Good morning! Since it’s coming up on Halloween, I just had to do another round of hearses, didn’t I? Today we’re looking at one freshly-retired hearse, and one that’s already been converted into sort of a party bus. And they both have a scary surprise or two of their own.
Yesterday we looked at some frightening convertibles from the great state of Maine. I thought for sure the BMW was going to sail home with this one, but apparently the one-two punch of a check engine light and an automatic transmission was too much for a lot of you. Conversely, it sounds like some of you reluctantly chose the Z3 for fear of not fitting in the MG.
In the end, the Midget won, narrowly, and that’s probably the only scenario in which an MG Midget is going to beat a BMW. Being the British sports car fan that I am, you can all probably guess my choice. But man, that chin spoiler has got to go.
Now then: It takes a special sort of person to want a used hearse. It’s not like an old cop car or public works truck; a hearse has had dead people in it, probably hundreds of them, and that freaks some people out. But on the other hand, the mileage that a hearse accumulates is a lot gentler than the mileage a cop car sees, so a hearse is less likely to be worn out mechanically. Plus, you can fit lots of stuff in it, if you need to. And in a pinch, if you turn the headlights on and have a bunch of friends follow you with their lights on as well, everyone will yield to you and you don’t have to stop for traffic lights. (Don’t do that.)
I was also surprised to find out how cheap used hearses can be. I found quite a few in the $6,000 range, which isn’t bad at all for a low-mileage, loaded, top-of-the-line Cadillac that just happens to also be a station wagon. These were my favorites; let’s check them out.
1995 Cadillac Fleetwood S&S Hearse – $5,500
Engine/drivetrain: 5.7-liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Littleton, MA
Odometer reading: 83,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
The “Fleetwood” name in Cadillac’s lineup bounced around between platforms a few times. First there was the Peter Green era, then Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham came onto the scene, and – no, wait, I’m thinking of something else. This Fleetwood is the last of GM’s full-sized body-on-frame car platforms, along with the legendary Chevy Impala SS and Buick Roadmaster.
Power for this big beast comes from a 350 cubic inch LT-1 V8, often referred to as a “Corvette engine,” but that’s not quite the case. This version isn’t quite as powerful as the Corvette version, but it’s still no slouch. Not that a hearse needs a ton of power or speed, of course, but it’s nice to know it’s there for this car’s “afterlife,” as it were. The seller says everything works including the air conditioning, and it has had recent work on the brakes, cooling system, and exhaust.
Inside, it has been de-hearsed a bit; the tray has been taken out, and seats from a GMC minivan have been added, along with a fancy rug, giving it a custom van vibe. The front passenger area is still original, and looks nice. And of course, it has all the luxury goodies you’d expect to find in a Cadillac from 1995.
Unfortunately, it’s a northeast car, and it has the rust to show it. It isn’t bad yet, but there are bubbles appearing around the bottom edge of the vinyl roof, and a few underside photos show even more rust. Not scary, exactly, but there’s definitely a sense of impending doom.
2005 Cadillac Deville Federal Hearse – $6,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.6-liter dual overhead cam V8, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Odometer reading: 105,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Fasr-forward a decade, and the Fleetwood was gone, replaced by the Deville, which was front-wheel-drive with unibody construction, which must have taken some adjustment on the part of the coachbuilders that make hearses. The Deville’s aerodynamic body style doesn’t lend itself too well to a traditional formal hearse shape, either. And I find it funny that hearses are the last holdout of the padded vinyl roof; I wonder if it’s just because it makes it easy to hide the cuts and welds.
But if you want to see something really scary, look under the hood, where lurks one of the more infamous beasts in General Motors’s history: the Northstar V8. This being a 2005 model, it should have fewer issues than the earlier models, but it’s still a pain to work on. This one has 105,000 miles on it, which seems high for a hearse; I wonder if this car belonged to a funeral home out in the country, where it had to cover more miles?
This car was just retired from funeral duty, and it still has all the associated “gear” intact. It’s in excellent shape, it looks like, so I’m not sure why it’s being sold off. It’s not like hearses go out of style, is it? Maybe just because it’s coming up on twenty years old. Still looks practically like new inside, though.
It’s clean and rust-free outside, and it has some of the longest damn landau bars I’ve ever seen. I got curious about why hearses always have landau bars; as far as I can tell, they have them because they’ve always had them. No other reason. This shape used to be an external part of the structure of a folding roof, but now hearse manufacturers just stick them on out of tradition.
As I said, it takes a certain disposition to drive an old hearse. They’re popular with goths, but, like, campy goths. You have to be able to take it a little bit lightly. You also have to be willing to put up with lousy gas mileage and have some next-level parallel parking skills. It occurs to me that an old hearse would also make a great band van, for the right kind of band. Or, hell, just ignore its roots and use it as a Suburban alternative, and let ’em stare. However you choose to use it, which one of these are you taking?
(Image credits: sellers)
These both suck. Get the last REAL Cadillac hears, a ’75 Miller Meteor Fleetwood – they still had the mighty 500CI motor, and let’s just say that for commercial use they weren’t quite as smog-strangled as one might think in ’75. I worked for a friend’s family funeral home and got to drive the thing a couple times.
RWD Fleetwood for me. It will be a better hauler, easier to work on and likely far more durable.
Something Something LS Swap Something Something. Rust is not the death knell on a body-on-frame as a unibody would.
Plus White-letter Tires. Fleetwood.
I say fill it with amps and subwoofers the way Wayne Harris did back in the 80s when car audio was just becoming a thing.
The rear wheel drive will talk to me after the glitter fades.
I’m going with tailgating as the best, highest use for a hearse. Not as cool as a Fanbulance (see https://neuhoffmedialafayette.com/2021/09/07/28512/ ), but it would hold everything you’d need for a first-rate party and you could deck it out in opposing teams’ colors. The Fleetwood is my choice, due to both the engine and the ugly front end of the Deville.
Personally, I don’t really want either. If I’m going to pick between the two, I’m going with the Deville. Pull the vinyl top off and cut some windows into the rear section and pretend you have some rare high-roof Deville wagon. Alternatively, go full Ecto-1 on it.
I’ve never wanted a hearse, but “neither” is not an option (I know the rules here) so we’ll take the Fleetwood for the classic layout as well as the current owner’s un-hearsing efforts. Wonder if I could install some windows and give it a Vista Cruiser vibe …
I’ll add a trailer hitch and use the Fleetwood as a hot air balloon chase vehicle.
While I loath the LT1 motor completely, at least it is not the Northstar. I will take the RWD older model in this instance. Though for that money, I would much rather bid on the 1960 model here. https://www.ebay.com/itm/395818973312?itmmeta=01JBF12G1DWRNC1DWGHY5SE7VD&hash=item5c28a63880:g:ouYAAOSwVGFnGCns&itmprp=enc%3AAQAJAAAA4Mxmj%2BiGvOveHXEBClPb29i3cNA6EdzxAjHaqDDziFhJsuv1iKyvyp7rIzJ8V3vXziJZHDcH6fz8pdrLiKI6BFu1hs0WvxhBv6pzozJ568xQ1MlUUdAfH%2BDYWEqgxtoTVeA0HYZVyHYu7t%2BPBtlxjVE%2F20ae17nE3pafqoUc9%2BuQYf2jWPo1LIApCrtMTinlyNCsqzMSDArYoL6aG%2BrRrbQVtvv1f3w2m6365TFkcoQm1KQBOdikKtMzfhdWnz5crcyK%2Fr6E1O%2B%2F5qicFJXZmgrc5FzvHb5Rp03q3pp%2FypXp%7Ctkp%3ABk9SR-CAiuHbZA
I like older because I can work on them without a computer science degree, but this particular example is a bit beyond me. I do respect the floor mat used as a seat cover though. Nice weather resistant reuse.
Fleetwood > Deville
350 > Northstar
This one was easy. Also, was watching Ghostbusters last night, getting ideas…
LT1 with Optispark and reverse cooling along with 90’s On Board Diagnostics is somewhat equally terrible in this instance.
Is it though?
in my experience, yes
Fair enough. Mine was a ’93 and did not have the Optispark.
I would certainly rather have the 5.7 TBI even with the measly 190 HP. they had their issues, but were generally reliable and made plenty of torque. The optispark was something I thought I could deal with and then after trying it became a deal killer going forward.
The Fleetwood’s rust is a deal breaker for me. If it were cheaper I could excuse it. Once the Northstar in the Deville dies you can either look at engine swap options or send it away on a flatbed, which is the hearse for a car.
Rusty Fleetwood for me. I’d like it to be a little older, but it’s still got character. The mileage isn’t terrible, and I probably wouldn’t take it on long-distance trips anyway. Just cruise around town with the “Phantasm” theme playing.
Forget the CTSV, these are true Cadillac sportwagons!
I like the Fleetwood, but the white one is in so much better shape
No.
Maybe if was the E-Type from Harold and Maude.
You prefer the old Miller-Meteors? Don’t blame you.
Or a Flower car Ute! https://www.heritagecoach.com/used-vehicle-2018-cadillac-xts-flower-car-c-101/
I’d take the Fleetwoord- It’s already silver, and I could just add some blue stars to it and then drive it around AT&T stadium on game day as the perfect visual representation of the Cowboys season this (every) year. There’s loads of space in the back for a grill, cooler, chairs, everything you could need for the perfect tailgate vehicle.
Neither is a cooler side loader. so I’ll go against the Northstar, plus the Fleetwood mods aren’t bad and I suppose older is better for hearses even if these are past the era where I think they look good. From the older hearses I looked at to buy, they were often in fairly poor condition. I don’t think the coachbuilders cared too much about rustproofing (though neither did the OEMs) and the engines often had issues. Don’t know if they were worn from the load put on them even if the miles were low, were abused by the subsequent non-funeral-home owners, or just needed a few dozen Italian tuneups to clear them out (except for the pink ’75 or whatever it was that I looked at that had rod knock), but every one of them ran terribly or not at all (“It ran great when I parked it.” Yeah, sure, young David Gilmour lookalike).
Nobody actually died in them, so I never understood the superstition about that. I can’t imagine any dead person looking to hang around is going to pick the car that moved what was left of their body after the mortuary services got done with it over haunting a place they lived or died at or people they felt strongly about. I don’t know the rules about such things, but those unimpeachable ghost hunter shows seem to back me up that ghosts/spooks/spectres/phantoms/Camargues prefer former living quarters and death sites.
I think the padded vinyl is definitely to hide the welds as much as it being convention at this point since I think the industry stopped making limo style hearses when they stopped making ambulances that shared the all glass setup. At least, I haven’t seen a limo style that dates to after the ’70s.
The Deville is being retired because that funeral home knows that not even the dead want to be near a 20 year old Northstar, late model improvements be damned. I’ll take the Fleetwood and at some point run a few passes down the local drag strip on test and tune night.
If you want go really fast in a hearse you have to bury the throttle.
I don’t want to arrive at my destination in either of these. So I guess I’ll take the Northstar.
Having owned in my past a 1972, 1973, and 1977 Cadillac hearse, I can say with some authority that the last “good looking” hearse was in 1992. Every thing since then has been a shrinky-dink, melted bar of soap, or waterhead baby version of the clean hard lines that ruled the 70s & 80s. Go back further and you get the artistic curves of the 60s, 50s, etc. Kind of like Art Deco and Art Nouveau but hearses, and much preferred to the last 3 decades of Art Hellno.
And of these two, the ’95 Fleetwood is a closer neighbor to glory. Not to mention, despite the slight Halloween value spike, it is at least somewhat reasonably priced in this market.
My favorite was a ’67 MM limo style I looked at—with the jutting headlights and shark nose, it was such a badass looking wagon. If it were a sideloader, it would have been perfect. IIRC, Diamonds Are Forever had one like it except landau and maybe a sideloader. Major rust and wouldn’t start, though, so I passed on it.
I voted newer. I don’t really want either Hearses do freak me out. Who usually buys one of these? A smaller funeral parlor in need of their next ride? The photos of mausoleums is enough in the second set of photos. But I first thought I was looking at a satin lined coffin in the first photo. I guess it’s a greenhouse.
Usually a mortician will use the old hearse as a “first call” car, essentially used to pick up a customer from a home or hospital. If a funeral business is too new or their last hearse too damaged/unsightly to be used as a first call vehicle they will acquire second hand. But primarily these are mothballed until they need an extra buck or the parking space. At which point some aspiring goth kid will buy it.
Hearses are incredibly space-inefficient, a van or a minivan will serve vastly better any purpose you have for a decomissioned one.
Having said that, if you absolutely need to channel your inner Nate Fisher, the ’95 is a better option. It’s more elegant and easy to work on.
I can’t get over the tackiness of chromed wheels.
There’s so much room in the engine bay. I could source the old Cadillac V16 engine and restromod the engine and install it in the Fleetwood…
I wouldn’t be caught dead in either of these vehicles! 😉
( I chose the Fleetwood because it is the more traditional caddy and has had the coffin hardware removed)
LT1 over Northstar for me.