I’m not necessarily a fan of torture. I don’t wish for people to stick needles under the fingernails of my enemies, but I have no problem at least inconveniencing them. Putting them into an unpleasant, frustrating environment for a spell would certainly do me good. I’d gladly set them up in a terrible room on the first floor of a hotel in Fort Lauderdale during spring break with a bunch of college students upstairs and an antenna TV that only gets grainy Home Shopping Network. Or, really, anywhere in Fort Lauderdale during spring break.
For me, though, doing semi-torture with motor vehicles is a far more satisfying way to gain vengeance on my adversaries. No, I’m not talking about running them down Maximum Overdrive style; I’m referring to forcing them to drive a car that is pure displeasure.
What would I select for this task? That’s a tough one since there are so many wonderful terrible options out there, but I’m having a hard time finding a better choice than a Chevrolet Chevette Diesel.
The Chevette was already old tech in 1976 when it was released into a world that had things like the VW Rabbit/Golf and Renault 5/Le Car. Those front-wheel-drive subcompacts offered space utilization and driving fun that the rear-drive, live-axle Chevette could only dream of. The little Chevy could have been introduced in the mid to late sixties and it still wouldn’t have been innovative, amusing to operate, or satisfying to own. By the end of the seventies, it was hopelessly dated.
To make this depressing little box more fuel efficient, GM engineers decided to go the route of most companies in the early eighties: they added a diesel engine. It beggars’ belief that one could make a Chevette even less enjoyable to drive, but Chevy found a way. Oddly enough, you could have purchased one of these Shove-Its with a three-speed automatic hooked up to the back of a 51-horsepower oil-burning lump.
Imagine driving a diesel Chevette to a destination a few states away. You know, get on the freeway entrance ramp, floor the gas and BLUHHHHH-BLUHHHH-BLUHHHHHHHHH … then enjoy a never-ending third-gear drone at 54MPH for hours and hours.
To add insult to injury, the car I’d give to my nemesis would be in one of those basically colorless shades that GM had, like a silver/beige with some exotic name such as Antelope Firemist, similar to that four- door below.
To ensure maximum pain, no air conditioning would be specified in this ‘Vette – but it’s not like the car could move under its own power when the A/C compressor kicked in anyway. I’m not totally devoid of heart, so I’d check off the AM radio on the options list so this person I hate can at least listen to talk radio or the same news over and over again, barely audible through the single dash top speaker that is steadily tearing its shitty paper cone as it struggles to out-yell the drone of that godawful motor.
A diesel Chevette truly is a soul-sucking device. Just look at this cabin. At least this one has a glove box door, unlike the bare-bones Scooter model. As always, I love the giant “tachometer-style” gas gauge.
The worst part? The Isuzu diesel under the hood is actually a rather indestructible piece, so your Chevette is built to deliver relentless torture for a long, long time. And with its fuel economy rating of 60 miles per gallon, it’ll be a long stint in the saddle between opportunities to enjoy the sweet relief of standing next to a grimy diesel pump.
How about you? Is there a car that you hate (and possibly even owned) that you’d happily force someone you despise to drive eternally? Let us know!
Moist and cold worn out 1974 VW 1200 standard “sparkäfer” (economy beetle) with the flat windscreen and minimal crhrome, in that boring light blue with black interior. That is really the saddest car I can think of.
Or maybe the russian “Aleko” Simca 1307 rip off? That is one depressing automobile, but I’ve never been in one, so maybe they’re OK?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aleko
It’s difficult to think of a more miserable vehicle than the Chevette. But my pick would be the Chevette Scooter with the gasoline engine and 3-speed automatic. Although it had less noise and vibration than the diesel, it still had plenty! Acceleration was ridiculous even by late 70s and early 80s standards (and they were low). The “Scooter” was the de-contented, most basic version.
Second runner up would be a ’75ish Ford Granada with the 200 Thriftpower Six. It could outrun a Chevette, but just barely. Driving one would be a punishment worse than death.
I’m sure the Yugo GV is the “go to” worst car ever for a lot of people. But they weren’t nearly as bad as the Chevette. Sure quality control was non-existent. But when the steering wheel, gearshift and driver’s seat remained attached, they weren’t unbearable to drive!
Pretty much any malaise-era American car.
Jetta 2.slow with the auto in a climate that requires air conditioning and 4 passengers plus hills, lots of hills.
Trump’s limo, Trump-equipped. The air conditioner doesn’t work and the heat works far too well, while the windows have to remain closed for security reasons but the interior partition can’t be shut. The car is set up for use on the grounds of the Green Bank Observatory, so diesel-powered with no radio but construction that makes the interior a full Faraday cage. Without any way to communicate with the outside world. the former president has an audience of only the driver, as the Secret Service agents sitting on either side have been rigorously trained to let everything he says that’s not immediately relevant. It’s more likely(although by no means assured) that my enemy would be inclined to support him politically, so they would probably last half a hour or so longer than someone opposed to him before they beg the agents to put them out their misery for the love of God, or Satan, or Richard Dawkins, or Stalin, or somebody, please! But, sadly, neither law nor agency policy allows them to do so.
The Chevette is pretty good, but you know what diesels don’t do? Occasionally stall, or vapor-lock in hot weather. You need a nice late-’70s feedback carburetor for that kind of torture. And I can’t think of a better implement for such torture than a ’79 Ford Fairmont, equipped with the 2.3 liter four and a three-speed automatic. Eighty-eight horsepower, 0-60 in “yeah, maybe”, crap handling, lousy build quality, and styling that could have been drawn by a six-year-old (and may have been).
Options? Sure, they can have a few: AM-only radio, velour seats everywhere except the driver’s seat, which would of course be vinyl, and cruise control, because it would be funny to watch them try to use it. I’d make sure the heater was permanently stuck on, but the air conditioning worked perfectly.
As for color, I’m thinking that Ford peanut-butter beige would work. Possibly with “Try And Stop Me, Pigs” in a nice classy font across the rear bumper.
I’m thinking of two well-known public figures here, and a pair of first-year 2003 Chevrolet Aveos.
One would get a hatchback, visibly rusty and beaten-on with at least one mismatched fender or door and one remaining wheelcover because he’s built an entire lifelong brand around projecting wealth and success but his ideas of what looks rich seem to have frozen in the mid-to-late ’80s. Automatic because he probably shouldn’t be driving at all at his age and mental condition so let’s see how long before he makes the classic senior error of confusing Drive and Reverse and then the gas for the brake.
The other would get the original especially toylike sedan to absolutely ruin any sense of cool or coherence the Italdesign lines could offer, condition would be less important but I’m leaning white paint aged enough that it looks dirty even when it’s clean, and manual absolutely everything since he is a major proponent of touchscreening absolutely everything in preparation of automotive autonomy.
I don’t have an enemy, but I do have an ex-wife.
She left with my JDM CRX Si moonroof. Then wrote it off and had to replace it with a UK mk5 Escort.
That felt like justice.
My enemy lives in some very congested city (Manhattan, Paris, London, etc.) and street parking is required. My vehicle of choice to navigate this urban jungle is a 1977 Continental Mark V.
I don’t have any enemies (they cramp my style) but if I did-
A Subaru, 2004-2010, that’s never has it’s timing belt/chain changed, or it’s valve guides done.
My mortal enemy. That rogue. He deserves a Nissan.
The Altimate penalty, yes.
Dammit, now you’ve got me doing it!
The Hyundai Pony. Worst POS I’ve ever driven. But then, what do you expect for a car created by a former director at British Leyland and a bunch of his ex-pat pals? I think these things were stamped out of old soup cans. Instead of a bottle of touch up paint, they came with sandpaper, Bondo, and some rattle can primer. And slow? Heinz ketchup came out of the bottle faster. Snails doubled back to see if you were ok. But they were cheap. Oh, so cheap.
The stripper 1971 AMC Hornet 2-door that was my company car. And they must drive it almost exclusively on farm roads. So many things fell off and broke on that car. For example, the gear selector couldn’t make up its mind; the driver seat back collapsed; slamming the door because the hinges were bent caused the window to shatter inside the door; a leaf spring shackle came unbolted; the glove box wouldn’t stay closed; a lower shock mount broke off the axle; the heater fan squealed…
I’ve got to imagine it has to be something from Cerberus era Chrysler right? My enemy shall be encased in the cheapest plastic. I’ll go with a Caliber, with the CVT, but the CVT magically never breaks so they must drive it forever.
I can make qualifiers like that, right?
My worst enemy is deep in debt and always working on the next scam or hustle, so he gets to drive something prone to break down and extremely expensive to gas up and maintain.
Mid-70s Rolls Royce, perhaps.
May as well stick them in a Vega
I’m gonna give them an amalgamation of Mercedes parts so they feel classy.
A w100 Mercedes, the 600 Pullman. The peak of opulence.
However, I’m taking out the 6.3L and replacing it with the OM615 2.0L naturally aspirated diesel.
The engine made all of 54hp on a good day, and would be mated to the power-robbing 4-speed auto.
The Pullman is 20ft long and clocks in at over 7200lbs, so best of luck with parking or getting up to speed with the V8 gasser gearing in the rear.
Kick on that A/C to really get the party started.
As a bonus, they’re known to be cost-prohibitive in maintenance and repair.
My purchased-new 1999 Dodge Dakota with the 5MT that was adequate, most of the time…except when the truck with throw itself randomly out of 1st gear under initial acceleration. Now, if this happened frequently enough that the dealer would have replaced the trans then there’s no issue. It happened just enough to have to literally hold the shifter in 1st every…single…time…but not enough to get it Lemon Law’d out of my life and never when I took it to the dealer to complain.
Ford Craptour or Mercury Mistake.
You think you hate it now? Wait ’till you drive it!
A Contour!? Can I be your enemy?
I bought one new in ’97. V6, stick, SE. Biggest POS I EVER owned. Went to a lemon law attorney and when he looked at the binder full of claims (over 85 days in the shop) he made one call to Ford and they bought me out of it. There’s a reason you never see them anymore. Don’t believe the hype!
I wasn’t aware of too much hype, lol. But I irrationally love the Contour, just do.
I don’t doubt your experience with yours though.
It was a Car & Driver 10Best 1995-97, and generally liked by all the auto rags, so there was some hype. I had a ’99 Mystique V6 5-speed and thoroughly enjoyed my time with it. Back seat was a bit tight, but it drove very nicely and never gave me any problems.