I suspect that lots of you out there are really excited by the idea of seeing the results of an election, since there’s so little of that sort of thing in the news right now. The excitement of voting and seeing the results is a palpable thing, and we get to experience it so rarely, and with such little fanfare, that I bet this will be a real treat for you. We have the results of America’s Only Important Election This Week, the winner of the Pick The Best K-Car. Are you ready?
I mean, you’re not ready, because who really ever is? But that doesn’t matter, because there was a very clear winner here, and I think its one that was deserved. The race was tough, with lots of top-notch K-car derivates running, a field that included some of the flashiest and most extravagant K-cars known to humankind.
And yet, somehow, the winner was one of the most humble and hardworking of the K-cars. One that wasn’t flashy, but was quietly yet incredibly influential. My friends, please welcome the Best of the K-Cars, the Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager!
Amazing! Let’s look at how the election results broke down:
Out of six contenders, the K-based minivans took a whopping 45.07% of the vote, a huge leap ahead of the next closest K-Car, the Chrysler Laser, with 18.01%. This is a decisive victory, friends, and one I hope we can all feel good about.
It’s been too long that we’ve not had a definitive Best K-Car, so I hope this decision brings some much-needed closure and comfort to you all.
Now, let’s celebrate with some classic K-Car ads! Since we’re only talking about the first- and second-generation cars, since those were the ones on the K-derived platform, these are some very early commercials. Besides, the older ones are goofier.
Chrysler tried some pretty straightforward commercials:
…and, for the Plymouth variant, they called upon the person who was the Most Important Person in America at the time, magician Doug Henning:
Even though it’s been erased from most recorded history, for much of the 1980s Doug Henning controlled America via his powerful dark magic. Though dressed in tight rainbow-themed outfits that suggested peace and harmony, the truth was Henning’s total control over America was a terrifying nightmare of illusion and reality-rending.
In this address to the nation, Henning reminds the people under his control that he, and only he, controls the very fabric of reality. Here he sends a subtle message to America’s poultry farmers that he can eliminate their livelihood by conjuring chickens from nowhere:
It’s chilling. Chilling.
Anyway, congratulations to the Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager! These were revolutionary cars that made a colossal impact on the automotive world. Even though they weren’t the first minivans (the 1949 DKW Schnellaster (see below) I think takes the prize there, even beating the Volkswagen Type 2 Microbus to market by a year, and it’s also a FWD design like the later Chrysler minivans) they definitely re-invented the minivan.
Wow, what an amazing day. I’m sure glad these are the only election results I need to deal with; emotionally, I don’t think I’d have the capacity to consider any others.
Can someone please explain to this non-American who is not well-versed in the subtleties of the Chrysler sub-brand positioning:
I demand a recount!
“Grab them by the hood ornaments! They don’t mind a bit!
Except for my wife Malaria. She does not like cars at all. Or being touched…
But I will protect her even if she don’t want me to.”
And much like any other polls you may have heard about lately, this one has little basis in reality either.
I suppose the TC was DQed for having been born in Italy
We should treat this as a primary and vote on 80s minivans next.
As much as I heard it wasn’t great, I’d vote like an uninformed moron and go Aerostar simply for that 5-speed goodness…and find an SHO V6 to stick in it.
Apparently the K-car still loses to the Model T.
I feel like I would much rather daily the K car.
Yeah, the Model T makes a lot more noise and you know it’s gonna be a hard ride. It’s also embarrassing to have to hand-crank it, but there are people who seem willing to do that.
Seems like team Laser/LeBaron were so sure of their superior characteristics, that they under estimated the big fat one..
But thanks for keeping it sober 🙂
Could we do one for the GM J-cars also?
I had a Reliant which was a former Digital Equipment Company (DEC) company car that a friend basically gave me when I was down. It was just fine. Also had a Gen One Voyager which would vapor lock at the drop of a hat.
A better metaphor could not have been found. The Laser(loser) was blatantly, and obviously the best choice. The winner isn’t even a K-car, if we are being honest with ourselves. People thought they were voting for a K-car, but were duped into voting for an absolute turd that ended up existing for a long time, only to fizzle out because there is no appetite for shit like this anymore. I’m surprised the love lasted as long as it did. I’m glad the love died.
I did NOT see any references to the write in candidate, the Lebaron GTS/Lancer Twins. Arguably, the Turbocharged, liftback K-Car champions of the world.
I declare electoral shenanigans.
I learned to drive on my Mom’s then-new ’85 Lancer ES Turbo. Nothing like learning how torque steer works at 14 years old.
There is no good K-car. Not possible.
Of course, this is just the popular vote and it doesn’t count. The electoral college picked the Laser
I appreciate the humor. I’m just not in the mood today.
Hold on now!! 45.07% < 50%!!! More people voted against it than for it, so it hasn’t won yet. We demand a runoff between the top two vote getters! There is no winner until someone gets >50%!!!
If there are only two voting options does the 50%+ rule come into effect, but I like your describing it as “more people voted against it than for it”.
Maybe we should take this sort of perspective in mind when trying to cram certain attempted changes through and realizing that if only a slight majority are in favor, maybe the proposal needs to be changed or dropped.
How I described it is how it works in the US. We just don’t see it happen very often due to the dominance of the 2-party system. In local elections, however, we see runoff elections fairly frequently, especially in mayoral and city council elections where candidates are not limited by party affiliation. If a single candidate does not get 50% of the vote, then there is a runoff between the top two or more candidates that represent >50%.
Accordingly, it would be unAmercan not to hold a runoff between the Laser and Voyager!
By “runoff”, you mean Jason and David racing K-cars at Laguna Seca, right?
I actually want to see this.
That’s the problem with our First Past the Post voting system, we were promised electoral reform, something like ranked ballot!
Now would be a great time to invest in a clean K car for transportation. Far more affordable than modern cars, what with the incoming tariffs that have nothing to do with recent events.
When I was in university, Doug Henning was involved in Canadian politics as part of the Natural Law Party. They had a leader who looked like he was running a cult, and espoused yogic flying. They gave a demonstration at our school, and it was basically guys jumping up and down while seated in a lotus position. Impressive (hey, I couldn’t do it), but not impressive enough to make me vote for them.
They said that if they won, Canada’s crime poverty and deficit would disappear. I assume this would have been Doug’s doing, but I can’t be sure whether it would have been real, or an illusion.
My sense satire is gone, so I looked this up. I’d say I found his post 70’s life odd, but honestly it all tracks.
This was a rigged election. Quite frankly the Laser won this election and it was stolen by horrible, horrible people. The worst. The Laser should’ve never left the garage.
It wouldn’t be Henning without a few chickens.
Ah yes, the almost forgotten craft of chicken conjuration.
Which is significantly different than chicken conjugation, which involves Gonzo from the Muppets.
Also yes, though I was trying to imply something more along the lines of “conjugal visits”.
I believe the term of art is a “mustercluck”