rare to run across them.
Of course, reading countless posts about how hard it is to service TTs, and talking to my (now retired) mechanic about it, and the complexity of changing the timing belt on the 1.8T even when it’s in a Golf, let alone crammed into the TT, etc… always scared me off. A neighbor has an early one in blue and swears that it’s never given her any trouble. Something about the exception proving the rule I suppose.
I’ve been busy lately and had about 30 tabs of unread Autopian articles. I’ve been making my way through them and said to myself “I’ll probably just skim Mercedes’ article.”
Nope! As always, her writing is just impossible to skip. Thank you Mercedes and thank everyone at The Autopian for such a great site.
I am so sorry you had this utter nightmare to deal with. The way I see it, the cheaper the area, the fewer braincells per capita.
You should come move to Wheeling. The only problem you’d have to deal with up here is amateur pilots coning and going from the airport here.
Another thing I learned when trying to sell my Fifth Avenue is selling a $1,000 car will attract the absolute worst of humanity. At least that’s the experience I’ve had since no one else wanted the damn thing.
This was horrifying and disheartening…but I’m glad you shared your story. People need to be aware of how LGBTQ+ people are treated in this country; just because some communities can now display pride flags and other messages of support doesn’t mean that the undercurrent of pure hatred is gone. And regarding Facebook Marketplace and other means of online sales…I recently paid a junk-hauling service to take away a somewhat decent sleeper sofa because no donation site would take it, and I was absolutely terrified of trying to sell it online. Heck, not too long ago a man in this area was killed while trying to sell his Range Rover, and he had done everything “right” — he let people know where he was going, he met the supposed buyer in a shopping area. It’s sad that things have to be this way.
This is bloodboilingly infuriating, particularly the part where your neighbor called you “it.” I hate that intolerant ghouls have so perverted the narrative that this can even begin to be considered acceptable conduct among people.
If nothing else, thank you for being you, Mercedes. You, Kyree, and many others being out and proud in the (often conservative) car community gives me hope that we can establish acceptance and better yet, celebration of LGBTQIA+ people no matter what community.
Jeepers, what a sad tale!
I have often thought about getting a MK1 Audi TT, as it is just such a nice design, but it will cost about 10 times as much in annual taxes here (DK) as my Porsche 356 (which I will never sell), so that will be at a more wealthy time in my life.
The easiest thing in the world is buying more useless stuff (I have 5 cars of which 2 are registered and running, but at least I’ve managed not to buy any in 2 years..) and the hardest is focusing on what you really really want.
And please use some of your car buying money to get a decent storage/workshop/playroom/museum/garage/chamberofsecrets/whatever instead.
I expected this to be another story of Audi unreliability.
I am appalled at the number of tribulations that you have to deal with just to live your frickin’ life, to the point where you have to pick a few to fight and shrug off dozens of other slurs and bullshit.
I am only posting here to say that I think you’re awesome. I am sorry that such a non-trivial portion of people around you are so… mean. Don’t even have better words. This kind of stuff would make me scream in outrage and frustration. Why did they have to ruin your cars??? I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
It’s just so amazingly disgusting that there are people out there like that, and they still seem to be so prolific. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that filth and garbage on such a regular basis. I can tell you we don’t feel that way in this household.
I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through, but I am so glad you fought back and took legal action against your HOA. HOA’s are terrible. We live in one of those fancy/stupid subdivisions where you can’t do anything, but I never worried too much about mine until I got a letter indicating some very vague complaints about my landscaping. I was very cordial in my response, asking for clear directions on what needed to be addressed in the timeline given. I worked in landscaping when I was younger, so I’m very happy to have a discussion with them as to what constitutes a healthy yard and what is considered grass (hint: anything that a grazing animal will eat). After multiple letters with no response, my wife’s lawyer sister wrote a very nice letter asking for specific documents and actions the board has taken with other homeowners in similar situations. Again no response. Unfortunately we suspect it may have simply been harassment because our family is mixed race. My wife did not want to elevate the matter, but I am still mad as hell years later. I now make it a point to do fairly obnoxious stuff like change wheels, grind metal and weld in my driveway. My yard is always yellow with dandelions (please feed the bees). If I get another letter, I’ll be happy to point out that I have a documented history of being harassed by the HOA and that board members can be held individually liable for violations of the fair housing act.
This. HOAs are garbage, run by a lot who think they’re the last bastion of “a better time”. We are consistently harassed for our lawn, even though it’s better kept and cleaner than all of our immediate neighbors (cul-de-sac). Funny thing is, before I moved in, no such complaints were ever raised. As soon as they found out my boyfriend and I were gay, they came fast and loud. ‘Ironically’, 2 doors down is the guy who does like half the neighborhood’s lawns, and he’s a Trump loving.. something of a guy (who’s yard consistently looks like shit). We really noticed it when after 2 years (before I moved in fully) of not being able to have enough candy for Halloween, last year, ONE family came to our house. Not even our immediate neighbors with small kids showed. I guess I’m just not shocked by stuff like this, but it had my boyfriend in tears. He started house hunting over it, but ya know, housing market..
People think homophobia, or let’s be honest, queer hate (and racism) is a thing of the past, and it very much isn’t.
Sooooo…..yeah….. they tried to steal mine, too! 02 TT ALMS silver/red. The Audi specialist that used to work on mine and cops said they broke into all his on the lot and they won’t arrest them because they won’t be prosecuted. I got my ignition working, but instead of rehabbing the entire car, I decided to just run it til it dies. 207,000 total miles and 3 years later, it’s still going! Contact me and when it dies, or before, I’ll give you a good deal!
It’s amazing how brave people are when they think they’re anonymous. It’s always the cowards that spout off. Sorry for what you’ve endured. Thank you for not being bitter. Thank you for your excellent writing.
I am sorry you’ve had to go through all of that just to enjoy some vehicles. I will never understand why certain people get so bent about the choices other people make with their bodies. It’s not their body and doesn’t impact them.
Anyhoo, you have my support and are welcome to use my garage space if you ever need to wrench in Maine.
I just wanna be your friend. Your ability to still be a strong, fun, patient and forgiving person in the face of all that horseshit is inspirational. Also V10 TDI races.
Also also interesting/sad to know what happened to the W8. I always wondered. Need to swap my manual sedan into my tip wagon, they’re such fun cars. :/
Sometimes the right thing to do is be a good citizen and be respectful to your neighbors Mercedes. I get it, you technically didn’t violate any association bylaws (according to your side of the story) but you definitely degraded any level of aesthetics in your neighborhood by parking multiple shit boxes everywhere. And yes, no one can tell you how to live your life with which I agree. You don’t understand it now, but someday you’ll realize that life is too short to be always pissed off and hold grudges. Write your obituary then live life backwards.
This is what you took from this story? Her cars were STOLEN multiple times and the HOA broke the law singling her out.
Nothing she wrote came across as bitter or holding a grudge.
In fairness, we only read her side of the story and to me, it came across as a bit of a rant. And there’s a LOT to unpack from the story and my comment addressed only one aspect. My point was to be a bit more considerate of neighbors, even if you disagree with them. And you have to admit, that van is really unsightly.
There are two sides to every story, but sometimes I don’t need to hear the other one to have a really good idea of which one is the truth, or at least way closer to it.
This is like an AI chatbot trying to give fatherly advice, only it missed every point.
Thank you for complimenting my AI writing style. And both my kids really appreciate my fatherly advice, so there!
Ho-Lee-Shit.
And you want to talk about shit boxes? Then polish your fucking car. Cars in the scrapyard have patina: be better than that.
Thank you for the advice and assuming I own and display my shit boxes in my neighborhood. I actually keep my shit boxes in a garage about 10 miles from my house. One of my shit boxes, a green 1978 F150, actually gets a lot of compliments when out and about so maybe I’m doing something right.
you’re a bad person
Why does this apply to her and not any of the other people in the story?
ding ding ding
I’m not sure how your conclusion is that I’m holding a grudge or am pissed off. If anything, I’ve indicated that this saga made me depressed and even a bit scared for my safety.
I have security cameras on my deck because I feared that things were going to escalate past vandalism and car thefts. I thought that at some point, someone was going to break into my apartment.
As for respecting neighbors, I sure hope your advice also applies to my neighbor, the meth heads, and the condo association. There’s no reason for my neighbor to call me “it.”
I’ve spent way too much time unwrapping this story and make no conclusions on your mental state. However, I do conclude you are the Arlo Guthrie of the Autopian staff.
I opened this article hoping for a quick read about your “Dream Car,” knowing full well you have too many (sorry to be judgey) dream cars, motorcycles, caravans, airplanes, etc.
Then I was pulled into this tale about how you were able to dispose of a title-less Audi “dream car” for something more than $250 (but I can’t find the price) after having three cars towed, your tools stolen, witnessing a meth-head car fire, being interrogated by the police and enduring nasty comments about your lifestyle.
Like the song about avoiding the draft because the protagonist littered – and the first, perhaps all Indiana Jones movie (Nazis would have died at the end with or without Indiana), the result would have been the same had you simply scrapped the car. Ok, you did make a few bucks more, but do I have to wait until Chapter 2 to find out how much more?
Anyway, I did learn something from your article. The title to my ’97 Jaguar “Dream Car” had been sitting in the glovebox since I took it to a car swap meet last year with the unfulfilled hope of selling it. I promptly ran out, retrieved it and locked it up.
So thank you.
Obligatory I’m-non-binary-and-also-I’ve-changed-my-handle-since-the-J*-days (used to be much fuzzier and more fungal) – but seriously, Mercedes, you’re an inspiration. You (and Sheryl) standing strong in the face of that bullshit reinforces that I can, well, be myself, as I conquer… oh, no, a brake job and an oil change on an econobox, but still! Thank you. Sending much love, and wishing you all the luck in return.
People are awful Mercedes I’m so sorry.
What does one say? Having owned boats I understand the joy of finally seeing it go. As a human, I’m sometimes ashamed of my species.
They ARE!! But WHY?!? What does it benefit them being so terrible?
It’s “Love thy neighbor”! Not “Only love thy neighbor if they’re exactly like you”.
I think you might have missed the fascist memo that says hate your neighbor if they are not the same as you..
Wow. You are an incredibly patient person Mercedes. Any of that is a lot to manage on its own, but all overlapping at the same time like that, even moreso. I’m glad you also had Sheryl to help and support you through it. Here’s to closing that chapter and moving forward.
I’m not sure if at any point you ever shared even a little bit of this on the old site or here previously, likely not since there was the potential for litigation, but I’m also glad for this site where the full story can be shared, not stripping out some of the elements of what you endured dealing with different…groups. And that’s not a dig on any other sites at all, I’ve lurked on most other sites, but it does feel more open here and I think the replies/comments here even on just this story reflect that.
Ug, what a rollercoaster of shit! Hopefully you have other high points so that the ride isn’t completely brown!
I’ve really enjoyed your articles (and comments too before you started writing for that other virtual rag) over the years! I was blown away, and frankly, still am blown away for being such a strong, visible and positive representation of trans women! I wish I had half as much courage as you do!
My wife and I run our own small business in a reddish-blue town (maybe its purple with a bluish hue, dunno), and when I came out as a trans woman to my professional network, I got about 35% very vocal support, 8% positive responses and just a few outright transphobic responses. The remaining +50% of people never responded at all. These are all people I’ve worked with professionally for years.
Since then, we’ve just kept our heads down and focused on doing our work to the best of our abilities. We try not to attribute any negativity to us personally and just keep doing what we’re doing. That includes me working on my crappy BMW e21, teaching my teenage nieces how to change the oil in their cars (ya know, grooming), and building out a Sprinter camper van (which, when its done, will friggin blow away any other van you’ve highlighted here so far!).
Sometimes people amaze you! Some of the support we’ve received has been so heartwarming its made me cry! And sometimes, a lot of times, people just suck.
Thank you so much for your strength and mostly for your awesome articles!
Tend to your
fortune of Fortwos
Don’t strive for
a stutter of TTs.
Some (okay most) days I just hate the human race. It’s unfortunate that stupidity and unfounded vitriol have been normalized by certain politicians/media.
I think our leaders and media used to be civilized, so these people realized they weren’t accepted, and kept their offensive stupidity to themselves. But now they just feel free to spew their ignorant hatred around.
I’m glad you’re doing well. Congrats on selling the car and moving on.