Good morning, and welcome back to another week of crappy cars for sale! On Friday, I warned you about a car that our own Mercedes Streeter found for sale that was so awful that I would have to hunt high and low to find its equal. Did I succeed? We’ll find out in a minute.
Friday’s runoff had you imagining a future in which gas cars were a novelty, and you had to choose one to buy from an imaginary estate sale. And, wonder of wonders, our emissary to whatever Autopians remain fifty years in the future is… a Dodge Shadow. I can’t tell you how delighted I am.
Yes, I realize it wasn’t the “best,” just the “least bad.” Whatever. I’ll take it. Not that I need validation about my terrible taste in cars, but sometimes it is nice to see that I can, in fact, find something even worse.
Once in a while, however, I come across a car so awful, one that has been so badly mistreated, that it haunts my thoughts. Last week, Mercedes posted a link to what purported to be a Porsche Boxster for sale, posing the question, “Is this the worst Boxster in the world?” Man, I sure hope so. I simply had to show it to you all. I mean, when you were a kid and you found a dead mouse rotting away on the side of the road on your way to school, did you keep it to yourself? Of course not! You showed your friends, so you could all share in the horror.
But what to put up against it? There had to be another once-nice car, rendered useless and hideous by abuse and neglect, worthy of competing against this abomination of a Porsche. I found one, not far from here. And of course, it’s a derelict Jaguar. Here we go.
1999 Porsche Boxster – $1,700
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5 liter overhead cam flat 6, five-speed automatic, RWD
Location: St. Louis, MO
Odometer reading: 105,000 miles
Operational status: Not running, has bad fuel pump
The idea of an “entry level” Porsche has been upsetting to the marque’s snobs ever since the 914. But I’ve always liked Porsche’s cheaper rides, so when the Boxster came out, I was really excited. I got a chance to drive one early on, and thoroughly enjoyed it – even though I was afraid for a minute that I broke it; it was my first experience with traction control. It’s a delightful little car to drive, and I’m actually a little envious of our Canadian pal Thomas Hundal and his screaming-yellow Boxster.
The typical advice when shopping for a classic sports car is “Buy the best one you can afford.” Fixer-uppers almost always cost more in the end than just getting a decent one to begin with. What does that say about this car? If this is the best Porsche Boxster you can afford, you can’t afford a Porsche Boxster. This thing is screwed six ways to Sunday. The exterior is several different colors, the interior is a wasteland, it doesn’t run due to a bad fuel pump, and to make matters worse, it’s an automatic.
And I don’t even want to know what happened to the roof. Is it melted? Was there a fire? Or did someone vandalize it after it became beached in this parking lot alongside an abandoned sofa and a Dumpster? The seller is fantastically unhelpful in explaining this car’s current condition. They only say it has a faulty fuel pump, but a new battery. Fuel pump replacement doesn’t sound too hard on these; it’s accessible under the battery tray. Will that actually fix the problem and put this ugly duckling back on the road? Who knows?
If you could get it going again, what would you do with it? It’s ugly as sin, I’m guessing half the stuff inside doesn’t work, and the trouble with cheap Porsches is that the parts are just as expensive as they are for high-end Porsches. You could just embrace the post-apocalyptic vibe, I suppose.
1983 Jaguar XJ-S HE – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: Overhead valve V8 of unknown displacement, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Molalla, OR
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: Hasn’t run in years
Old Jaguars seem to fall into one of two categories: Fully restored and beautiful, or “ran when parked” a decade or so ago. Dealing in the price range which we do in this column, we aren’t going to see any of the pretty restored ones. Usually I find XJ6 sedans in this condition for this price; an XJ-S coupe is kind of a treat.
Sadly, this particular XJ-S has been deprived of its most intriguing feature: Jaguar’s 5.3 liter “High Efficiency” V12 engine. In its place is a Chevrolet small-block V8 of some sort. The seller has no idea what size or age it is; it has an HEI distributor and a ’70s-style air conditioning compressor, so I’d imagine it’s a 305 or a 350 from the late ’70s. It has some sort of double-pumper four-barrel carb in place of the standard GM Quadrajet, and some snazzy Edelbrock finned valve covers. The seller says it ran when they bought it, but it has been sitting in a barn untouched for several years, so who knows what kind of shape it’s in now?
The condition of the Jaguar bits is even less certain. The interior is a mess; at the very least the front seats will need reupholstering. Clearcoat is flaking off the outside. Oh, and it has a rebuilt title too, for an unknown reason.
The photographs show this car in “as-found” condition, dirt, moss, cobwebs, and all. It’s hard to really assess its condition under all that gunk; a good thorough cleaning would give you a better idea what you’re dealing with. Of course, by then, you’ve already spent your money.
I know a lot of you are going to turn up your nose at both of these, and I expect a lot of calls for a “Neither” option in the poll. But no such luck; just play the silly game and pick one. We’ll look at some less hopeless cars tomorrow.
(Image credits: Craigslist sellers)
ABG, nerds. It’s Boxster time.
I don’t care about the interior electronics if I’m just going to gut out what’s too gross to work and send it.
Normally I’d be with you, but a good gambler knows when to hold ’em, knows when to hold ’em, and knows when to get up and walk away.
That’s the move in this case. Even if you get it running, it’s still a hazardous waste zone with an automatic transmission. There’s no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow of shit.
Neither one is worth the sticker price here. I’m sure if you negotiated that you could get both at a fraction of the pricetag.
But at least the Jag has already been desecrated with the Chevy motor, which would likely prove the cheap and reliable way to move that vehicle once you get it running – at which point you can figure out the aesthetics.
Both of these are pure nightmare fuel.
“Sadly, this particular XJ-S has been deprived of its most intriguing feature: Jaguar’s 5.3 liter “High Efficiency” V12 engine. In its place is a Chevrolet small-block V8 of some sort.”
idk if it had the v12 and was in this sort of shape you’d be likely to swap it anyway.
As the owner of a driver grade Boxster S, it makes me sad to see the state of this one. It must have been near a fire given the rear quarter damage. But it’s a 2.5 automatic, so I don’t feel as bad voting for the Jag. Gimme the GM SB V8.
Nothing good follows the phrase “I bought a Porsche for under 2 grand” except maybe “and we had a blast at LeMons.”
The Jag… man, the XJS is still a gorgeous car… How much are electric conversions running these days? The price must be going down by now, right?
That’s exactly what I was thinking – this Boxster would be a great LeMons car.
The Jag, though, stole my heart, and it’d at least be nice to look at while it sat.
I was tempted to pick the Porsche because it’s lighter and would be easier to get to the junkyard, but in the spirit of the game, the Jaguar wins.
A rebuilt title for either of these won’t matter because you’re never getting your money back out.
Drop another GM motor in the Jag, get it running, and embrace the zombie vibes by half-assing the upholstery as a harlequin pattern in black, red, green and purple. Then do something with the paint job with a rattle-can of matte black, and hand paint skulls, bones and mystic symbols on the outside.
You won’t get any respect 11 months out of the year, but at least it’ll be fun every fall.
I have always loved the XJ-S, but I’d be too tempted to bring it back to stock-appearing and that feels like a fool’s errand. We’ll turn the Boxster into a Lemons racer, and leave the body just the way it is.
You can find plenty with the V12 still in them if you really want to feel pain
Roadkill the Jag. It’ll do the longest burnouts LOL
I’ll buy both for $1,700 and use them as part of the set for my post-apocalypse film. Then I’ll sell them to a paintball range for use as cover and target practice. Neither of these wrecks are worth whatever it will take to get them back on the road.
Good work, I’m going to have nightmares from both of these choices!
Much like voting for president I held my breath and picked the least painful of the two very bad choices and voted Jag. Seriously, that Boxster had to have some sort of fire on the passenger side.
I hate both but if I HAD to choose, I will go Jag. At least I could get the engine running without much effort. Shouldn’t be too hard to construct a rudimentary chassis wiring harness if I had to.
I like a good interior recovery and restoration as much as anyone but I got actual shivers looking at the Jag.
The Porsche is fuuuuuuuuucked. Someone put a lit cigarette down on the soft top, I bet. I wouldn’t touch that with someone else’s 10mm socket.
Jag it is.
If you look at the picture of the passenger rear quarter panel, there appears to be burnt wiring hanging down where the bumper cover would be. I suspect there was an engine fire that contributed to the damage on the soft top.
The rear bumper is melted only on the passenger side. This car had a fire on the passenger side. Not just a cigarette.
The sheer number of bad decisions made on that Porsche made me click on the derelict Jag (which is usually the defaut for worst decision)
Why would someone put a new battery into that Boxster?
Wanted to listen to the radio while they got high.
My college landlady’s son, who lived at home and had no job or license, used sit in an old Ford pickup at the end of the driveway when he wanted to toke up. He’d crank tunes all night and bliss out. The old Ford still ran, so he had heat for the New England winter. I always knew when dawn was approaching because he’d back the truck up the driveway and park by my garage apartment and rev the shit out of the motor before shutting it off and going inside. Don’t know where he got the money for weed, but probably where my rent was spent.
But that would require a radio, which this Boxster doesn’t have.
https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/423161659_7103285756430428_6223111796503315366_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p720x720&_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=369753&_nc_ohc=qn7MEYrNAZIAX9vxdV3&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&cb_e2o_trans=q&oh=00_AfBQJ5Z_LIIytOVEnJZD4bND5i3Je655a4RjYlkA2BTW4A&oe=65BC5E84
If that is what happened here, it gives new meaning to the term “hotboxing.”
Was thinking the same? I guess you could at lease sell the battery when you were parting it out.
Because if that battery was all they needed to prove the engine worked, they’d get a whole lot more for it. In this case, the gamble didn’t pay off.
Thinking I could maybe make some bucks parting out the Porsche, given the inflated prices for Porsche pieces.
This is the correct answer. Both of these are little more than parts cars with hopes and dreams of running again. Unfortunately, the Jag is probably missing the most valuable part you could sell.
You could MAAAAAYBEEEE get either of them running and driving, but what’s the point?
Stripping and scrapping are about all these two are good for.
Agreed. This is why I voted Porsche, the parts are worth more. If after getting into it the car is too far gone for Lemons, it’ll pay for itself with parts.
This was exactly why I picked Porsche. Way easier to sell off the parts for decent money. You’d probably make the purchase price back pretty quickly.
From the pics it looks like someone has already done that.
True, but I wonder how may remaining parts are salvageable. Better get my tetanus shot up to date.
I’ll take the Jag but the best option is to run in the opposite direction. Both options are slightly better than putting all your money in a barrel and setting it on fire.
If you light your money on fire at least it’s over quickly.
If Jeff Bezos bought that Porsche, he’d go broke before he even got to the IMS bearing.
The Jag’s engine swap isn’t as absurd as some would think. It came from the factory with a Turbo Hydra-Matic 400, so SB Chevy motors found their way into a lot of Jags. In 1989 or so, I test-drove an XJ6 with a pretty hot 355 crate motor that probably could run into the 12s.
So give me that Jag, I’d drop a 383 stroker into it and rat-rod the rest.
If the Boxter was a manual, at least it could be made into an acceptable track car. But it even fails that.
I’ll go with the Jag. At least you know you can get a 70’s SBC back into running conditions with a few trips to a junkyard and pocket lint.
That Porsche has seen some kind of fire! The rear bumper is not missing, but melted on the passenger side! That said, it has a decent passenger seat, the original engine and transmission (probably), both headlights, and all four wheels. That puts it above a 1970’s engine with carbs in a Jag with no fancy interior and poor visibility.
“Just needs a fuel pump”
The numerous wires poking out of every nook and cranny of that Boxster tells a very different story. Jag all day every day. at least it has all its body panels.
Jag. These are both basket cases, but I could make the Jag more special with my efforts.
I’m pretty sure I’d be spending way more than the price of a good Boxster to fix that P-car into something I’d want to drive. It’s been on fire. Whether that’s post-parking vandalism or somehow related to the claimed fuel pump issue – who knows. Let’s be honest, if you owned a Porsche and could drive it for the cost of a fuel pump, would you abandon it next to the bedbug sofa? Seller is either clueless or a liar (possibly both).
I’ll take the jag, but just to snag the rear suspension and turn the shell into a time attack car so I can rid us all of the catastrophically bad wiring in those things.
Plus there was never really a good looking racecar built from the xjs in period so it’d be fun to try to build one now.
https://www.roadandtrack.com/car-culture/classic-cars/a23617434/1976-jaguar-xjs-trans-am-race-car-for-sale/
Shit, you beat me by 50 secs!
I’ll be honest I don’t like the half assed box flares on that one, and yes I was aware of it prior to my post. I was thinking more along the lines of an IMSA gto/gte style car, like the full width widebody cougars and olds cutlases in the later 80s and early 90s.
I only had it on my mind because someone mentioned it on a podcast I listened to recently. I am usually a fan of box flares, but don’t fully love the ones on this car. Commit to the box flares or don’t bother.
What?!?!? Check out this late 70’s Trans-Am Jag…
This Jaguar XJ-S Trans Am car turned a housecat into a race winner – Hagerty Media
Look at those green turbofan wheels! The way those meaty tires are stuffed up in the fender wells! A dreamy vision in two shades of green and white!
How much space would be left inside that Jag after a proper rollcage was installed?
Frankly there wouldn’t be a whole lot left of the original car if I built what I thought of years ago. Basically it would be a full widebody silhouette car on a tube chassis.
Gimme the Porsche. It’s Death Kart time.
Even if the Boxster cant be running, at least it would be closer to recouping the cost by selling off parts. Engine alone is work 2k
Even a non-running one?
The Jag isn’t running either. I’ll also bet that the Porsche engine makes more horsepower than whatever that 1970’s Chevy engine has on tap.
Even breaking the engine apart, it goes for about $500 a cylinder head, throttle body is a few hundred, then you’ve got rims and any interior you could salvage. I’d say the electronics are likely shot with that roof being open, but even a good steering wheel is worth a hundred on the market. Not saying it wouldn’t be work.
I’d be scrapping everything out of that Jag. If I kept it as a project, I wouldn’t want any remaining English wiring or a mystery malaise engine.
I ain’t paying $2K for the engine out of that thing!
It’s going to cost as much as a running car to ship. Figure that’s another ~$800. There may still be money in parting it out, but I don’t know enough about Porsche parts pricing.
It looks like running engines from scrap yards here run from $1700~$3000 running and there’s a non-running one for $500.
Fair enough, didn’t think about the shipping. That probably makes getting money back a wash.