Home » The Autopian Has Officially Decided What Euphemism We’ll Use For [DAVID WON’T LET ME WRITE THIS WORD] – Tales From The Slack

The Autopian Has Officially Decided What Euphemism We’ll Use For [DAVID WON’T LET ME WRITE THIS WORD] – Tales From The Slack

Slack Tales Jingoff
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Mechjaz
Mechjaz
2 months ago

Onan:children::GM:sticking to a good idea

Tim Beamer
Tim Beamer
2 months ago

This made my whole day today. You guys are seriously hilarious. And I’m glad I was the only one in the office today when I read it.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago

The irony of banning “jacking off” for something that involves a car-adjacent euphemism that ends up being more graphic than the original banned term.

But I support it because lets get real, it’s going to allow Torch to run absolutely wild with creative euphemisms and that’s probably a solid third of the reason why I’m here.

Ottomottopean
Ottomottopean
2 months ago

If we could post GIFs I’d send the “Lighten Up Francis” meme toward David. Seriously though, I understand the effort to not let everything go to shit with your content. It’s probably easy to start that downward slide.

But, this was a quote. Journalistic integrity demands to maintain the correct reference to the source material!

Also, the Onan story in the bible; It always bothered me a lot that Catholics and other religions turned that in to, “masterbation=bad.” If anything I think God was just pissed that Onan disobeyed him. They just wanted an excuse. Might be the start of my asking questions and sliding into atheism, once upon a time…

Toecutter
Toecutter
2 months ago

No mention of substituting the word Wankel for it. Or perhaps “flogging the angry Dorito”.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago
Reply to  Toecutter

Wankel should only be used for failed attempts, as it implies something is broken.

Abdominal Snoman
Abdominal Snoman
2 months ago

You have to really wring them out to get anything out of them, but they make such a happy scream as it approaches the limiter.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago

Serious emissions out of dem Wankels.

Occam's Shaving Cream
Occam's Shaving Cream
2 months ago

They go through a lot of lube, too!

Urban Runabout
Urban Runabout
2 months ago
Reply to  Toecutter

Dorito?
Mine looks more like a burrito.

OH – You meant your Mazda!

Last edited 2 months ago by Urban Runabout
Jb996
Jb996
2 months ago
Reply to  Toecutter

Stroking my Wankel.

If only Wankel’s actually had an equivalent to camshaft stroke…

Tap-n-Die And Some WD-40
Tap-n-Die And Some WD-40
2 months ago

Clearly you’re all masters of your domain

Jack Trade
Jack Trade
2 months ago

Exactly! That was the show/episode that ended that taboo on network tv; it’s common now (er, on tv I mean), but back then, that episode was quite talked about. Also, it was 1992.

Patches O' Houlihan
Patches O' Houlihan
2 months ago

They’re kings (and queens) of the castle!

Sid Bridge
Sid Bridge
2 months ago

I support this decision.
“Yoking the driveshaft” is excluding those who identify as front wheel drive.
“Lubing the crank” is too obvious.
“Lapping the valves” is too old-fashioned.
“Finding the shifter detent” doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.
“Yanking up on the handbrake” is a little too violent.
“Choking the flaming chicken” just has a whole heap of Firebird-related issues.

So this works for me failing anything else.

Occam's Shaving Cream
Occam's Shaving Cream
2 months ago
Reply to  Sid Bridge

Deploying the airbag?

Mechjaz
Mechjaz
2 months ago

Brb grabbing the jiffy lube for an Onan change

Arrest-me Red
Arrest-me Red
2 months ago

Now that we have the blessing of the editors on high, go forth and spread the message. 🙂

Ben
Ben
2 months ago

I continue to find David’s lines in the sand confusing. This site has a daily article named The Morning Dump. I guess poop jokes are okay but masturbation is not?

Apparently, the song is about Shawn Mendes. She really dislikes Shawn Mendes. I’m fine with this as Shawn Mendes does kinda seem like a baby back bitch.

I don’t know who any of these people are, but she comes off as a judgy bitch, so I guess they’re well matched? I mean, imagine the horror of someone liking both meditation and the song Hallelujah! What a monster!

Again, I don’t know anything about either of these people so I’m writing from a position of complete ignorance outside of the tiny keyhole peep I got from this article. But I’d rather hang out with someone who likes meditation than someone who’s high on shrooms and likes giving other people shit for their taste in music.

Jack Trade
Jack Trade
2 months ago
Reply to  Ben

I guess poop jokes are okay but masturbation is not?

Sometimes this place does seem like network television circa the mid-80s, doesn’t it?

Mechjaz
Mechjaz
2 months ago
Reply to  Ben

This about as long as I can make a firm argument without pulling a boner, so I’ll snip off the excess and say I’m a little puzzled about that, too.

The site regularly runs a feature called Shitbox Showdown, there are regularly profanities, jokes, references, and double entendres. We’re pretty firmly in PG-13+ territory. What’s wrong with “jacking/jerking off?”

AlterId
AlterId
2 months ago
Reply to  Mechjaz

…so I’ll snip off the excess and say I’m a little puzzled about that, too.

Hubris is never advisable, although Hugh Bris would make a pretty good pseud.

Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
2 months ago
Reply to  AlterId

Hugh Bris would make a pretty good pseud

or the name of an overconfident mohel!

AlterId
AlterId
2 months ago

You’d think they wouldn’t be so cocky when they barely made the cut.

Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
2 months ago
Reply to  AlterId

True, and it wasn’t like Hugh was much of a barber either.

Every customer got the same treatment, just a little off the tip top.

Occam's Shaving Cream
Occam's Shaving Cream
2 months ago

How many MPG (Mohels Per Gallon) do you get?

Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
2 months ago

I think they’d be more fairly evaluated on a time/work-produced metric. You’d need something snappy as a mnemonic, along the lines of “how much wood could a woodchuck chuck” etc.

But for skins.

Last edited 2 months ago by Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
Dead Elvis, Inc.
2 months ago

aaaand I should remember to read “mohel” as it’s pronounced.

(It’s an old Irish name, right?)

Steve's House of Cars
Steve's House of Cars
2 months ago
Reply to  Ben

It’s likely our damn puritanical background here in America. Also explains why we can have violence but can’t have sexual imagery on broadcast tv while they do in Europe.

David being of a partially German upbringing though does raise the question why he’d be the one to make a fuss.

Last edited 2 months ago by Steve's House of Cars
Ben
Ben
2 months ago

Yeah, it’s just even weirder because they’re both bodily functions. It’s splitting that pubic hair really thin.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago
Reply to  Ben

I do find it strange that celebrity relationships now seem to have the sole purpose of having material for future diss tracks. I mean, not surprising, but boy are there a lot of pop songs that seem to have the primary purpose of shitting on specific exes these days. I guess if you’re dating a pop star, I suppose you’re signing up for the 95% chance that you’re going to be a punchline.

This is not a problem that I have, personally.

Data
Data
2 months ago

I’m only 51, but I assume Carly Simon was singing about me.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago
Reply to  Data

I mean, my non-Autopian name is Dave Coulier, but I doubt any of my exes have ever written anything negative about me. Or at least I’m not aware.

Thomas Hundal
Thomas Hundal
2 months ago

If they did, you feel like you oughta know, right?

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago
Reply to  Thomas Hundal

You, you, you… Have a point there.

Rob Schneider
Rob Schneider
2 months ago

Do we need a euphemism for thinking of Alanis Morissette while, um, doing something else in particular?

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago
Reply to  Rob Schneider

One hand in my pocket…

AlfaWhiz
AlfaWhiz
2 months ago

Onan finishing with Cummins is indeed a happy ending.

Was it a 2-stroke or a 4-stroke?

Last edited 2 months ago by AlfaWhiz
Shop-Teacher
Shop-Teacher
2 months ago

This is the hard hitting journalism I bought a membership for!

3WiperB
3WiperB
2 months ago

“Rev up your Onans”

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
2 months ago

“From now on, I’ll lube my own crankshaft!” Bruce Campbell in Bubba Hotep.

Taargus Taargus
Taargus Taargus
2 months ago

Ha, what a ludicrous movie. Love Bruce Campbell.

El Jefe de Barbacoa
El Jefe de Barbacoa
2 months ago

The Autopian Cunning Linguists and Master Debaters.

El Jefe de Barbacoa
El Jefe de Barbacoa
2 months ago

Buffing the Bishop, nice.

MATTinMKE
MATTinMKE
2 months ago

I originally learned that as Flogging the Bishop, but that doesn’t sound very pleasant. I’m not one for flogging. Buffing however…

Double Wide Harvey Park
Double Wide Harvey Park
2 months ago

He’s suspiciously quiet on the topic

Dangerous_Daveo
Dangerous_Daveo
2 months ago

Yeah, pretty sure given one of the writers, that’s not self appreciation, that’s a favour.

Beer-light Guidance
Beer-light Guidance
2 months ago

I can’t stop worrying about David’s poor Uncle Jack stuck up there on the roof.

Dave
Dave
2 months ago

I haven’t laughed this hard at a post all week! Thank you.

And I hope Jason is ok.

SaabaruDude
SaabaruDude
2 months ago

I feel like “Buffing the Bishop” would mean something VERY different on this site.

Mechjaz
Mechjaz
2 months ago
Reply to  SaabaruDude

Wait, what’s wrong with seeing a mysterious car designer/site contributor get a makeover? We could have judgey British people yelling at everyone (Uncle Adrian?) just like us Americans like.

Mercedes Streeter
Mercedes Streeter
2 months ago

Personally, I’m glad our editors are Onan up to their arguments.

Taco Shackleford
Taco Shackleford
2 months ago

Wow, it’s great to see you guys had your tip to tip moment.

Icouldntfindaclevername
Icouldntfindaclevername
2 months ago

This is all like peering out the window in the shower, to the pool

IRegertNothing, Esq.
IRegertNothing, Esq.
2 months ago

I read this as peeing out the shower window into the pool. I’m not sure which is worse.

Shooting Brake
Shooting Brake
2 months ago

Lolololololololololololololololololololololo

AlterId
AlterId
2 months ago

As someone who lives but 80 miles from the town of Onancock…

Sorry. I was trying to slide in a personal reference there, but it was a bit of a reach.

AlterId
AlterId
2 months ago
Reply to  Matt Hardigree

I haven’t even driven through in years. Maybe if I lived 11 miles closer.

Toecutter
Toecutter
2 months ago
Reply to  AlterId

That would place you 69 miles away. 69 is a good number. That’s the year my Triumph GT6 was manufactured.

AssMatt
AssMatt
2 months ago

Good lord. Okay, worth the wait. Anticipating next week’s SlackTales…with bated breath.

Outofstep
Outofstep
2 months ago
Reply to  AssMatt

Would you say that you’ve mastered the art of bated breath?

AssMatt
AssMatt
2 months ago
Reply to  Outofstep

No, I leave it to the pros.

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