Yesterday, and I can’t exactly remember why it happened, we ended up talking about the Chevrolet Chevette, especially the ultra-base model Chevette Scooter. I found myself getting into a real Chevette-hole, trying to find pictures of just how austere and punishing that entry-est level of Chevettes was, with its absent rear seat and armrest-free door cards and rubber mats on the doors, carpet just a glorious, decadent dream. The best place for those pictures, by the way, is this 1977 Car and Driver review. More importantly, though, is this fact: I started to want one of these miserable things.
The Chevette, even in its most lavish versions, was a primitive, cramped hunk of crap, to put it generously. Its RWD drivetrain was last-generation’s tech in an increasingly FWD world, just shrunk down and crammed into a hatchback. The build quality was often on the level of how on-model your average superhero-based popsicle is, and the car really didn’t offer any especially clever or compelling details.
And yet, somehow, this sad little thing has some strange charm I found myself drawn to. I remember carpooling in high school with my friend Emily, listening to Camper Van Beethoven in her white Chevette, and those are good memories! That car wasn’t too bad, right?
So, yeah, somehow I tricked my brain into kind of wanting a Chevette Scooter. There must be crap cars that you, dear, sexy readers, have somehow found yourself desiring, against all better judgment, right? Cars that you never really thought were especially interesting or appealing or, hell, even good, that somehow hijack your desire?
Tell us about them! Spill your guts! We’re here to commiserate, or describe something even worse!
I planted the Chevette seed by dropping a picture of the psychedelic seat trim of one I found while research the next Damn Good Design.
Mwuahahahahaha! *twirls moustache*
yes! that was how it happened!
I would love to own a SHERP. Terrible for driving on roads etc, and bouncy as all get out, but it would make me smile.
I drove a friend’s OG Fiat Panda in Italy not too long ago. I was a miserable econobox: no tach, no trim on most of the interior, anemic engine, rattly, noisy.
I desperately want one. It is so cheap and basic, there a purity to it. Plus, it being Italian is bound to bring it’s lot of mechanical headaches, so it’s a really bad bad bad idea.
People claim the Amphicar is a bad boat and a bad car. I need it.
I would love a Trabant, too. Trabi me up. Heck, Eastern Bloc weirdos in general: gimme. A Wartburg would rule, too.
A Tatra is like, the dream, but I don’t consider those bad. Same goes with the classic boxy Ladas and Lad-alikes. Those Ladas are tough as snot.
I would also LOVE a Jet Electrica. Jet was Austin’s original EV company—from Austin. Astro-Herb moving here so he can exploit his workforce harder can’t claim that. Anyway, they did electric conversions of Plymouths and such in the ’70s, and they’re just as slow as you’d expect.
Oooh a Trabant! I knew I missed one in my earlier comment.
My time to shine!
I owned a Chevette for over a year and I would give anything to have it back. Sure the seat never stayed in place, sure the exhaust manifold liked to break off the exhaust tubing, sure it backfired like a Chicago Typewriter on cold mornings, but I loved it. That little car made it everywhere, it did everything, and it was a handsome little RWD runabout. I even paid money for original engineering drawings for the engine design!
I also love the 1984 Fiero. The crap one, with the notchback and Iron Duke. 4 speed Isuzu transmission to roll around in while blasting Queen from a tape deck. Give it to me now!
Also, anything AMC is awesome. End of story.
I haven’t seen ‘Chicago Typewriter’ in decades!
As someone who loves malaise era cars (I wasn’t alive to see them being new AND crappy, I’m a younger guy) I have a huge list. But I’ll pare it down to my top cars.
1. 1978 Chrysler New Yorker. The one with those beautiful hidden headlights and waterfall grill. I’ve heard bad things about the production quality of these, and a lot of people think they are crap (I don’t.) imo they are great looking. Dream car
2. An Omnirizon. Simple as can be
3. Plymouth Turismo. Gutless engines? Yes. Cool looking? Yes. Once again, very debatable 🙂
4. Plymouth Volare or an Aspen. Preferably a Volare. There’s a nice rust free example near me actually…
5. Late 70s, pre panther body Mercury Grand Marquis. I really like land yachts.
I really want a New Yorker…the Grandma Keith, I mean Grand Marquis would be fun too…not much into Ford but I do REALLY want a 79 Lincoln Mark V
Im huge into the 76-78 New Yorker as well as its Imperial cousin. One with the same color scheme as Mr. Lahey’s would be awesome! The lean burn junk seems like it could be a nightmare though. Not as huge into the subsequent R-body New Yorker, which I think was actually featured in an article here. I also really like the Mark V- opera windows really drive home the 70s broughamage.
My parents’ 1977 Ford Granada, tan, 2-door, with a straight-6 engine and 4-speed manual. I thought that was going to be my first car before my dad sold it after buying a new 1992 Chevy S-10 pickup. I was so mad at him for doing that; I had spent hours looking through JC Whitney and Crutchfield catalogs dreaming about how I was going to make that car my own. Of course by the time dad sold it the body was rusted out, the exhaust was missing a few pieces and the driver’s window could only be rolled up partway before you had to pull it up the rest of the way with your hands, but I figured that glorious heap was going to be all mine.
I saw a brown 2-door for sale up in Oklahoma on Facebook marketplace. Something like 1000 dollars but no title. Seemed to be in reasonable condition though some rust and bondo was present.
not sure my wife or teenage daughter would be very happy with me if they came home one day to a brown Granada sitting in the driveway at this point. They’ve see old family pics with the original Granada and thought it looks like a POS. Can’t remember if they’ve seen pics of the avocado-green Ford Pinto my parents had before the Granada…
I really want my first car back. 1984 Subaru GL. Not sure if it totally counts as a crap car because mine had 4-wheel-drive and the digital dashboard. But it was also powerless.
GLs rule! I had a bunch of different EA-81s & -82s and still miss them. Objectively, I know they were death-in-a-very-thin-can, but you could throw them about with abandon, and they were surprisingly capable off-pavement. 3rd gear in 4LO was a lot of fun on local fire roads
My mom had a Chevette back in high school, apparently if you didn’t warm it up in the winter, it would struggle to climb hills that even my 1972 Super Beetle would have no trouble climbing.
For me, I’d love to have a Geo Metro. I’ve driven one and it was a genuinely fun little car, felt like driving a go kart. And it would be fun to have some giant Malaise era sedan as well, something enormous with big cushy seats and suspension so soft it may as well have been made of jello.
As an aside, it’s fascinating to me that there was a time–in fact, most of the time cars have been with us–that you could buy a brand new car that just fucking sucked. I was born in 1993 so by the time I was driving, most new cars were at least decent. I definitely think there’s some truth in the statement that there aren’t any truly “bad” new cars today. They may have faults for sure, especially if you pile on the miles, but it’s nothing like the stories I’ve heard of car buying pre 1990 or so. Even the Mitsubishi Mirage, arguably the “worst” car on sale in the US today has Bluetooth, air conditioning, an automatic transmission, power windows, carpet, etc. not to mention a solid warranty.
First choice, Lada Niva, second choice Daihatsu midget.
Mustang II, I don’t really think it was too much of a pile of crap, but it is so underrated.
Two words: Leata Cabalero
YES
The most hated on car I want is a Skoda Estelle coupe. The rear engined Skodas were the butt of a lot of jokes but were successful rally cars
I kept trying to think of one I’d actually want and it is a car I used to own: 1986 Pontiac Sunbird (It’s a Sunbird so it counts) I really like that car because it looked like a poor man’s TransAm because it had the point on the hood and it was a 2 door. It was a hatchback and it was black…it also had fog lights in the front. I used it a long time ago when I delivered pizzas in the snow and it did good…I miss that car
MG Midget, chrome bumper version
That’s a whole long list of vintage European sports and GT cars and a few wagons, but even though they might be crap, they’re not generally perceived as crap, so I’ll go with FWD ’83-84 Subaru GL hardtop with a stick or late ’77-’79s aeroback Caprice Classic.
I had enough experience with my siblings owning Chevettes to never want to own one… at least not in stock form.
HOWEVER… A Chevette with a GM 2.8L or 4.3L V6 from a Chevy S10, upgraded brakes and upgraded suspension? That might be interesting. Also apparently GM actually considered making the 2.8L V6 an option on the Chevette but decided not to.
But if I was to pick a fun crap car for myself, I think I’d want a VW type 1 Superbeetle with a hopped up engine 1776cc engine that can still run on 87 octane as described here:
https://www.thesamba.com/vw/forum/viewtopic.php?t=389126
If I had a garage to park in, I’d already have an AMC Eagle.
I was gonna mention that one since some people think they weren’t good…yeah, of course it had problems but I didn’t mention it because it was an awesome car that I want…my brother used to have 2 of them
Well, I own a ’64 Corvair as it is and that fits a lot of people’s definition, not just Mr. Nader, but I find it frankly delightful to drive and surprisingly comfortable.
As far as others, I would really love to have a Reliant Rialto, one of the poster children for crap cars, but I love the complete dedication to being both as economical and as durable as possible, there’s a purity and honesty to the design that appeals. Double wall fiberglass body, galvanized steel chassis, aluminum engine, ca 60mpg from a basic carburetored 4 cylinder, and only 3 wheels. Alternatively, I’d accept a final generation Regal saloon with the wacky reverse rake rear windscreen. Somehow none of the three Robin models really appeals to me though
Want a Suzuki Samurai 4X4
Not that I want to own one now but the Chevette story reminds me of the bare bones but grandma clean ’76 Ford Fairmont a buddy bought back in college (’03ish) with the straight 6 and what has to have been incredibly rare floor shifted 4 speed. Not a fast or good handling car but it was weirdly charming to drive around-not least the weirdness of driving what looked like a 3/4 scale ’70s American sedan that was a stick felt so sleeper cool.
That genuinely sounds fun
It really was-just such an unique driving experience. I was bummed when it blew a head gasket on him a year or two later.
What displacement are those sixes?
had to look that up I didn’t remember-200 CID or 3.0 liters per Wikipedia-whopping 90 hp in typical malaise fashion. Also per Wikipedia the 4 speed manual wasn’t offered until 1979-so I either misremembered the year (more likely) or how many gears the transmission had.
200 cubes would have a decent bit of torque even at 90hp… especially in a six… imagine if that could have been let breathe… drop a 250 crossflow head on it and watch it go (I assume it’s in the same family as the Falcon six and the legendary 300)
And yeah it wasn’t a total turd just not straight line exciting in the typical sense-especially being a stick probably helped with that. I imagine it was the same engine family as the 300 CID six but don’t know. Would’ve been a fun weird car to hot rod some-since I didn’t know as much at the time i joked with him about dropping a 302 v8 in it but a i6 of some kind would be a lot more interesting.
I have seen a fairmont wagon with a 600hp (from memory) turbo 300 six in it… that is sort of what I was going off… I didn’t know they even came with an inline six… I guess I just never really knew what to expect for base powerplants in American iron of that era…
If it’s in that family a Barra would fit… I’m pretty sure they used the same block machining jigs as the original Falcon six from the US… that’d be a fun little street machine
My dad had a dark blue 1985 Toyota Camry with a 5-speed that was my favorite of his cars growing up and I would love to have one. Boxy lines like a 90’s Volvo and dead nuts reliable. I was sad when he replaced it with a white 1989 4 cylinder/5MT Camry. Not a crap car at all but never see any of that generation on the road anymore, even in sunny salt free California.
My childhood best friends dad had one of those he inherited with like 200K on it, I think they finally put it out to pasture with something like 325K-had some bad underbody rust thanks to spending the first half of its life in Minnesota but it kept trucking. My memory is they finally put it out to pasture because it was overheating on long drives due to a leaky head gasket plus I think the brake lines were starting to rust out. Definitely a low key great car in its quiet competence.
He used it to do a 125 mile round trip commute and it never let him down or left him stranded. This was a huge improvement over his previous car, a butter yellow 1965 Mercury Comet with a Thriftpower 6, a 4 MT, and vestigial tail fins! Although I wouldn’t mind one of those either!
Oh man that’s a great looking car-I love the mid ’60s Comets.
The people that I know that had Chevettes could not be paid to own one again.
For me a 75 tp 87 Charger as it so far from the original it would be worth a laugh.
Some of the cars I’d like to own aren’t really crap I guess? But they probably don’t have hoards of people championing their return.
Pontiac Aztek
Ford Contour (yeah that’s right)
Toyota Yaris 3-Door
Dodge Omni (I can’t understand why I like Omnis so much. I want a silver one with a red-everything interior)
Oldsmobile Alero (I always liked these even though the taillights make me laugh)
Dodge Neon (but only a coupe and only in green)
Mazda Protege Hatchback (can I get one with rustproofing?)
I hear that a Chevette Scooter with a V6 can be pretty fun. Say combine a V6 5 speed Camaro drivetrain and a Scooter.
I’d give a pre facelift pinto wagon a home
Or any Citroen if there was a parts place nearby.