I’m not necessarily a fan of torture. I don’t wish for people to stick needles under the fingernails of my enemies, but I have no problem at least inconveniencing them. Putting them into an unpleasant, frustrating environment for a spell would certainly do me good. I’d gladly set them up in a terrible room on the first floor of a hotel in Fort Lauderdale during spring break with a bunch of college students upstairs and an antenna TV that only gets grainy Home Shopping Network. Or, really, anywhere in Fort Lauderdale during spring break.
For me, though, doing semi-torture with motor vehicles is a far more satisfying way to gain vengeance on my adversaries. No, I’m not talking about running them down Maximum Overdrive style; I’m referring to forcing them to drive a car that is pure displeasure.
What would I select for this task? That’s a tough one since there are so many wonderful terrible options out there, but I’m having a hard time finding a better choice than a Chevrolet Chevette Diesel.
The Chevette was already old tech in 1976 when it was released into a world that had things like the VW Rabbit/Golf and Renault 5/Le Car. Those front-wheel-drive subcompacts offered space utilization and driving fun that the rear-drive, live-axle Chevette could only dream of. The little Chevy could have been introduced in the mid to late sixties and it still wouldn’t have been innovative, amusing to operate, or satisfying to own. By the end of the seventies, it was hopelessly dated.
To make this depressing little box more fuel efficient, GM engineers decided to go the route of most companies in the early eighties: they added a diesel engine. It beggars’ belief that one could make a Chevette even less enjoyable to drive, but Chevy found a way. Oddly enough, you could have purchased one of these Shove-Its with a three-speed automatic hooked up to the back of a 51-horsepower oil-burning lump.
Imagine driving a diesel Chevette to a destination a few states away. You know, get on the freeway entrance ramp, floor the gas and BLUHHHHH-BLUHHHH-BLUHHHHHHHHH … then enjoy a never-ending third-gear drone at 54MPH for hours and hours.
To add insult to injury, the car I’d give to my nemesis would be in one of those basically colorless shades that GM had, like a silver/beige with some exotic name such as Antelope Firemist, similar to that four- door below.
To ensure maximum pain, no air conditioning would be specified in this ‘Vette – but it’s not like the car could move under its own power when the A/C compressor kicked in anyway. I’m not totally devoid of heart, so I’d check off the AM radio on the options list so this person I hate can at least listen to talk radio or the same news over and over again, barely audible through the single dash top speaker that is steadily tearing its shitty paper cone as it struggles to out-yell the drone of that godawful motor.
A diesel Chevette truly is a soul-sucking device. Just look at this cabin. At least this one has a glove box door, unlike the bare-bones Scooter model. As always, I love the giant “tachometer-style” gas gauge.
The worst part? The Isuzu diesel under the hood is actually a rather indestructible piece, so your Chevette is built to deliver relentless torture for a long, long time. And with its fuel economy rating of 60 miles per gallon, it’ll be a long stint in the saddle between opportunities to enjoy the sweet relief of standing next to a grimy diesel pump.
How about you? Is there a car that you hate (and possibly even owned) that you’d happily force someone you despise to drive eternally? Let us know!
My WORST enemy?
A Tesla Roadster (because that’s the only car that’s also a certified spaceship now, right?) falling into the event horizon of a black hole with tidal forces juuust gentle enough to appear to me on the outside that my worst enemy is spending eternity on a time dilated rack.
Buuuaahhaaa!!!
This exact diesel chevette was my car for a while in high school…. passed down from my older sisters. That thing could sometimes get to highway speed if you tried hard enough. It also had no weight over the rear end, so it would spin out if you even thought about taking a corner in the rain. Good times. It at least taught me some wiring so that I could get a car radio with a tape deck grafted into it with a single speaker sitting between the seats.
Any Honda product with manual only seats (2021 Accord LX will work): pre-notched seat back positions where the position sought is not permitted and resides between two points that Honda chose, narrow, overly side-bolstered and short seat bottom that forbids overall high seating coupled with a lower rear portion.
This choice works well for individuals of normal BMI so imagine the added benefit if your enemy is large or “big.”
Consign your enemy to a drive of about 30 minutes or more (do not permit use of a $20 Amazon seat cushion to make the drive tolerable), and hip and/or backpain should ensue. Correct, you don’t need those needles . . .
Of all of the cars I have driven, probably a new 1980 Subaru hatch coupe…4 speed manual, AM radio. Delivered it from NH to Denver. The speaker blew at 35 miles in. A torturous but uneventful ride.
The second generation Honda Insight was the most miserable car I’ve ever driven. It looked like a Prius, but they’d just gotten all of the details wrong – the seats were awful, the ergonomics sucked, the steering wandered, the engine was criminally underpowered, and the car’s regen system fought you every step of the way. It was like a Prius from the Mirror Universe. I expected the car to have a goatee.
Hey, quit dissing my cars. I loved my Chevette Diesel with it’s aftermarket a/c. It was fun to drive cross country and got great mpg to boot. It was always fun to put in first gear, let the clutch out, with no gas, and that engine had enough torque to run down the road. And then you pick on my other cars, Pinto station wagon manual , Mustang II MPG manual no a/c or radio ,Fairmont Station wagon manual no a/c. Well the a/c known as 55 x 2. At least Mercedes likes my IQ.
Any GM X-Body from the early 80s. My sister had an 82 Buick Skylark and it was the poster child for a lemon. It would stop running for no reason (assuming it started at all) had extremely poor build quality and the driving characteristics of a potato with wheels. If someone in the day offered me one for free I would have bought a bicycle instead to do my 30 mile commute.
Moskvich 401. A copy of 1930s Opel just made worse by Soviet build quality. I’m pretty sure keeping it going would be much bigger pain in the ass than just walking. And even if it worked I’m sure walking would still be prefereable option in many situations.
1998 Pontiac sunfire
Did she cheat on you with your neighbour Kyle?
Anyway, at least she woke up with no copper wiring in her walls
If they’re over 6’3″ a Miata.
Both excruciating pain and the frustration that comes with being at the wheel of one of the most fun cars yet being unable to enjoy it.
Damn, you’re evil…
Renault Modus.
High CoG but non off roading capability.
Wheezy engines.
Soulless steering.
Plastic feeling tranny.
Cheap interior.
No charm whatsoever.
Looks boring AF.
My vote is a 1906 Stanley Steamer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Me8b0ed59s&ab_channel=JayLeno%27sGarage
Impractical and dangerous.
Dodge Caliber. Oh, sure it looks cool from the outside. Then you get in and realize that somehow the designers crowded all the interior space with cheap plastic crap and there’s barely any cargo room. Under-powered, with a lame transmission, driving this car feels like punishment. It’s loud and slow, and handles like shit. I rented one ONCE, and the entire time I kept saying to myself, “I would never, ever buy one of these”.
Edit: Oh, and I forgot to mention terrible sightlines, with large blind spots and a back window you can barely see out of.
I had one of these as a work car. I chose to go back into the office rather than stay in the field just get out of it.
There was an article on the old site called “Dodge Caliber: the physical manifestation of the decline of American industry.” They were so right.
I drove one for about 500 yards once. Even in that short distance, it made a huge impression as one of the most miserable cars I’d ever driven. It made my Marrix XRS feel like a Ferrari 360.
My initial reaction was the Chevette Scooter, the super stripped version with no back seat, but a diesel Chevette would be pretty terrible. I think a base spec Tesla Cybertruck could be both embarrassing and frustrating, or a Zap Xebra. These three wheeled electric eggs were so underpowered you had to turn of the fan on hills
Dodge Omni.
(not the good one)
This, or the Plymouth Horizon version.
Alternatively a 2024 Ford Explorer XLT I recently drove.
A true farm field truck on the Autobahn.
Yugo. The answer is always Yugo.
A Yugo is amusing, but mostly because you know for certain it’s the the worst car sold in the US in the last 50 years.
It says a lot that a Yugo with an automatic and air conditioning is far worse than a five speed without AC.
The A/C equipped Yugo had an option for a beverage holder that was cooled and held two beverages. If I had to drive a Yugo as my daily, both of those beverages might be straight Absinthe.
I would say a 1976 Plymouth Volare with a manual transmission, except I doubt that any are left. I bought one new and had so many problems in four years that I can’t believe that any of them are still running after 48+ years.
I saw one for sale not too long ago in an ad! Plymouth Volare Roadrunner, even. Bright orange. I was extremely tempted to buy it, but didn’t (and still don’t) have the $12,000 the guy was asking for. The thing didn’t even have the requisite Aspen/Volare burn marks in the engine bay, so it must’ve been restored recently.
Any fussy, broken, complicated, high mileage German machine.
My enemy won’t get anywhere! Mwahahaha!
A first-year (2005) Chrysler 300 with the sludge-prone 2.7L and Ultradrive, since he appears to like the Temu Chrysler 300 – I mean the Aurus Senat – and sometimes even gifts them to his buddies. It is a six-door funeral home limo conversion and has a “presidential edition” landau roof, since after all, he is the president of his country. The TIPM has a leak that lets in dust and road salt from Russian roads, which guarantees constant intermittent electrical problems and prevents him from making longer trips, if engine sludge, timing chain problems, or transmission problems don’t at first.
A 2nd generation, 2015 or so Lincoln MKX. I have to drive one of these about six times a year because of relatives. 1) Ride is abysmal. I mean, it rides like the rear shocks are frozen. Took it to the dealer, they checked it out, said it’s all good. For comparison, I drove a Jeep YJ on the streets of LA for years without complaint. 2) Ergonomics. The transmission selector is a series of large buttons running vertically down the left side of the infotainment stack. You can’t do it by feel. So to go from reverse to forward when you’re pulling out of a parking spot, you have to stop, find the button, press it. Now you’re allowed to change direction. 3) Ugly, slow, bad gas mileage.
My mom told me she had a used chevette as her first car in 87. It was rusted so bad it had holes in the floor and she could see the road as she drove. She had it for a year before someone stole the wheels and radio and left it on cinder blocks in Jersey.
My mom said had one around the same time that couldn’t climb steep hills, especially if the engine was cold. As in one winter day it just came to a stop on a hill.
Any car not built with the must-have Jatco Xtronic CVT. What a miserable driving experience, having to deal with shifting gears, needlessly reduced fuel economy, and knowing you’re not getting the best power out of your engine as you could be. Worst of all, you won’t be able to rely on the lifetime CVT fluid to make repairs as easy as doing nothing!
The 1988 Eagle Premier ES with the insane electrical system that we owned and tried to lemon-law. And failed because all the cars problems were my “imagination”. Including the multiple times the batteries went dead, the dash went dark and the lights all went out on the interstate. At night. If I could find one now I’d buy it and torch it!
Don’t have a nemesis I know of.
If I did, I think I would wave The Bishop’s magic wand to inflict them (the nemesis, not The Bishop) with a Cybertruck. Or anything with the Oldsmobile 350 diesel. If that’s too far back, how about a 2000-ish Mercedes-Benz ML. The malfunctioning HVAC controls, which seem to be endemic for that model, would induce madness.