Welcome to another Friday four-way shootout! Since this week’s winners all reportedly run and drive well, we’re going to pit them all against each other in a scenario. So don’t just scroll down and vote; sit tight for a minute and let me explain what we’re doing.
But first, we need our final winner, and I suppose no one will be surprised to hear it’s the Lincoln. It was close, though; the little faded blueberry put up a good fight. But it is hard to say no to a Panther, even one that has damn near been to the moon.
I guess for me, it would depend on where I was. Small town, or out in the middle of nowhere, it’s the Lincoln hands-down. But if I were closer in, I’d choose the Metro. I mean, it’s right there in the name. I’ve owned both big cars and small cars in the city, and parallel parking a Town Car on a regular basis is a hassle I don’t need.
All right, on to our scenario: You are standing in front of the Lewis & Clark statue in picturesque Seaside, Oregon. Parked around the traffic circle are these four cars, in exactly the condition they are listed in their respective ads. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to drive one of them from Seaside to Ocean City, Maryland, to the Jolly Roger Amusement Park, a distance of 3,015 miles by the shortest route. You pay nothing for the car, but you are handed $1,000 cash for fuel, food, lodging, etc. Whatever you don’t spend, you keep.
Sounds impossible with any of them, you say? Well, by looking at the numbers on Fuelly, the fleet average MPG here should be somewhere in the mid to high teens, give or take. Three thousand miles at 16 MPG is only 188 gallons of gas. Last week the prices I saw crossing the country were hovering around an average of $3.50 a gallon, which puts the total fuel bill at $660. That gives you over $300 to feed yourself for forty-five hours, and maybe splurge on a motel room once or twice to catch some Zs.
Oh, and I’ll throw in a bonus, for you to use as you see fit on your journey: a Mexican-made wool blanket that I got from a street vendor in Tijuana many years ago. Don’t worry; I washed it.
1992 Cadillac Fleetwood six-door limousine
The case for it: On a long road trip, comfort counts for a lot. And not just a smooth and quiet ride, but a good driving position, just-so air conditioning, and a decent stereo. I’ve never had a Brougham, but I put some road trip miles on a Coupe DeVille a few years ago, and it was a very relaxing ride. Plus, if you want to stop at a rest stop and take a nap, you’ve got three big bench seats to choose from.
The case against it: Drive-through lanes might be a challenge with the extra length. Parking anywhere, really, is going to be a pain in the ass.
1994 Mercedes-Benz SL 500 roadster
The case for it: It’s small, maneuverable, comfortable, and likely the fastest of the bunch. If you’re willing to push and burn a little extra gas, you could get to Ocean City quicker in this than in anything else. Not that I’m condoning any sort of Cannonball/Gumball shenanigans, but if you wanted to, you could.
The case against it: It may be reliable for a Mercedes, but if anything does go wrong, you’re a lot less likely to find parts for it along the way than some of the others. It’s also harder to fix things yourself on something this complicated. Plus, it takes 91 octane fuel, which will eat into your budget quite a bit.
1968 Chevrolet C20 Flatbed
The case for it: Shit happens on a road trip. Things break. Worn-out parts choose the least opportune moment to give up the ghost. When they do, there’s something to be said for a vehicle that had the same engine for decades, and for which parts can be obtained at any auto parts store in any little town.
The case against it: Remember what I said about comfort? Yeah – this doesn’t have it. It will be noisy, rough, smelly, and probably pretty slow. Driving this thing across the country would be a workout.
2000 Lincoln Town Car Cartier Edition
The case for it: It’s the newest and most modern of the bunch, and likely the most fuel efficient. It’s incredibly comfortable – though you might want to throw that blanket over the trashed seat – and should make for a fatigue-free drive.
The case against it: It has a lot of miles on it already. Which pothole is going to be the last straw for a ball joint? Which mountain pass is going to overheat the transmission for the last time? If it has been well cared-for, it should be fine, but how do you know?
So that’s it for this week. By the time Monday’s edition rolls around, my wife and I will be on the road again, on the second of three cross-country drives to get everything moved to Maryland. In the meantime, have fun deciding which of these old heaps you’d attempt to follow me in. Have a great weekend!
(Image credits: Craigslist/Facebook Marketplace sellers)
I would drive the SL to wherever I am going and then drive off in the Town car.
Caddy without question. Float across the country. Set the CC at 65 and relax.
The MBz’s hydraulic top WILL fail. It’s just a matter of when it blows and sprays stinking hydraulic oil all over the inside, not if, and good luck getting that mess cleaned up much less finding parts in Elk’s Ass, Wyoming.
The C20 would be punishment after a few mlles and that Panther is just gross.
> Elk’s Ass, Wyoming
A welcoming place
Depends on how it smells inside that Town Car.
I’m gonna say like a cigarette, vinyl, and baked fart casserole.
Buy a seat cushion, ride the Lincoln in comfort.
I voted for the pickup. If I’m going across America, I’m doing it in worn blue jean style.
Caddy, no tetanus shots needed, no worries about what’s crawling up my leg, and IIRC the highway mileage should be decent.
Ok, I was gonna vote for the C20 truck since I loved both of those but voted for the Rabbit truck since I really want one and don’t need a stakeside bed…but in this Cannonball type scenario the truck wouldn’t be as good for it (even though I wouldn’t be averse to it) so I voted for the limo since it would be so fun to cruise in one of those cross country and I loved the condition and all the blue
I want to drive the Mercedes. But I don’t like my odds of making it in a suspiciously cheap one for $1000.
The Cadillac is a rolling hotel room, but the mileage is ghastly, and I am getting to the point where silly things like sleeping in cars does not appeal. Then again, saving on hotels could be the winner for mileage from $1000.
The Lincoln is dirty, but nice hotel rooms are clean. Despite moon-level mileage, the Panther is known to have surprising durability. Even Florida ones. Parts are available at the nearest Autozone. The most likely success for the $1000, but I’d likely use the extra money to sleep somewhere comfy.
The truck: no.
I had to go Merc. If the Caddy was a regular length instead of the limo, I could have chosen it. I have made a lot of cross country trips. Comfort, working AC, a good radio (Sirius would be ideal) are all must haves.
So the condition of the Town Car is a little scary and this is no mission for the truck. So it was Caddy vs Merc. The size of the Caddy would get old at gas stations, parking lots, motels, drive thru, etc. For this mission, the Merc wins and it’s not too hot out, I’ll drop the top too. Comfort and less driving fatigue is heck of a lot more important to me than saving a few bucks. Safe travels!
Cadillac Limo for me. If you want to go on a road trip and bring the WHOLE family WITH some friends, this is the vehicle that can do it in comfort for all passengers.
If a clanky, smelly, pokey Peugeot made with hard to find parts was the winner last week why couldn’t a zippy, beauty and finicky 90s Mercedes made with easier to find parts do the same this week?