Home » The Only Election Results You’ll See Today! The K-Car Showdown Winner!: Cold Start

The Only Election Results You’ll See Today! The K-Car Showdown Winner!: Cold Start

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I suspect that lots of you out there are really excited by the idea of seeing the results of an election, since there’s so little of that sort of thing in the news right now. The excitement of voting and seeing the results is a palpable thing, and we get to experience it so rarely, and with such little fanfare, that I bet this will be a real treat for you. We have the results of America’s Only Important Election This Week, the winner of  the Pick The Best K-Car. Are you ready?

I mean, you’re not ready, because who really ever is? But that doesn’t matter, because there was a very clear winner here, and I think its one that was deserved. The race was tough, with lots of top-notch K-car derivates running, a field that included some of the flashiest and most extravagant K-cars known to humankind.

Vidframe Min Top
Vidframe Min Bottom

And yet, somehow, the winner was one of the most humble and hardworking of the K-cars. One that wasn’t flashy, but was quietly yet incredibly influential. My friends, please welcome the Best of the K-Cars, the Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager!

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Amazing! Let’s look at how the election results broke down:

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Cs Kcarwinner Results

Out of six contenders, the K-based minivans took a whopping 45.07% of the vote, a huge leap ahead of the next closest K-Car, the Chrysler Laser, with 18.01%. This is a decisive victory, friends, and one I hope we can all feel good about.

It’s been too long that we’ve not had a definitive Best K-Car, so I hope this decision brings some much-needed closure and comfort to you all.

Now, let’s celebrate with some classic K-Car ads! Since we’re only talking about the first- and second-generation cars, since those were the ones on the K-derived platform, these are some very early commercials. Besides, the older ones are goofier.

Chrysler tried some pretty straightforward commercials:

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…and, for the Plymouth variant, they called upon the person who was the Most Important Person in America at the time, magician Doug Henning:

Even though it’s been erased from most recorded history, for much of the 1980s Doug Henning controlled America via his powerful dark magic. Though dressed in tight rainbow-themed outfits that suggested peace and harmony, the truth was Henning’s total control over America was a terrifying nightmare of illusion and reality-rending.

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In this address to the nation, Henning reminds the people under his control that he, and only he, controls the very fabric of reality. Here he sends a subtle message to America’s poultry farmers that he can eliminate their livelihood by conjuring chickens from nowhere:

It’s chilling. Chilling.

Anyway, congratulations to the Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager! These were revolutionary cars that made a colossal impact on the automotive world. Even though they weren’t the first minivans (the 1949 DKW Schnellaster (see below) I think takes the prize there, even beating the Volkswagen Type 2 Microbus to market by a year, and it’s also a FWD design like the later Chrysler minivans) they definitely re-invented the minivan.

 

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Wow, what an amazing day. I’m sure glad these are the only election results I need to deal with; emotionally, I don’t think I’d have the capacity to consider any others.

 

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Cautionary Tail-Light
Cautionary Tail-Light
14 days ago

Can someone please explain to this non-American who is not well-versed in the subtleties of the Chrysler sub-brand positioning:

  • how is it that these cars, identical in almost every respect except for the wood panelling on the Plymouth AFAICT, exist under two different brands?
  • Are we really supposed to think these are not identical under the skin?
  • How can the magician say “only Plymouth can give you the 5/50 warranty” when it’s identical to the warranty on the Dodge?
Lizardman in a human suit
Lizardman in a human suit
15 days ago

I demand a recount!

Col Lingus
Col Lingus
15 days ago

“Grab them by the hood ornaments! They don’t mind a bit!

Except for my wife Malaria. She does not like cars at all. Or being touched…
But I will protect her even if she don’t want me to.”

Ben
Ben
15 days ago

And much like any other polls you may have heard about lately, this one has little basis in reality either.

Anthony Henderson
Anthony Henderson
15 days ago

I suppose the TC was DQed for having been born in Italy

Bob the Hobo
Bob the Hobo
15 days ago

We should treat this as a primary and vote on 80s minivans next.

Comet_65cali
Comet_65cali
15 days ago
Reply to  Bob the Hobo

As much as I heard it wasn’t great, I’d vote like an uninformed moron and go Aerostar simply for that 5-speed goodness…and find an SHO V6 to stick in it.

Last edited 15 days ago by Comet_65cali
Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
15 days ago

Apparently the K-car still loses to the Model T.

Last edited 15 days ago by Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
Danger Ranger
Danger Ranger
15 days ago

I feel like I would much rather daily the K car.

Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
15 days ago
Reply to  Danger Ranger

Yeah, the Model T makes a lot more noise and you know it’s gonna be a hard ride. It’s also embarrassing to have to hand-crank it, but there are people who seem willing to do that.

Last edited 15 days ago by Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
Jakob K's Garage
Jakob K's Garage
15 days ago

Seems like team Laser/LeBaron were so sure of their superior characteristics, that they under estimated the big fat one..

But thanks for keeping it sober 🙂
Could we do one for the GM J-cars also?

Last edited 15 days ago by Jakob K's Garage
Lew Schiller
Lew Schiller
15 days ago

I had a Reliant which was a former Digital Equipment Company (DEC) company car that a friend basically gave me when I was down. It was just fine. Also had a Gen One Voyager which would vapor lock at the drop of a hat.

Parsko
Parsko
15 days ago

A better metaphor could not have been found. The Laser(loser) was blatantly, and obviously the best choice. The winner isn’t even a K-car, if we are being honest with ourselves. People thought they were voting for a K-car, but were duped into voting for an absolute turd that ended up existing for a long time, only to fizzle out because there is no appetite for shit like this anymore. I’m surprised the love lasted as long as it did. I’m glad the love died.

Ffoc01
Ffoc01
15 days ago

I did NOT see any references to the write in candidate, the Lebaron GTS/Lancer Twins. Arguably, the Turbocharged, liftback K-Car champions of the world.

I declare electoral shenanigans.

DialMforMiata
DialMforMiata
15 days ago
Reply to  Ffoc01

I learned to drive on my Mom’s then-new ’85 Lancer ES Turbo. Nothing like learning how torque steer works at 14 years old.

SAABstory
SAABstory
15 days ago

There is no good K-car. Not possible.

Icouldntfindaclevername
Icouldntfindaclevername
15 days ago

Of course, this is just the popular vote and it doesn’t count. The electoral college picked the Laser

Robot Turds
Robot Turds
15 days ago

I appreciate the humor. I’m just not in the mood today.

MaximillianMeen
MaximillianMeen
15 days ago

Hold on now!! 45.07% < 50%!!! More people voted against it than for it, so it hasn’t won yet. We demand a runoff between the top two vote getters! There is no winner until someone gets >50%!!!

Box Rocket
Box Rocket
15 days ago

If there are only two voting options does the 50%+ rule come into effect, but I like your describing it as “more people voted against it than for it”.

Maybe we should take this sort of perspective in mind when trying to cram certain attempted changes through and realizing that if only a slight majority are in favor, maybe the proposal needs to be changed or dropped.

MaximillianMeen
MaximillianMeen
15 days ago
Reply to  Box Rocket

How I described it is how it works in the US. We just don’t see it happen very often due to the dominance of the 2-party system. In local elections, however, we see runoff elections fairly frequently, especially in mayoral and city council elections where candidates are not limited by party affiliation. If a single candidate does not get 50% of the vote, then there is a runoff between the top two or more candidates that represent >50%.

Accordingly, it would be unAmercan not to hold a runoff between the Laser and Voyager!

NC Miata NA
NC Miata NA
15 days ago

By “runoff”, you mean Jason and David racing K-cars at Laguna Seca, right?

Cloud Shouter
Cloud Shouter
15 days ago
Reply to  NC Miata NA

I actually want to see this.

Maymar
Maymar
15 days ago

That’s the problem with our First Past the Post voting system, we were promised electoral reform, something like ranked ballot!

TheDrunkenWrench
TheDrunkenWrench
15 days ago

Now would be a great time to invest in a clean K car for transportation. Far more affordable than modern cars, what with the incoming tariffs that have nothing to do with recent events.

Rollin Hand
Rollin Hand
15 days ago

When I was in university, Doug Henning was involved in Canadian politics as part of the Natural Law Party. They had a leader who looked like he was running a cult, and espoused yogic flying. They gave a demonstration at our school, and it was basically guys jumping up and down while seated in a lotus position. Impressive (hey, I couldn’t do it), but not impressive enough to make me vote for them.

They said that if they won, Canada’s crime poverty and deficit would disappear. I assume this would have been Doug’s doing, but I can’t be sure whether it would have been real, or an illusion.

Black Peter
Black Peter
15 days ago
Reply to  Rollin Hand

My sense satire is gone, so I looked this up. I’d say I found his post 70’s life odd, but honestly it all tracks.

Canopysaurus
Canopysaurus
15 days ago

This was a rigged election. Quite frankly the Laser won this election and it was stolen by horrible, horrible people. The worst. The Laser should’ve never left the garage.

Rad Barchetta
Rad Barchetta
15 days ago

It wouldn’t be Henning without a few chickens.

El Chubbacabra
El Chubbacabra
15 days ago

Ah yes, the almost forgotten craft of chicken conjuration.

Box Rocket
Box Rocket
15 days ago
Reply to  El Chubbacabra

Which is significantly different than chicken conjugation, which involves Gonzo from the Muppets.

Box Rocket
Box Rocket
15 days ago
Reply to  Box Rocket

Also yes, though I was trying to imply something more along the lines of “conjugal visits”.

Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge
15 days ago
Reply to  El Chubbacabra

I believe the term of art is a “mustercluck”

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