Good morning, and welcome to the Thursday edition of Shitbox Showdown! Today we’re taking a look at two cars that used to be so common that I’m willing to bet collisions between them occurred on a weekly basis, but are all but exitnct now. We’ll look at the final tally of our engine twinsies from yesterday, and then dive in.
Well, that looks pretty decisive. The GMC takes it. Must be the two-tone paint; always bet on red and black. Or something like that. I wouldn’t know; I don’t gamble much.
And yes, I may have understated the GM 2.8 V6 engine’s shortcomings. I try to keep a positive tone here, in part to counteract the “shitbox” title, but also to remind myself and everyone else what an enormous undertaking it is to bring any car to market. Someone somewhere in the halls of General Motors’s design offices in the late ’70s was really proud of that motor, and I don’t feel it’s right to be outright dismissive of it or any other automotive design. But I did appreciate the colorful invective some commenters used to express their feelings toward it (Sasha Grey? Really?).
Moving on: A week or two ago, David tipped me off to a Facebook group called Underappreciated Survivors For Sale. I’m not generally a fan of Facebook, because too often it seems like The Blob: a big mindless force bent on devouring, well, everything. But with a group title like that, I had to check it out. Many of the cars posted are grossly overpriced, and some are clearly trying to cash in on the ’80s nostalgia wave, which to me says they’re not really “underappreciated” at all.
However, I did find two humble, inexpensive, everyday cars listed there. Both fit Jason’s definition of a “Ghost Car:” if you were around in the ’80s, there was probably at least one of each on your block, but when was the last time you saw one of either? Even here in the Land That Rust Forgot, these are a rare sight. Let’s take a look and see which one is more worthy of consideration today.
1987 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera – $1,500
Engine/drivetrain: 2.8 liter V6, 4 speed automatic, FWD
Location: Denver, CO
Odometer reading: 33,000 miles
Runs/drives? Your guess is as good as mine
“1987 Cutlass Sierra (sic) for 1500/obo.” That is the entirety of the listing for this car, to save you the trouble of clicking on the link. Someone needs to tell the seller that Craigslist doesn’t charge by the word, I think. Luckily, they did post the VIN, so thanks to AutoZone’s handy VIN decoder, I was able to find out which of the several available engines powers this Ciera. I’m sorry to report that it’s another 2.8 liter V6. But at least this one is fuel-injected. Hey, it could be worse: Olds inflicted a 4.3 liter diesel V6 on some earlier Cieras.
Regardless of engine, these front wheel drive A-body cars from GM have a decent reputation. They sure sold like hotcakes. You couldn’t throw a rock in the late ’80s without hitting a Cutlass Ciera, Buick Century, Chevy Celebrity, or Pontiac 6000 (Kids: Don’t throw rocks at cars). And they stuck around a long time, but the last ten years have thinned their ranks significantly, to the point where seeing one in this condition is a rarity, especially the early squared-off roofline like this.
The mileage listed, and shown in the photos, is 33,315. It’s only a five-digit odometer, so there’s no way of telling whether that has gone around once already. The overall condition indicates that it could be original, but that’s a lot of wear on the brake pedal pad for only 33,000 miles.
Assuming it runs and drives well, for fifteen hundred bucks, this car feels like a good deal to me. Hell, I’d drive it. It’s not stylish, or fast, but it’s comfortable, and there’s a no-bullshit earnestness to it that is lacking in today’s car market.
1987 Ford Escort GL – $500
Engine/drivetrain: 1.9 liter inline 4, 3 speed automatic, FWD
Location: Elmhurst, IL
Odometer reading: 69,000 miles
Runs/drives? Runs, but not drivable until some things are fixed
Any British car enthusiast will take one look at this car and tell you that that’s not a Ford Escort. It’s an imitation, an impostor, a pretender. Real Escorts were delightful rear-wheel-drive confections that everyone east of the Atlantic got to enjoy while we Americans lived through the Pinto years. In 1981, we got the name, engine, and basic appearance of the then-new FWD Escort, but little else.
US-market Escorts may not have been the equal of their European counterparts, but they weren’t horrible little cars. And like the Oldsmobile, they were absolutely everywhere. I knew half a dozen people in high school who drove an Escort, and at least as many in college. They were cheap, economical, reasonably well put-together, and practical. Every Escort of this generation was either a hatchback or a wagon, and either shape would swallow more cargo than you’d guess.
This slightly later Escort is a double-edged sword, equipment-wise: it has the throttle-body fuel injected version of Ford’s CVH four-cylinder engine – giving it way better starting and drivability than the earlier carbureted version – but it’s also new enough to have those annoying motorized seat belts. It’s the better-looking two door body style, but it’s an automatic. Compromises must be made, I suppose, at this price point.
The seller has tuned this little engine up, and it runs well, but the car has rusty brake lines that need replacing, and an inoperative cooling fan that will have to be sorted out. But the rest of it doesn’t look too rusty other than a hole at the bottom of one door, and they’re only asking $500 for it as it sits, so a little time and money getting it roadworthy again might be well-spent.
Survivors? Looks like. Under-appreciated? Well, I guess that depends on how much appreciation you think they deserve. I tend to be pretty sympathetic to old ordinary cars like these, and I like to see them out and about. Which one is more deserving of your appreciation is up to you to decide.
My second car was an ’84 Escort with the carbureted version of this engine and a four-speed stick. It’s the car on which I learned to drive a manual transmission, and it performed admirably … shuttling me from the dorm in East Lansing to work and to the Meijer’s in Okemos, and even on a spring-break ski trip to Colorado during which I improbably got a speeding ticket. I’ll have the Ford, and I might just call that guy today…
As a young wrencher in high-school auto shop class I worked on many Escorts, can’t even remove the air filter without removing skin from your knuckles. Funnily enough only had one A-body through the shop, and that was just for a brake job, unlike the constant blown engines, transmissions, and things just falling off on the Escorts.
I voted Olds, would slam it on some Daytons, spend three times it value on stereo, add tons of underglow, and one of those stupid crown air fresheners to throw in the back window to cruise like it’s 1993!
My sister bought a brand new Mercury Lynx. It was the sister-car (see what I did there?) to the Ford Escort. Fresh off the showroom it was a rattly, plasticky, tinny crapwagon. I can’t even imagine what level of hell this Escort might be.
The Ciera looks to be a livable appliance but God help me if I ever fall this low.
By ’87 they had pretty much figured out the 2.8’s issues, the 3.1 was right around the corner, I voted for the Olds.
Ha. I got called out.
I totalled a Ciera in high school, so I’ll try the Ford.
My wife was proofreading and she said, “I know that name from somehwere, but where?”
Oh gods, that makes it so much better.
This is the first time I hate both cars in Shitbox Showdown. But that’s because I was a mechanic at crap car shops back when these hit the bottom of the used car market. I’ve worked on so many Escorts and 2.8 GM’s.
I know what hell is going to be like for me. It will be an infinitely long Pep Boys shop with every bay filled with these cars. They will all need wheel bearings and heater cores. And they’ll all smell like puke inside.
I’m just shocked to see an example of an Escort from that generation that didn’t end up with those awful cheap-knock-off-almost-Mustang-Pony-Wheels. Those chrome aberrations were on 3/4 of the Escort population and probably contributed to their early demises.
I’m an Olds guy, but I’m voting for the Escort because I like a good underdog story.
A kid a used to work with had an Escort. He put on phony Mustang plastic wheel covers, a Mustang-inspired rear spoiler, and… the most egregious thing ever… “5.0” badges on the fenders.
I’m voting for the Cutlass Ciera. Partially for nostalgia and partially because they’re legitimately pretty decent cars for the money. They’re 3/4 of a Buick (in many ways) in a slightly smaller package and 90% of the comfort.
My mom had a blue 1991 or 1992 MY Ciera with the 3.3 which, as I understand it, was the famous 3.8 in Fun Size. It was a pretty good drivetrain, comfortable, and evidently tough enough to take the minor curbing I gave it while getting in hours for my driver’s test. While practicing a 3 point turn, I misjudged the distance to the curb and jumped up on it with the front passenger tire. My mother’s boyfriend at the time scored big points with me by taking the “I won’t tell if you don’t” approach. Class act. Anyway, I had another friend in college with one of these in white with a burgundy interior and that thing ran and ran until he got bored of it, which is saying a lot, because he was spendthrift of the 1st class. Good cars.
I need to see an investigation of what was the last car with a 5 digit odometer, and why in God’s name was this still a thing in 1987
When I was a kid, I asked my dad why odometers only had five digits. He answered that it didn’t matter because new cars only lasted about 60,000 miles.
Times sure have changed- my daily driver is pushing 250K.
I know my neighbor’s 1993 Tempo still rocked a 5-digit odo, which told me everything I needed to know about Ford’s expectations of that car.
Well in an era of 12 months, 12,000 mile warranties these cars weren’t expected to go 100,000 miles. And if they did it was expected you could tell new from 100,000 miles.
Because they weren’t used to cars making it past that point, and those that did it was very apparent from the condition of the car.
Do we agree that mileage is likely 133,000?
I was all set to go with the Olds, but then I fell asleep and forgot what I was doing.
These Shitbox Showdowns can be tough on the concentration.
My grandparents gifted me a Chevy with 107,000 miles on it when I got my license in the mid ‘90s. So the odometer only read 07,000. Being of the era my grandparents were from, they figured I’d squeeze maybe one, two years tops out of it.
Well, 25+ years later I still have the car and it’s rolled over twice now to 216,000 miles (odometer still only records 16,000!) it was my daily for 10 years and still ran fine, so I never got rid of it. Still drive it on nice days for some high school era nostalgia 🙂
As I recall, the reputation of this generation of Escort is that they rolled off the line as shitboxes. There was one car-shopping expedition with my folks where a particularly breathless salesman catalogued all the ways it sucked and how the new gen was superior. I always thought they were kind of ugly, but I’m finding it to be an endearing sort of ugliness.
The Olds on the other hand, never liked ’em, and after getting up to speed on that engine yesterday, don’t see a reason to start now.
I have had the “sporty” version of each. The Olds with a 3.8 V6 and the Escort GT.
With that being said, the Olds wins. Either one could be a short term beaters.
A Ciera or Century with the 3800 is a true banger. Especially in the 1990’s, when they had the A-body completely figured out.
My wife had a Ciera with the 3800 in college, and it was the favorite of the beater cars that her dad bought her. It had over 330,000 miles, but everything still worked, including the AC, and it actually drove pretty nice. Unfortunately, it had a mechanical failure in the engine after about a year and it got replaced with a tired Cutlass Calais which wasn’t nearly as nice. Rust took that one off the road, as one of the rear shocks had nothing left to attach to in the back wheel-well.
I agree it was bit of sleeper for it’s day. Shimmied like mad at 75, hit 85 and glass smooth.
Never sure of it’s top speed as the needle stopped at 85 🙂
Most people thought I put 3.8L badge on it. I would then show them under the hood. After it caught fire 2 times and the engine self-destructed, I had to part ways with that wonderful beast.
*Pours one out for the International Edition Coupe*
Olds all day.
I don’t know how FMC managed to screw the US Escort so badly. The European and Latin American versions were so much better in handling and looks. And, I bet, on value.
A $500 car that runs has a lot of possibilities.
Last week while discussing ordering a new car, the dealer I was working with told me they insisted on a trade (presumably so they could low ball me on it to make up for their lack of explicit dealer markup over MSRP). I humored them by giving them the details on one of my cars, and as expected they were going to gouge me on it.
However, since they did not specify any floor on the price or condition of said trade, the thought crossed my mind to buy something like this and present it seriously as my current car. Worst case they give me $1 and I only lose $499.
I ended up moving on to another dealer who doesn’t play games, but it still amuses me to consider the idea and the look on their faces as I unload the crapcan from the trailer.
That was a common approach on the “push, pull or drag it in for $1000 over Blue Book” sales back in the day. Many a backyard lost their ornamentation.
Push it, pull it, or tow it! $3000 only at Ken Goewy, what a guy!
I had forgotten all about the New York precursor to Billy Fucillo until this.
The Olds would have been a step up in the luxury department, the OD trans helped with highway cruising, though the 2.8 was not much for HP, it was much better than the 1.9. unless it was the Escort GT Hemi Headed MPFI version, then it was still not as much, but it felt like more I suppose.
Tan Ciera! Tan Ciera!
I had an ’89 Cutlass Ciera as a starter car after my folks upgraded to a first-gen Intrigue and man, did that thing get abused. It had the Iron Duke 4-cyl in it, though, so it could take it. My brother inherited it after me and he called it the Possum, because it was small, gray, and frequently found dead on the highway (the gas gauge didn’t work and he kept forgetting to reset the trip odometer)
Back in my yoot, I had an ’89 Escort “Sunsport” which was pretty much the Pony with four on the floor and one of those crappy manual latched pop up sunroofs installed, and absolutely zero other options. The car was stupid easy toss around, and being a teenager I drove it like a rental, with nary a nod to any instincts of self preservation. We called it the Deathscort, and I have a lot of fond memories of that old beast.
Anyhow I voted for the Olds.
I had your situation, just reversed so I voted Escort. I had a Celebrity, which while competent and reasonably quick, wasn’t fun in any real way.
Your tale reminds me of how in that era, it was still possible to have econo cars that at least tried to be enjoyable. Mostly, it was standard manuals, low weights, and cheap geegaws, but it did the trick. I feel bad for kids today that don’t get to really experience that.
I chose the Escort. My first car was an 86 Escort Wagon (white, 4spd) I killed it…it’s what you are supposed to do with with your car when you’re 16 right? But it was easy to wrench on, cheap to maintain, got decent mileage, and as others have said, once you swap the auto, it will be better.
For 500 clams, you have a LeMons racer, Ford wins today.
Escort! But, I’m sure y’all guessed that. Manual swap is easy (assuming you can find one). Last one I did was a 95 Mercury Tracer Wagon (the “classy” version of an Escort). Ended up buying a wrecked manual Escort when the Tracer’s slushbox gave out. Just moved everything over in a weekend. Easy-Peasy!
Cutlass is probably a better value, but I just can’t resist that Escort.
Though OMG those seltbelts. But in fairness, my old Chevy Beretta had an even worse design that was motivated by a similarly misguided attempt at passive safety…the seatbelts came out of the door.
The idea was you’d just leave them buckled up and kinda slide in and out of the car. But you can imagine how well that worked. GM clearly thought it got one up on Ford, where you had to manually buckle the lap portion.
I got to wonder if it could keep up with freeway traffic these days with a sub 2 liter motor and no overdrive slushbox. Ford was not revered for their slushboxes in 87.
Going rate on the Interstate closest to my house = 90.
Chances this Escort can maintain 90 = 0.
Assuming the tuneup was done properly, it’ll do 90 just fine. Just takes a while to get there. One of my high school friends had this combo, and it was good for 100-105 or so, depending on the road.
Will want to get that brake work done, though.
A friend of mine in HS had a 4 cylinder/automatic Tempo of this vintage; he reported 20 seconds 0-60 and another 20 seconds 60-70. He was afraid to push much beyond that, which is saying something for a 17 year old male.
Yeah, but the Ford Tepid (spelling intentional) had a unique talent for making your commute less interesting.
My brother’s 89 Escort 1.9L was supposedly fast-enough, but I could never stand mousebelts, and I never drove it myself.
To paraphrase Mitch Hedberg, they used to be shit. They still are, but they used to be, too.
With the slushbox the Escort is painfully slow–even by late ’80s standards.
Our ‘82 Rabbit had only the shoulder belt from beside your hip to the door frame. No lap belt! How that could possibly have been legal I have no idea.
Man, that Olds takes me back. I drove that car (same exterior and interior color) in college, only mine did not have the luggage rack. I got my stepfather’s ’91 Ranger as my high school graduation present. 2 weeks later (but after quite a bit of my meager savings had been pumped into fixing up the car) some a**hole ran a red light and totaled the Ranger. My parents took the insurance check and replaced my Ranger with this Olds and pocketed the difference. I am almost ready to forgive them for that.
The QuizMaker link is borked, but I’d go with the Cutlass, That was lil Bunky’s 1st car. I blew it up in 3 months. It apparently did not like having a 16yr old drive it like a maniac every second I could.
Escort all day, surely a manual swap couldn’t be too hard!
Drop the back seat in the Ford and use it as a hauler. I’d refuse to daily either of these.
A hundred pounds in the back of that Escort would probably send the rear shock towers through their upper mounts. These things were notorious around here for rusting out at the top shock tower mounts in the rear.