This year celebrated the tenth anniversary of the Festival of the Unexceptional. From inauspicious beginnings a decade ago, which was basically a few owners of mundane motors parking up in a field, it’s now blossomed into a huge event held in the grounds of the appropriately named Grimsthorpe Castle. Organized by our friends at Hagerty, it’s one of the highlights of the British car show summer and cat nip to owners of the beigest cars known to man.
The Festival of the Unexceptional is not a regular classic car show. Well, it’s exactly that really, a show for cars that are rare but nobody cares. Not the usual chrome and wire wheeled stuff that’s well catered for elsewhere. There’s no clattering Beetles, crusty MGs or anything exotic (apart from one Ferrari, ahem). The focus (sorry) is on the resolutely middle of the road mass market stuff that normal people with kids and mortgages bought in the seventies, eighties and nineties. If the standard equipment includes non-alloy wheels and a dazzling array of switch blanks, all the better. Slightly cheesy special edition with a hideous stripy interior and iffy decals? Parking is over there. Obscure barge with a velour interior and an interior aroma reminiscent of key swapping parties? Here’s your ticket. Stark bollock naked spec family hatch? Step right this way.
About forty or so cars every year are selected by the organizers to be displayed on the lawn in front of the castle to make up the coveted Concours d ’Ordinaire. These are the crème de la crap. An assembly of the acceptable. A massing of the mediocre. The cut-off for this works on a rolling twenty five year basis, so for this year that means nothing offered for sale after 1999. They are then judged at the end of the day by a committee including several well known UK based auto-journalists and attempts to bribe them with custard cream biscuits (cookies) are encouraged. Awards are handed out and an overall winner is declared (a slightly controversial one this year, as we’ll see). Everybody not in the concours gets to park in a dedicated classic and unexceptional display area, and punters turning up in modern stuff are shunted out of sight round the back to prevent them trying to sneak into the display area, because of course in the past young vapers in Subarus with noisy fuel maps and slammed BMWs tried to do exactly that.
Enough waffle from me, let’s look at some utter automotive dross.
1981 Austin Metro
This striking shade is called Applejack green – so sweet looking I wanted to take a bite out of it. The Metro was meant to replace the classic Mini. British Leyland had no money, so the Metro had to use updated versions of Mini running gear, including the grinding A series engines with the gearbox in the sump and its subframes. At the time, the Metro was a considerable source of pride in the British motor industry, although God alone only knows why compared to a Fiat 127 or VW Polo. Diecast models came in Union Jack boxes and TV ads showed a line of Metros on the white cliffs of Dover in a non-too subtle war reference. This is an extremely early version from 1981, and the sunken headlights (as opposed to flush items on posher Metros) denote a povvo-spec 1.0 engine. What a stoater though – bask in the thigh burning plainness of that vinyl interior. This was in the concours and won the Chairman’s Award. As if the Chairman would be seen dead in a humble Metro, a car for the hired help.
1990 Mercedes 190E
Imagine a car totally sucked dry of all vitality. Imagine no more, friends. From the post war German housing estate grey paint to its totally joyless wheel trims, I find this car immensely soothing, like a children’s playground constructed entirely out of concrete. A stolid example of dour German efficiency in a world of frippery. After the thermonuclear apocalypse two things will emerge from the smoking rubble – cockroaches and Sacco-era Benzes. The bodyside cladding marks this out as a later facelift model and the E denotes the 1.8 motor is fuel injected. I would drive this around listening to Einstürzende Neubauten tapes on the optional Becker Europa stereo.
1999(?) Suzuki Swift AWD.
Your humble author neglected to get a picture of this wheeled egg-plant that included the license plate, so I can’t give you an exact year of first registration for this little Suzuki but let’s say 1999 because this looks like a late model and that’s the final year of eligibility for the Concours d ‘Ordinaire. If it looks familiar this car was also a Subaru Justy, a Geo Metro, the Holden Barina and a few other names depending where on the globe you come from. Frustrated by years of building motorcycles that are only one-wheel-drive, Suzuki overcompensated by making the most useless all-wheel-drive car ever. I’m not sure what engine is in this – it could be a 1.0 liter or a 1.3. Either way I don’t really care. Nice color though.
1997 Renault Twingo
A sort of 1992 interpretation of the Renault 4, the monobox Twingo sported lots of clever touches such as an instrument pod in the center of the dash, a sliding rear seat to increase legroom or cargo room and secondary controls molded in bright green. Interiors came in suitably jazzy fabrics and the UK motoring press worked themselves up so much over this car they needed a cold shower. The French being French however decided the UK didn’t deserve any fun and therefore never sold the Twingo here officially. Plenty have made the 22 mile journey across the channel though, including this Spring limited edition in white, which makes it look like a friendly washing machine.
1996 Lada Riva
Because we weren’t miserable enough in the eighties, the UK decided to import more misery in the form of the Lada Riva. Your average British family could cosplay a life behind the iron curtain for about four grand, when a typical Ford Escort of the time started at about ten. Think of all the turnips you could buy with the difference. Our Soviet stalwart here is riding on Continental tires, which I strongly suspect were not standard fitment. Weirdly due to it being a derivative of the old Fiat 124, according to Wikipedia this is the third best selling single car platform of all time after the Beetle and Model T. I think I’d rather drive a Beetle than one of these, and I fucking hate Beetles.
1986 BMW 316
Just how badly did you have to want an E30 to drive this, a 3 series for people who hate themselves and the idea of getting anywhere quickly. A glance at contemporary car magazines tells me in 1986 this retailed for £7995 and included such luxuries as seats and wheels. None of your fancy BBS cross spoke alloys or Blaupunkt stereos here. Or fuel injection for that matter. Instead you can marvel at the engineering integrity, build quality and the amount of switch blanks you’ve bought right up to the moment it spits you off the first wet rotary you come across. As enticing as a night out at a Berlin comedy club.
2004 Rover 25 Streetwise
Good grief, the death throes of the British car industry summed up in one ancient hatchback. The 25 had already been on sale since 1995 by the time the Streetwise appeared in 2003. Desperate to move some metal after BMW came to their senses in 2000 and dumped the company, Rover needed to appeal to the youth market because most of their customers were union jack humping coffin dodgers, one tabloid headline induced rage stroke away from the grave. The 10mm jacked up ride height, rugged unpainted bumpers and body side cladding might have suggested four wheel drive, but the Shitwise was two wheel drive only. I’ve never seen one with the cladding painted sliver before, and hope I never see one again.
1982 Toyota Hilux
Years ago my best friend had one of these. The first time I drove it I nearly put it on its roof because my daily driver at the time was a Porsche Boxster. Anyway I promised you controversy, and here it is. This immaculate, unrestored pick-up was the overall winner of the Concours d’ Ordinaire. In the days after the FOTU there was a minor brouhaha on Twitter about how this winning didn’t really feel in keeping with the spirit of the event, and I’m inclined to agree. Toyota pick ups have been cool since at least Back to the Future, and this could easily win Radwood UK, which a cynical (me?) writer might think is the point. Anyway, deserved winner or not you could eat your dinner off any part of this and it’s only covered 20,000 miles since new, working for a living on a fruit farm. Not working very hard though by the look of it.
Rover Streetwise aside, all the above were entrants in the concours. What follows is selection of the best of the rest, stuff not selected for the lawn but deserving of your attention and my opprobrium.
1989 Alfa Romeo 164.
Were I a mafia boss, this would be my staff car.
1982 Fiat Strada.
Slightly spoiled by rolling on alloy wheels from the Abarth version, but still a magnificent example of stark Italian Modernism.
1988 Vauxhall Cavalier
Our version of the GM J-car. If you got utterly plastered on a night out in the nineties chances are one of these would be your cab ride home.
1994 Fiat Cinquecento
Early nineties tiddler built in the old 126 factory in Poland. Be still my beating heart.
2002 Fiat Seicento
A curvier reskin of the Cinquecento, but don’t ever have a crash in one.
1989 Proton Black Knight
A UK Proton dealer special edition, of which about 200 were sold. This is the only one left on UK roads and was the Concours winner in 2021. Alright, no need for living on former glory.
2004 MG ZT
MG getting in on the Y2K flip paint aesthetic four years too late. If you look closely you can see they painted the window frames black but left the door handles chrome like the standard Rover 75. What in the name of Lord Stokes’ rotting corpse was that all about?
1982 Matra Murena
Only the French would build a sports coupe with seats for your girlfriend and mistress.
Audi A2
Unable to date this one because it’s on a private plate. These entirely aluminum fuel sippers were built between 2000 and 2005 and reportedly Audi lost money on every single one. One for the design bores, except yours truly.
1988 Seat Marbella Danbury Camper
How the fuck this moves is anybody’s guess.
1990 Nissan Bluebird
Although not the first Japanese car built in Britian the Bluebird was instrumental in proving British workers could build Japanese cars as well as Japan, which given Austin Rover was on strike every other week was something of a minor industrial miracle.
1988 Yugo 45
Torch, why doesn’t yours look or run like this? [Editor’s Note: (sobs softly) – JT]
I’ve taken my usual tongue in cheek attitude here, but of course I loved all these cars and would much rather spend a sunny day looking at everyday stuff like this as opposed to the usual classic car suspects. Another indeterminate 911? Tedious darling. Muscle car with a Marti report? I’d be just as happy with a clone, thanks. This isn’t because I’m now a jaded hack who has seen everything. And it’s not because I’m wistful for a simpler time when as an autistic child I could decipher a model range by simple application of wheel trim knowledge. It’s because everyday cars tell us so much more about the social and economic factors that influenced their design. This part of the market is generally where the real creativity is found, not to mention the sheer variety of technical solutions that were around either. For instance, did you know the top trim level of the ill-fated Talbot Horizon had an LED rev counter? Just like a racing car, except in a shitty late seventies’ family hatch. I didn’t.
The best bit is of course you don’t need a truck full of money to be a part of all this. Although I have seen a few examples of FOTU scene tax online, most of the cars present were only worth a couple of thousand pounds at most. They were all driven to the show as well, which is an ethos I think all Autopians can get behind.
I probably shouldn’t go in the Ferrari next year though.
- A Car Magazine Convinced Me The 1990 Ford Escort Was Trash. Now That I’ve Driven One I’m Here To Defend It From The Classist And Wrongheaded Editors Of The October 1990 Issue Of Autocar
- My Beige-On-Beige Pontiac Aztek Is Here And It Looks Amazing!
- Choose Your Two-Seat Shitbox: Gremlin Vs. Chevette
- World’s Worst Cars Book Redemption: MG Montego
When I lived in the Republic of Georgia for a while, I hitchhiked my way home from school in a Riva that had no back seats and the entire thing was filled with cabbages. Did I have to help him deliver some cabbages on the way? Sure, but it was worth it for the overall experience.
It’s all life’s rich tapestry.
The Rover 25 Streetwise looks like a knock-off first gen Pontiac Vibe to me.
This is awesome and most of these are great…I really want that Alfa 164
I mean all those cars deserve to be there but the 190E in my heart should not be there. At all…
All of a sudden a lot of Top Gear jokes make sense to my American brain.
What happened to all the Fords? Those jelly mould 1.8 litre Sierras and weird looking Escorts. All rusted to nothing I suppose. Good thing too!
I once had a £500 Strada, in grey, not flashy blue, and actually got attached to the thing.
Bit of an adorable mongrel, it was not fast but reasonably comfortable and, strangely much more spacious than the Golfs it was sent out to fight against. So much so that when the fuel tank rusted away, I bought a new one, and put it through the MOT. Two weeks later the head gasket blew…
I scrapped it, and four months later the coppers were at the door asking why it had been abandoned with in Basingstoke, 80 km down the road to London…. Luckily I still had the scrapyard paper work.
A lot rusted away, a lot met an (in)glorious end on banger racing (demolition derby) tracks up and down the country.
If you’d worked on the Remain campaign and got that on the side of a bus, you might still be able to get your dream job on Europe with Borgward or DAF or Panhard or somebody.
But that does look like a fascinating group of automobiles, and it reminds me of my childhood preference for Matchbox cars depicting the most prosaic vehicles on the market.
I always wanted mundane toy cars too. The hero cars need traffic to weave through and jump over, they can’t all be DSs and Lotus Esprits, I need some Ford Sierras and Astramax vans.
Corgi and Matchbox were pretty good at doing everyday stuff by the late seventies. I assume some were done as part of the marketing effort.
Until about 15 years ago I owned and ran a repair shop and sales pitch, These pictures basically form a list of all the cars I worked on and sold, Just cheap, run of the mill stuff. Some of which where very common. We couldn’t buy enough purple Vauxhall Corsas to meet demand, Same goes for the Cavaliers, Fiestas and Mondeos. Worked on a LOT of aircooled VW’s too.
At many shows you see cars you never really saw on the road, There is something nice about a show of cars that where quite common and familiar.
This show is about 50 miles from me and this is the first I am hearing about it. I don’t think anything I have would qualify to show but it would be a nice day out.
You don’t have to have a classic or unexceptional to go (I think in years past this might have been the case). There’s separate parking for normal cars that isn’t part of the show. I too kept missing it every year until a couple of years ago.
Going to this show is 100% on my list. I watched a vid of last year’s (I think) and it is huge. Full of stuff I drove, my mum drove, or our friends had back in the day.
I feel like Jason should do a Venn diagram of cars at this show and cars in his book.
Also, how can the Cinquecento be posted without a “Bus Wanker” comment.
Because I don’t watch downmarket television shows.
But at least enough to understand the reference.
Japan gets a lot of snow, especially on the Asian continent side, so almost all family cars are available with A/4WD. On snow tyres, lightweight AWD cars like the Swift are almost unstoppable.
Yes but that wouldn’t have been funny.
Oof
The Suzuki Swift’s seats just blew my mind. Peak 90s! Love it !!!
The Suzuki Swift was only sold as a Subaru Justy in Europe, from 1994 onward.
In the USA, the Justy was a unique model built by Subaru, and a few are still chugging away out there.
Thank you for posting the Matra! I remember seeing one in Frankfurt in the early-90’s and being amazed by the three across seating. I’ve thought about that car for all these years and never had luck figuring out what it was. It was red with a black interior and was different from all the other cars out there.
I love that Alfa 164! Just needs more walking geese in the background.
Does that Cavalier have a faux-sunroof sticker?
The ’99 Suzuki makes me wish we had more interior pattern options. I wouldn’t necessarily want that specific one, but some character would be nice.
It is always fun when a really well preserved version of a basic transportation car shows up at cars & coffee or some such similar event. Just a bunch of folks gather ’round going “I haven’t seen one of these in years” with a possible “in this condition” thrown in.
I agree, but we can’t even get paint with character these days, let alone fabric.
Similar spirit at the Concours d’Lemons
I’d have been looking for an early Ford Focus Wagon. I loved my MY2000, soon to be eligible!
From memory the 1999 Suzuki Swift was actually a Subaru Justy- not that it makes much of a difference as they were identical. An AWD Swift was much rarer than the Justy at the time and must be in the single digits of survivors by now.
There were a couple of others there as well, including a very late one as they kept making them up until 2002. I had one of the last ones, but it didn’t have the 90s bus interior, they switched to rather grey bucket seats.
It was a great day out, even though I got put in the absolute furthest away parking spot possible!
Torch and I got very confused discussing this in the Slack.
Other way around, the Swift (or Cultus, or Geo Metro, or Chevy Sprint, or…) was first, and Subaru rebadged it.
I meant that the purple one here was badged as a Justy.
Looking at that strippy beige BMW reminds me of a comment that Jeremy Clarkson said about a less expensive Porsche (probably the Cayman). To paraphrase , it’s a car for someone who’s less successful that he hoped he would be.
That’s a good line he probably didn’t write.
While Einsturzende Neubauten is period correct for the 190E Molchat Doma would be perfect for cruising through decaying East German housing estates.
For some others, the Metro was at least fun to drive if you got the 1275cc engine, like the City X I rented in 1986. Also your 88 Cavalier was still better than the 88 Chevrolet Cavalier my girlfriend had.
I was going to say, they use (or used) Metros as grass-root, cheap road-racing platform?
The Brits race anything including riding lawn mowers. I would not be surprised if there was a one make series for Metros at one time