I’m told there’s some sort of election happening today? Here in America? I think they’re picking a new set of aldermen or a new comptroller or something like that? I’m not really sure, as I don’t think it’s been getting all that much publicity in the media. Now that I think about it, I may have gotten some fundraising emails from the big political parties. I want to say one are the Whigs, and then there’s the Neo-Monaerchists? Is that right? Seems close enough. Anyway, we decided to have our own little election.
What is our election about? It’s about something deeply, richly American, something important and vital, not like whatever trivial showdown is happening tonight. It’s an election about something that matters: what is the best Chrysler K-car variant to, uh, rule America, I guess?
Yes, K-cars! The front-wheel-drive platform that usually came with an anemic 2.2-liter four-banger (there were exceptions with turbos and a Mitsubishi four, for example) and often with all-I-had-handy-was-a-ruler styling. These cars saved Chrysler from disaster and allowed them to pay off their bankruptcy loans early.
There were a lot of cars built on the K platform or modified versions of the platform, but we just picked six of them – in long, involved primaries, of course – and now you get to vote for which K will Rule Them All. Like that ring in those long-ass movies and books about wizards and elves and smurfs and shit.
So, with that, let’s look at our candidates!
The original, basic K-Car! These came in Dodge and Plymouth flavors, in sedans, two-doors, and wagons, but they were all pretty much the same. I have direct experience with these from back in the day, and I can say from experience that these were, charitably, crap.
But, they were inexpensive crap that looked decent and did their jobs, for the most part, and were not terrible on gas mileage, and that went a long way in early 1980s America.
Sure, I once saw my friend close the driver’s door and a four-inch bolt clanged out onto the pavement, but that doesn’t mean these boxy things weren’t, for Chrysler, the right car at the right time. Because they were.
Was an upmarket K-car possible? Hell yeah it was, and the New Yorker proved it! These cars were on the vanguard of digital dashboards and, yes, their Texas Instruments-supplied voice synthesis systems I really do believe made Americans aware of the usage of the word “ajar,” at least in relation to doors.
The interiors were quite plush, and they had that vinyl quarter-roof, which I don’t recommend you look too carefully at, lest you discover that it was made from a half-assed fiberglass cap glued on back there.
The Chrysler minivans of the 1980s were genuine successes, and were pretty fantastic vehicles – perhaps the best of the K-cars, in some ways. Built on modified K-car platforms, these were marvels of packaging efficiency with their transverse FWD layouts that left pretty much everything from the front axle back available for people or stuff.
A real re-birth of the minivan concept, these were the backbone of American familial transport for years and years.
In some ways, this may be the oddest of the K-cars (not counting the not-exactly K-car Maserati TC by Chrysler) with its convertible top and faux wood-paneled sides. It had to be decades since a non-station wagon dared to wear fake wood before the LeBaron brought it back, and that was a bold move.
What else out there has a look and feel like a woody LeBaron droptop? Hardly anything.
I think the Laser, along with its sibling Dodge Daytona, were pretty bold competitors to other sporty/muscle sort of cars available at the time. Unlike the Mustang or even a Toyota Supra, the Laser was a FWD sporty car, and made about 145 horsepower, pretty decent for the time.
These weren’t especially great, but they weren’t bad, either! And that drop-down side window line is pretty fun, right?
These are pretty amazing limos for a number of reasons: it’s a four-cylinder limo, which is already unusual, though the Mitsubishi-sourced engine under that hood does have hemispherical combustion chambers, so it’s a true hemi.
They’re long, but also oddly narrow, and overall while they do have limosinic proportions, they’re not all that big. And the interiors! They’re absolutely velour-slathered! If you love velour, like, really love velour, you can’t get anything better than one of these velour cocoons.
Okay! Those are your candidates! Each offers their own highly specific set of charms and foibles, like all good political candidates, so you need to carefully consider everything and balance all of that information with the needs of yourself, your family, and, yes, the nation.
It’s time to vote! Take your time! Consider carefully, and remember that your vote is private!
Once you voted, please enjoy this I VOTED sticker you can print out and affix to your clothes with a blot of mustard.
Lebaron, it was the hero car in Freddy got Fingered. And of course the option for a turbo is a policy i can really get behind.
Caravan. I had a 1990 Caravan SE for a few years that I’d gotten free…very low miles for its age, ugly, but ran well. Surprisingly fun to drive, and comfortable to sit in with my bad back. Traded it in on my Tundra, but only because that’s the vehicle I had with me 300 miles from home, instead of the steaming pile of a Neon that I would’ve rather gotten rid of. I’d probably still have that Caravan otherwise.
I went OG K. The only ones I have personal experience with. When I was young and newly married, we had 2 of my parents’ cast off cars. An 87 Aries wagon, red with fake wood, with the Mitsu 4/auto. And my personal favorite, an 84 Plymouth Reliant wagon, gold with the 2.2 and a 4-speed. Almost a brown manual wagon! We were 2 young 20 somethings with no kids, and TWO station wagons!
LeBaron, because it revived the convertible segment. Also because: Planes, Trains & Automobiles. The gauges are melted but the radio is clear as a bell!
I hope you haven’t suffered a stroke or some other memory-impairing event, Torch, because you wrote this very DI-NOC-ulicious post, and the Omnirizon offered the option of several board-feet of the finest synthetic wood through the 1980 model year, only three model years before the LeBaron’s debut. And to make it up to la LeBaron, I’m voting for it, preferably with a turbo in high-suppleocity Mark Cross trim. It was the finest of the downsized land dinghies of the era.
Obviously the best was the original basic K car because it gave birth to all that followed.
Came here to say exactly this. The Aries/Reliant sputtered to life so that the minivan could run.
(Also trying to work through my disappointment that my personal favorite variant, the LeBaron GTS/Lancer, wasn’t on this list)
I loved my ’88 Shelby Daytona, I truly did, but in terms of driving dynamics (if not power) it was bested by a turbo-diesel Jetta from just a few years later. The Caravan and Voyager, however, were a revelation; they were a van that wasn’t based on a big clunky truck, and I have fond memories of loading up with a bunch of friends into one of those to head off on a middle school adventure of some kind.
Ahhh humble pie K cars. VERY hard decision for me having had 4 K derivatives.. 85 Reliant wagon, 86 2.5l Daytona, 87 Shelby Daytona, and 89 Turbo Voyager… coolest is the Daytona. Many Oregon Trail generation youngsters got their 1st taste of sweet torque steer turbo boost behind the wheel of boosted Ks.
However, the Caravan/Voyager really changed the vehicle landscape in the USA from mid 80s into early 00s. Roomy, useful, good visibility, and cheap to run. Van FTW. (I miss my modded turbo van)
Not just the Caravan, but the BEST K-car variant has to be one of the rare turbo, 5spd stick Caravans. Buddy of mine had one for a while, it was a laugh riot. He may have upped the boost a tad. Or more than a tad..
Second place is the Dodge Aries 5spd wagon that my Aunt had. I really rather liked that car as a newly licensed kid. That car with the turbo motor swapped in would be a fun sleeper.
Agree on the van!! What a sleeper! 2.5 was easy to mod and make more power using the intercooler and bigger factory turbo from the Daytona, an extra boost referenced injector before the TB, a manual boost controller, 93 octane go juice, and opened up exhaust. Most stuff could be sourced from the junk yard.
Never had on dyno but that stripped out van would knock off high 13s all day back in the late 90s … not the fastest but surprisingly quick for the time.
K Cars; shitty, just like real politicians!
I wanted to stick with the Laser, since it’s actually kinda cool, but if you’re going K car, go with the stylish convertible!