Sometimes It’s Best Not To Look

I really didn’t have any spare time this weekend. Yesterday I flew to Utah to drive the new Subaru Crosstrek Wilderness, so I had a lot of work to do on Sunday to prepare: I had articles to write, applications to finish reviewing, merchandise I had to ship, and on and on. And yet I spent three hours at a junkyard on Sunday, baking under the hot sun. Why? Because I decided to break the cardinal rule; I looked. This is a problem that many of my car-friends also struggle with: They’re constantly browsing Craigslist instead of just ignoring it, and the result is: They get themselves into dumb situations.

On Sunday the sun was beating hard against my face in Southern California. I’d forgotten my hat, and knew I’d have a sunburn as a result. I was sweating like a cold can of pop on a muggy day, and, as the person responsible for keeping this site running and growing, I really, really had a lot of non-wrenching shit to do. Why was I at the ‘yard? The answer: Because I looked. I did what many folks convince themselves is just “innocuous browsing,” specifically of the inventory of my local junkyard, the LKQ Pick-A-Part in Sun Valley.

I’d banged in my regular “jeep” search term to see what was in the ‘yard — “hmm, looks like a 1994 ZJ Grand Cherokee. And it appears to have a front brush guard; intriguing,” I thought:

I clicked the link and took a closer look at the ZJ. “It appears to have oversized tires and side steps; if only those were rock rails.”

“Let’s get another look at that brush guard,” I pondered, curious. “Ah, it’s one of those that hooks to the front structure via two vertical main members. There’s no winch mount built in, and since I plan to add a winch to my ZJ, I don’t know that I’m really that interested.”

“But hey, look at the rear; are those taillight protectors? I might want those.” Let’s look a bit more closely:

“Hmm, those are tailli— WAIT JUST A SECOND. Is that a…surely it’s not a…it can’t be…” [I slowly clicked my mouse to next photo while controlling breathing with a paper bag]:

“HOLY CRAP! It is! It’s the holy grail of Jeep ZJ accessories: the coveted official Jeep spare tire carrier!”

At this point, there was no turning back. You see, these are unbelievably rare — so rare, in fact, that I’ve already written two articles about them this year. This is now the third, making The Autopian the official authority on the ZJ “official” spare tire carrier — we’ll have to add that to our list of accolades.

My first article, titled “My Current ‘Random Car-Part Obsession’ Is The Hyper-Rare Jeep Grand Cherokee Factory Spare Tire Carrier. What’s Yours?” describes why these bent-up tubes are so special that I was about to drop $250 on one.

From that article:

I’m about to spend $250 on a spare tire carrier — that’s half of what I’ve spent on some entire vehicles! Why, you might ask? Well, this spare tire carrier is hyper-rare, and I’m one of those snobs who believes factory-original is golden. Plus, aftermarket spare tire carriers require the replacement of the rear bumper, and that totally changes the look of a machine that I think looks swell in stock form.

[…]

That’s far too much money, but the seller has a monopoly! ZJ spare tire carriers are like hens’ teeth — complete unobtanium. I’ve never seen one for sale, and I’ve maybe only ever seen one on the road. They’re not exactly elegant, and they really eat into that departure angle; I’m not thrilled about that. Honestly, I’m worried I’ll bend mine off-road, but we’ll see.

Then later I wrote “How I’m Building The Greatest Jeep Grand Cherokee Ever By Using Rare Original Parts” discussing the trek I took out to Fontana to buy a spare tire carrier from a sketchy impound lot (at night! See below), and what it took to get the thing off the ZJ. Plus, I wrote about how I’ve amassed the ultimate Jeep ZJ parts to build the very best all-factory-parts Jeep Grand Cherokee in existence.

Here’s a little blurb from that article wherein I attempt to justify spending all that time and money on a trailer hitch with some tubing meant to carry a tire:

In addition, the spare tire takes up far too much room in the ZJ’s cargo area — a gripe darn-near every reviewer in the 1990s mentioned during evaluation – so I’m currently in the process of picking up a hyper-rare, dealer-installed, MOPAR spare tire carrier.

Anyway, I’ve made my point: ZJ spare tire carriers are rare and extremely cool. This caused a problem, because I’d just found that a local junkyard had one in stock, but I really had no time to get it. Naturally, I just made time.

 

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It was a half an hour to the junkyard, then two hours arduously toiling with a ridiculously heavy spare tire carrier with a spare wheel and tire chained to it (the previous owner was probably tired of having the spare stolen), and then another half hour back home.

Honestly, it was a grind. Though I had power tools at my disposal (one thing I’ve learned getting older: Just spend the money on the battery-powered tools), I still wound up covered in grease, sweaty, and tired. And yet, part of me loved it. A BIG part of me loved it. I’ve spent so much time doing business on this laptop whose keys I’m currently banging that any chance to spin a wrench feels like it’s healing my soul. Still, my soul later took a beating from all the work that I had backing up, so part of me thinks that, indeed, the best solution really is to just not look at the local junkyard inventory, lest it put you into such a tough spot.

But then, when I was done unscrewing the factory mud flaps from the Jeep, I called up Jason, the Autopian reader to whom I’d sold my 1993 Jeep Grand Cherokee five-speed just before I moved out of Michigan. The joy in his voice upon hearing that I’d just scored him the unobtainium, official, dealer-installed spare tire carrier so that he can continue making his Jeep the most perfect one on earth — it made it all worth it. He’d just re-done the factory interior on his rare base-model ZJ, and he had the original radio installed with a hidden bluetooth receiver; he’s giving that ZJ more love than I ever had the time (or resources) to give it, so he deserves this spare tire carrier. His appreciation — and the knowledge that this rare piece of history won’t go to a crusher — made the inconvenience all worth it.

This is not the first time I’ve been forced by the car-gods to drive to the junkyard at an inopportune time. I once saw a razor-grille Jeep J10 truck in a Michigan junkyard, and the vehicle had a rare “hood bar” that fills the gap at the center of the hood. This piece:

Naturally, I drove over and snagged that. So many folks convert their Jeep SJ grilles to the Razor-style, but are unable to find a hood bar. This should help them complete their Jeep. I actually just offered my grille bar to a guy I saw at Porsche Cars and Coffee in Santa Clarita (you should attend if you’re in LA the first Saturday of any given month; it’s put on by Autopian co-founder Beau’s incredible Porsche dealership) who was missing it. But he’d just bought one and had it painted. Someday, though, someone will really appreciate my find.

Anyway, it’s not just junkyard inventory lists that have gotten me into trouble. Remember that broken FC I bought way out in Washington? Look at how much of a shitshow this caused!:

And just last week I committed to buy this 1963 Studebaker Champ pickup!:

Three grand for a rock-solid, bench-seat-equipped, stamped-tailgate-equipped, three-on-the-tree pickup!? How could anyone resist that? Nevermind that it was all the way up in Sumner, Washington and that I had absolutely no time to get it. It’s probably for the best that the seller sold it out from under me.

But who didn’t sell a car from under me was Celso, the man who sold me the Nissan Leaf on Saturday after I’d spotted it for far too cheap on Facebook Marketplace. You can read all about my acquisition of the cheapest (functional…ish) electric car sold in America here.

Right now I’m sitting in Zion National Park in Utah, land of the cheap, rust-free Jeep, and you bet your ass I’m “browsing” through Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace just waiting to find a deal so hot that I cannot resist, no matter how much of a shitshow obtaining and fixing it will yield.

So take it from a man with numerous physical and emotional scars: It really is best just not to look.